Rant/suicidal ideation/mental illness/guilt
Hi folks. Just writing here cause I need to get thoughts out somewhere safe. I'll start with saying I'm safe and have no plans to change that at this time. But this post will be depressing. I'm just lost. I've had chronic nausea for 14+ years and I've got panic disorder and panic attacks and anxiety and depression and just a lot of confused feelings and anger I keep inside. Trying to live like this has been exhausting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Tonight I'm feeling angry. A feeling I'm not comfortable with. I'm angry that I don't have another option. People say I'm strong but im not strong at all, I'm trapped and have no other option. Suicide is not an option - I can't do it to my family - and it makes me frustrated because I want to be done I want a way out I want a break just for once in my life and that just isn't something that exists for me. I want to go lock myself away to get help but im sick and tired of unhelpful or unkind therapists, im tired of re-explaining my life story to a new doctor every year or two, I'm tired and I don't want to do it anymore. But I need help. And now I'm forcing myself once again to ask for help from my doctor, she's not helpful and she's detached. I need genuine help I am suffering every day and I try to keep it together because I don't want to burden others. I don’t want to take up negative space. I hide and pull away and don't want to be seen - but at the same time I crave validation for my unending suffering and I just wish so bad that there was even one other shred of an alternative to living like this. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm filled with resentment and self loathing and it hurts because I know this isn't who I used to be and I don't know who I am now. After being sick for so long, but being expected to pull the same weight as everyone else, trying to hold a job or retain education in my foggy and forgetful brain, I hate this. I just hate it. And I'm letting everyone down by being 30 and still struggling even after so long and I just. How am I supposed to live until im old when I can barely fathom living through the night of anxious torture that awaits me. Im sorry this is so bleak. I just. I feel mad that I don't get a choice and I don't get an alternative. I don't drink or do drugs because I don't like feeling out of control, there is no escape from my mind or my body and that's horrifying. I'm trapped in here. Expected to do all the stuff a normal adult does - but everyday I want to quit. I want to quit I want to be done. I've done my time. Let me out.
I hear you and understand how it feels to not want to open up to new therapists and doctors. I am going through something similar but i’m sure your pain is personal and painful. Online communities like these are very helpful bc sometimes therapists and doctors linked to institutions don’t work. It personally doesn’t work for me bc it sometimes seems like they truly don’t care about getting to the root of our issues. i totally understand. I understand your anger too, i feel the same. Feeling are hard to control and maintain and it’s hard, i know. i think doing things that release that anger safely like painting with your hands and just letting it out on a canvas helps. Redirecting that anger towards something will help to control it. I try to do it and it’s hard bc i don’t feel like i have the energy to do anything bc i’m tired of all of this, but still try. and take your time.
Although this is long I totally relate. Just becayse your struggling does not mean you are failing. Everything comes in season you are strong because despite all these things you still have courage to move forward and that’s all you really need it’s the courage to want help even when things seem like it’s getting no where the courage is what motivates you to continue fighting you are aware of your struggles you just have to break them down one by one. You have to tackle each issues with a way to cope or heal them move to the next it’s a roller Coster process but it’s a start (excuse my grammars I didn’t revise )
You are not alone. Something that has helped me in the past, when dealing with unsympathetic doctors, is literally printing out a list of concerns and a timeline (if applicable) and handing it directly to the doctor. I started doing this when I lost my voice for 6 months due to constant stress. A page or two of a list of concerns and a timeline of symptoms and medical interventions also shows that you have been working to get help, you have done what you can, that this is an ongoing issue, and you are not leaving until they read it and see your full history! This also helps to collect your thoughts if you are anxious at the doctor's office, ensuring you didn't forget to add something.