Sudden wave of sadness
I haven't done much today, just sat at my computer desk and suddenly felt a wave of sadness. Suddenly felt like crying. What is wrong with me? I'm going to take a shower and do my crying there. Showering had been my go-to thing when I feel emotional or have lots to think about. The only place and time where I can think out loud, and if I need to cry, the water can wash my tears away. I sometimes get these waves of sadness out of nowhere, it sometimes scares me because I don't know the cause of these feelings, and it makes me more teary thinking about it or trying to figure out why I suddenly feel this way.
I know that my depression has gotten better over the past several years, but these bouts of sadness makes me question and doubt my mental health sometimes. I used to tell myself, that since depression has been with me for more than 3/4 of my life, without it, seems abnormal. Yet, I know that I do not want it reach the peak ever again. Those times of my life were very unhealthy and being kept on edge 24/7 consumed all my energy.
These bouts of sadness though, I can't help but to think about my depression. The journey that it had steered me into, the experience that it has created for me, and the path it had carved for me to follow. It looks like my future will continue to hold onto this depressive state, whether it be put in front of me at times (like now), or kept in the back of my mind and that it will surface when triggered.
@Jaeteuk. It's ok to have a bad day. Just don't give into the fear of going back how you used to be. Push those fears out of your mind. Try not to dwell in it. Maybe distract yourself. Keep your mind active so those thoughts don't pop in as much. Maybe play a game that requires a lot of concentration. Stay positive, have faith, and congratulate yourself at how much you have changed. Hope this helps.
Thank you, bad days are hard when they suddenly appear. Luckily this time, it only lasted for a few hours.
@Purple2427
@Jaeteuk 
I learned today about recognizing what you feel and doing the opposite of what you feel like doing to help fight depression. I was hoping this reference would give you a laugh. I sure hope so.
When those waves come, know that you did NOTHING to trigger them. Depression means that you have altered brain chemistry. You cannot control what chemicals are going to enter your brain at any given moment.
I am a little off today myself so I know some of what you are feeling.
All of it is a horrible feeling but knowing that you don't need to blame yourself helps. I know that I will always have depression, but believe it or not it has made me a better person. I am more compassionate and I can see people in pain better.
Yes, I would prefer not to have it. But that isn't a choice that I was given just like having heart disease would not be a choice. But I refuse to let it make all my decisions for me.
I hope that you are doing a bit better today.@Jaeteuk
@Jaeteuk I've tried to post a reply about 15 different times and I'm getting an error.
@Jaeteuk
Life can be overwhelming at times, especially when we don't quite understand things that are happening. And the overwhelming feeling can multiply astronomically when the things we don't understand have to do with what we are feeling or experiencing. When you add in personal experience with mental health issues, it can feel as if we are teetering on the edge of a cliff with no idea how we got there. Or when you feel like you are going along just fine and then, all of a sudden you are on your knees in tears and thinking, "What the heck?" You're not alone in this. I have personally dealth with this many, many times. Actually several years ago, an instance such as you describe, led me to doing a deep dive into research about crying and feelings, understanding emotions, self-awareness, and many more things.
This world has taught us that crying or experiencing moments of sadness are "bad" things, but the research that has been done on this tells a completely different story. People often try to suppress tears because they see them as a sign of weakness, vulnerability, and as a lack of emotional stamina due to the stigma created by our societies. Human beings are not meant to hold onto or push down the difficult feelings we experience in any given moments (aka repressive coping), and doing so can have dramatic, long-lasting effects. (This understanding made that constant voice in my head, the one of my Dad from my childhood, telling us to "suck it up..stop crying", that much more hurtful.) Studies have actually linked repressive coping with a less resilient immune system, cardiovascular disease, and hypertension, as well as a myriad of mental health conditions. But crying is a normal human response to a wide range of emotions, an dthis act has a number of benefits to us, including pain relief, release of energy, and learning to self-soothe. Of course, we all know that tears provide our eyes with moisture, but tears are also made up of antibodies and special proteins to help our eyes resist infections.
Tears can be extremely therapeutic and provide a soothing effect, which helps us to learn to regulate oru emotions, calm ourselves, and reduce our distress, mainly because crying activates our parasympathetic nervous system, which helps us to relax. A study in 2016 explained that crying is primarily an attachment behaviro, as it rallies support from the people around us, which is an interpersonal (social) benefit. In addition to the activation of our PNS, our tears release oxytocin and endorphins, which makes people feel good and eases physical and emotional pain. A good cry helps them feel better, but those tears contain a number of stress hormones. Researchers also conclude that cryings helps to aid sleep and even fights bacteria.
I think I had been used to bottling up emotions since childhood, crying out loud and in front of people had always been avoided. Or I'll hold back. Sometimes, I'll watch a video (there are a few clips that I'll cry every time I watch it), then, use that video as an outlet and let it lead to what I was actually feeling sad about and allow myself to shed those tears. But, this often is done like at night, in bed.
@TheGirlWhoFeltTooMuch
This is how we were taught to do it back when I was growing up. Shove it down and worry about it another day. Never realizing that it will come back up in other forms and in other ways and it will probably be ten times worse because that energy has been bounding around inside you. I’m so glad you’ve found a way to release this unnecessary pain and energy from your body. This is a very self-aware practice!!! Yes we all have those places where we feel safe that we can let the tears flow. ;-)
@Jaeteuk
We could think of crying as a release valve that rids your body of excess stress and tension and when we withold the tears from flowing, our fight or flight response kicks into gear. Your brian then signals your adrenal glands to release hormones (the big ones are adrenaline and cortisol), and these chemicals boost your heart rate and blood pressure; therefore, when you forgo the cry fest, you can experience a tightening in your chest or heavy breathing. According to doctors, suppressing an emotion actually heightens it and makes you feel worse, so while you might think you are getting the win by distracting your body, stress is growning and, subsequently, high amounts of cortisol is flooding the body. Repressing tears regularly gives your body's stress response more opportunities to stir up troubel and can cause irritability, anxiety, and poor sleep. In addition, over time, holding back can lead to cardiovascular diseases, cancer, and, with consistent high lvels of cortisol, it may also lead to issues such as lower immunity and inflammation. (And this I know from personal experience after many years of consistent cortisol levels of over 100 mcg/day, I now live with RA, sjorgren's and other issues-which is a whole other story!)
Is there a way to test how much cortisol is in our bodies?
Yes, I do remember in the past. I've read a lot of books about depression, and of everything it's attached to, says it will cause different health issues later on in life, including shortening of our lifespan.
@TheGirlWhoFeltTooMuch
Yes there is. Your family doctor can order a full panel work up and request for these levels to be included. We found that mine were so high by pure accident really. I was very sick and we couldn’t figure out what was going on and so they were testing for so many different things and cortisol was on the panel. Once my dr realized how high my levels were I started going back weekly and having 8-10 vials taken each time. It took leaving my career as a teacher and a divorce before they began staying down under 80 consistently. Cortisol levels can be an indication of other issues as well but they usually have to do with problems either with stress/ptsd, adrenal glands, pituitary glands, autoimmune diseases, and some cancers. High cortisol levels that are consistent over a long period of time can cause some permanent damage to certain parts of your body and even death.
That's good to know that it can be tested. I have a blood work requisition sitting at home. My family doctor referred me over to an Internal Medicine doctor to check and see I have any hidden chronic illness that causes extreme fatigue during my menstruation. But, I haven't gone to get the blood work done because my IUD started working and I'm not getting my period so I don't feel that extreme tiredness. I just looked at my sheet, it did indicate AM Cortisol. If this is to check the levels of Cortisol, maybe I just go and get it done anyways, before my requisition expires.
@TheGirlWhoFeltTooMuch
@Jaeteuk
There are many differnt mental and emotional problems that can surface due to holding back tears and pushing down feelings. Research shows that children who have learned to push down feelings and avoid emotional expression, for whatever reason, most often become adults who are emotionally stifled which ends up expressing as things like having a fear of being told no, abandonment issues, or social anxiety. I have learned, after almost 50 years, that I must cry over something several times to really release it from my body and my spirit, and sometimes this isn't enough; especially regarding feelings that I did not deal with in the moment. I was once the queen of bottling up my emotions.
Within the last couple of years I have learned to acknowledge their existence, tune into what they're trying to tell me (and sometimes this went very deep which led me to doing inner child work and shadow work), make space for them, release them, and grow from them. Sometimes it is very difficult to to udnerstand what our body/mind/spirit/self is actually trying to tell us when we experience feeligns that come on fast and seemingly for no reason. I always thought that feelings (like sadness or anger) that I would eperience were due to something I was directly experiencing in that present moment, but research helped me to see that intense feelings can come about (slowly or even what we may perceive as quickly and randomly) for many number of reasons, including stress, sleep deprivation/exhaustion, past traumas, burnout, and hormones. As an added bonus, some people are clairsentient, highly sensitve, or empaths, and these individuals can experience the emotions of other people (among other things). Therefore, it takes a lot of self-awareness to tune into what feelings are trying to tell us, but there are a lot of techniques and things we can do to help us become more self-aware.
@Jaeteuk
Techniques such as meditation, which has many physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual benefits, including increasing self-awareness, providing clarity, and regaining lost energy. Another technique is mindfullness. There's also emotional bodyscans, breathing exercises, affirmation, being out in nature, journaling, practicing communication skills-particularly listening without judgement or the intent to reply, visualization, being creative, goal setting, setting boundaries, grounding, etc. and the list goes on and on.
