Sick of feeling this way 😢

There's waves of uncontrollable feelings of worthlessness that overwhelms me for awhile now, and I do not know what to do to shake them off. Sometimes I feel so constricted and have difficulty breathing when the waves come. How do you shake them off?

There's nobody I can talk to, I do not have much friends, just 1 or 2 close ones but I'm ashamed and feel guilty of burdening them with my problems when everyone has their own problems themselves.

As a child, I was bullied badly in school, I was a big kid, but I wasn't obese, just fat. Though it didn't matter and I still became the target that boys seem to enjoy bullying. It got to a point that I became the fat girl that all the boys in the school seem to shun and make fun off. I hated going to school.

Growing up I guess I suppressed all these emotions unknowingly, and became socially awkward. I did not have the confidence to speak, make eye contact, and frequently self obsess on how others look at me. I have not been in a relationship before. I just want someone to love me, but I don't think I'll ever have that.

I'm 30 now, and unemployed, got out of school 7 years ago, ashamed of how useless and worthless I am for failing to find a job. I know I need to, but I just cannot find the motivation or reason to do so.

Suicidal thoughts flood my mind but I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with it. Without the ability to afford therapy and unwilling to leave a record of my mental health, where can I find help?