Not sure how to get better

I have gone through depression with anxiety for the majority of my life. My first really bad episode in which I had contemplated suicide (actually just really preferred death over feeling) was when my fiancé broke things off. That was around 15 years ago. I have had mild depressive episodes since pulling out of that however I am currently doing quite poorly. I lost my mother in Sept this past year and since then I have been very bad off. I have been dating off and on. When I have a boyfriend I do pretty good. Recently the guy that I am in love with has been having doubts. I dont know if we will have a future and we are taking time away. I am deathly afraid that he will tell me he doesnt think he can love me the way I deserve and that we will split. You see, I am incredibly lonely. I have friends and family but I do not have that intimate connection with anyone. I crave that immensely. Especially after the loss of my mom. I was single when she was alive and okay with it. But I think losing her just brought this incredible loneliness out of me that I cannot tamp down. I do not feel my happiness is dependent on being with someone but lately when single I am so depressed. Right now as I do not know what will happen in our relationship I am stuck in a black hole. I want to numb myself with alcohol, cigarettes, food and marijuana. I have not done any of it but its constantly on my mind. I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I dont know what to do.