Relapsing into Depression, feeling worthless

Hello there!My name is Alicia, I?m 19, and I have been struggling with diagnosed Severe Depression and Anxiety for about three years, but I was undiagnosed for a long time and have struggled with bouts of depression since childhood. I have undergone CBT and know pretty much all there is to know about myself and the way I think. Yet somehow, with all the skills I?ve acquired and all the help I?ve gotten over these past couple years, I still feel utterly worthless most of the time. My story is long and boring, so I?ll just summarize the bestI can.

My mother is Japanese and was raised in a household/society where success means everything. Nowadays that?s not as much the case, but Japan is still a very hive-like place where those who stray from the traditional path are pests. My mom loves me, or at least that?s what she tells me, but from a very young age she put a lot of pressure on me. Even though I know now that I don?t have to meet anyone?s expectations or fear judgement, I still feel like vermin. It?s not something that?s easily changed. I blame a lot of my issues on her, but really it?s not all her fault.

My father is a very relaxed person, who is almost the complete opposite of my mother. (Opposites attract??) He is really friendly with everyone and loves to hang out with people and meet new people and engages in lots of social activities willingly. I am not an extrovert like him; I dread social gatherings and events. I don?t have his devil-may-care attitude, I worry constantly and sometimes over the smallest of things. He?s been really supportive, as much as he can, but he isn?t able to understand my feelings and relate to me, making me feel isolated even though I know he tries.

My Depression has been very bad lately, mostly due to the fact that I don?t have a car anymore (I crashed it in the spring of this year) so I can?t go anywhere. I?m stuck at the house, where I live with my family, doing nothing day after day. I spend a lot of my time sleeping, as I have little to no motivation anymore. I used to enjoy drawing, writing, playing video games. Now I feel no satisfaction in almost anything. I?m back to being hollow again after only a few months of feeling safe and happy.

Even if I had a car, I couldn?t go to a traditional college like a lot of people do. I?m cripplingly afraid of being in debt, and even moreso of being in debt for an education that doesn?t even benefit me. It makes me feel physically ill thinking about owing thousands of dollars. I can?t justify taking advanced maths or sciences, when my real passions lie in the arts and cosmetology. And the art schools I?ve visited all seem to only be interested in making money, not in the individual students. Unless those students can make them money or fame. It?s sickening, but this is all I?ve ever seen. I know good schools are out there, but I doubt I could get to and afford them.

As for working, I had a job, but had to quit because of extreme headaches due to stress. So I?m now a jobless, carless shut-in. I don?t have friends anymore, they?ve all stopped talking to me and I don?t have the energy to keep establishing contact. I?m used to losing friends, though. All of my best friends growing up moved away shortly after we became extremely close. Losing so many friends has made me give up chasing them. It?s too hard in the mental state I?m in.

I?m losing the will to live, slowly but surely. I considered suicide once, but was too afraid to carry it out and still am much too afraid. I can?t get a job with how I am. Without a job, I can never afford college, or art school, or beauty school. Without an education, can I do anything? The only thing keeping me going is the dream of someday living in Austin, TX. Even better would be working for the prodution company I love, but that?s a crazy, outlandish goal.

I thought writing this would make me feel better somehow but it?s just gotten me feeling down. Such is my life, though. It's like there's this hazy cloud in my mind, a fog of sadness and lonliness, you know?