Need someone to talk to

I know this feeling well. I grew up with an alcoholic father and our relationship sadly broke down to nothing, he's now a very unwell man so I know all about this but still I seek alcohol and more recently recreational drugs to take my mind away from where it is. Everytime I do it I regret it as I know I need to keep my mind under control but it's to tempting to not want to take my mind somewhere else for a while. I'm not an addict but I have to keep it under close watch. Its very hard when you can't talk to people close to you as well I always feel like he'll think I'm a burden or irritating or attention seeking or a number of other negative things. I also struggle to sleep and can have terrible stressful scenarios running through my mind but this is just frustrating for him as I can't tell him what I'm thinking without sounding insane Sending a big virtual hug to you times are hard especially during covid be proud of yourself for reaching out that is a big reason to not hate yourself it is a brave thing to do xx