Stuck in time
I have a lot to say.. but i do not really know how to express myself.
I will start from the beginning, where my depression began. I was only a 9 years old when my parents had a nasty split, and although this is a touchy subject for me, i know i need to get this off my chest. My father took my older brother and we stayed with our mother.
Even once split, my parents continued to fight and argue in front of me and my siblings, i ended up growing up in an environment where it consisted of "your mom did this," or "your dad did that," "tell your dad i said," "tell your mom i said," i am trapped.
My depression worsened over the years and i learned how to pretend to be a whole different person hiding under a mask. I am numb. I was such a good actor my parents were surprised i was depressed when i told them. I get anxiety attacks here and there, sometimes i even thought about death and how much disconnected i feel from everyone. I feel like everyone is growing up while im still trying to live out the childhood i never had, i grew up to learn to put others needs before myself and make them happy so they wont be sad like i am. Sometimes i want to be selfish, but i cant. I feel like a hypocrite telling others to be happy when i am not.
Now im feeling all these emotions that i learned to suppress. I cant handle all these emotions at once.
Anyways, thanks for listening to my little rant, i feel better now that i finally told someone.. but is it normal to feel emptyness within?
@MintyGlue
I can get what you're saying. I mean I also feel like a hypocrite when I tell my friends to traet themselves with care and all that good stuff when I don't even do it. At some point I got really down into my black lake and Have reached the deep end, the place where your toes can't reach the ground anymore and you just stay there all numb from the cold water. Sorry I write like this it's just how I like explaining things. It's weird I know. Anyways, I think that you've also gone deep like when people swim in water and it wasn't too bad when you reach the deep end then you stop, your toes don't reach the bottom, you try to get back up but you can't and there are so many things going on in your head and then there's silence. You don't feel anything anymore. Sorry if this is long but I think I understand where you're coming from. Sorry I just rread your post. I hope you read this and know that you are not alone. Take care. 
@HappyLily291125
Its not weird how you explain things, i can relate to what you're saying. If these feelings were to be described, you understand what it feels like <3
@MintyGlue Haha thanks. People usualy tell me that I have a weird way of explaining stuff. But I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in this. Take care
@MintyGlue
Hi. You've been through a lot and you're very brave to share it. Emotions can be overwhelming sometimes but its always better to feel something than nothing. It means that you are on your path to healing. We need to be able to feel, to accept these feelings and let them flow through us in order to truly heal. While I cannot put them into words as profoundly as our friend above, I can relate to your emotions.
I think its natural to feel empty. I used to think that we feel this way because we lost someone/something dear to us. And while it may be a contributing factor, I'm starting to think that we feel empty because we've strayed so far from ourselves, and neglected our needs so much that there's nothing left to direct inwardly. Almost like our soul is crying to be noticed by us, for us to divert our attention back to it and show it love and care.
You mentioned that you put other people's needs before your own because you don't want them to be sad. But I believe that people who look for others in order to feel happy are just as sad as lonely as the givers. Because both parties are looking outside of themselves to feel better. It doesn't work that way. All it does is mask our true feelings until they cannot be hidden anymore.
I wish you luck on your healing journey and I congratulate you for accepting these feelings. Its what real soldiers do. Its going to be tough but a path worth taking. There are days where you will feel stuck like you do now but there will also be days where you can sense progress and see light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest that you refrain from comparing yourself to others - they haven't been in your shoes. Finally, its a noble thing to try and instil happiness in others when you yourself are in pain. Instead of feeling like a hypocrite, let your teachings serve as a reminder to yourself to live by what you preach.
Good luck.
