October 2022: Fetal Demise Confirmed & Delivered
I know what some of you might be thinking, especially regarding fetal demise. Fetal demise is another medical word to express that your child has passed away in the womb. At less than 25 weeks, my husband and I lost our most recent son, Iann Ivory, because of fetal cystic hygromas. These fetal cystic hygromas are a genetic abnormality, thankfully not hereditary, and it is (currently) challenging to spot or prevent. I have read several medical articles explaining that these things can disappear over time, if spotted and treated quickly.
I guess Mom and Dad was a little too late.
Since the last week in September 2022, our son passed away, and we didn't know until October 14th, 2022. The doctor confirmed this, and I didn't know how to process all of this. However, I did accept that our kid fought his hardest and died trying to protect me and himself. Wait...our child died in September, and we didn't know until October?!
My skin started to crawl. My mind shut down quickly. I've been walking around with a dead baby inside for me for a good grip...
Now my depression is amplified, along with loneliness and hate. I'm mad at my husband for not empathizing with me, although he's possibly hurting too. I'm mad at myself because I can't save a life, my body's not good enough to protect someone that's harmless, and wanting to scream at everyone isn't the way to go. Deep down, I hate myself more than usual because I want my baby back so I can feel normal again.
My husband says he understands where I am coming from. However, I've internalized so much, I'm not comfortable with talking to him about my thoughts anymore. I want a friend to open up to, someone that's soft and kind enough to help me process everything. ***, I'm scared to keep going because if I can't protect my child, what makes you think I can protect our four kids we have now?!
This can really mess with a parent's mind, confirming a fetal demise and then delivering a baby by yourself when the hospital doesn't listen to your needs. My husband had to watch me birth our son by myself, no help except from a YouTube video...
I'm living and coping heavily with depression, and I understand mine isn't the worst of the worst compared to many others. I don't know where to turn before I check out for good, a bullet through my teeth or something that's hard to bring me back. Being a stay-at-home mom and wife is terribly hard...idk if I can do it...
I'm sorry for this unnecessary pity party. I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time...
How I write is how I talk in person, so work with me slowly, if anyone is interested in wanting to help me process all of this...
@PoeticSnowcone I'm probably not the best person to reply to this. Definitely the least qualified for sure. You're not wasting anyone's time and I don't think you're asking for a pity party either. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the thoughts that you must be having and some of the thoughts you shared here. I wish I had something I could say to ease your pain. I know that there are times when things just don't go the way we think or hope they will. I wish I could tell you not to hate yourself - that it's not you or your body to blame
Speaking from a guys perspective - your husband can say he understands but he really can't. Because - I mean he's there to share the pain and I'm sure he feels sorrow and sadness for the loss of your beautiful little one. You were the one who was carrying the little guy. It's you who feels your body failed him and couldn't keep him safe. He was a part of you and that is something that your husband can't ever experience
Please try not to compare your pain and what you're going through because this is your pain - this is what you're going through and there is nothing that can compare
Would you give some thought to seeing a grief counselor? Someone who would be better qualified with helping you? Or even a grief support group if they have any in your area?
I mean - I can talk to you here but there are other people here who are probably alot better at helping you process everything you're going through
Please be gentle with yourself and your thoughts