Suicide and procrastination

@StrugglingToPassMyGCES,

Thank you for sharing. I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this, and I hope you can get some therapy soon.

It's hard to open up about something that even you feel sensitive about, so it's definitely not stupid to be hesitant about going to help for this. I think it's a great first step you've taken to come to 7 cups. Though this isn't face to face, 7 cups has many trained listeners and even therapists that are more than willing to actively listen to you and help you:) You aren't alone<3

thank you for opening up to us. i hope you are able to find someone to help you. it will get better. you are important and you matter dont ever forget that.

only four years is stil a long time but I can relate. It took me 7 years to finally admit I needed help. I've always struggled with connecting with others. Always felt like I was pretending and going through the motions but never really a part of any group. Don't get me wrong, I was never bullied. I always fit in at school and was even part of the popular crowd but still felt like I was a nobody. When I was a senior in college, I was raped. I confided in only a few people who's reaction where mostly along the lines of 'its not a big deal'. I tried convincing myself that too but it never really worked. My isolation only seemed to increase after that. I couldn't stand to be around my church friends or other girls in my sorority, I felt like I had no one and could confind in no one. I graduated from college, moved to the city and continued pretending like I was fine. I tried to commit suicide once but chickened out after swallowing a bunch of sleeping pills. I still to this day sometimes wish I had kept going...and then hate myself when I think that. I get the whole procrastination bit...after all, whats one or two more years of this? Suicide is like a dark voice in the back of your mind that reminds you whenever you fail that you have a way out. It reminds you when you're so numb and in so much pain that you don't have to be. I finally got triggered badly enough that I decided to see a therapist. Has it solved all of my problems? of course not. But for the first time in a long time I finally feel like I have a voice and like things might possibly change. Yet, I still have the suicide note I wrote all of those years ago. I can't seem to get rid of it because that would mean that I'm completely 100% here to stay and I can't say that. So yes, sometimes all you can do is keep telling yourselft, one more month, one more year or even one more day. Procrastination is usually seen as a bad thing but in this case, I think you're ok. Hope you continue procrastinating for a long time.

@StrugglingToPassMyGCES thank you so much for sharing. That was literally 98% me 3 years ago. There was a time when I'd try to muster the courage every night and then fall asleep. Then came a scholarship that gave me a reason to stay another 4 years. That feeling lasted about a year and then I was back to feeling like I couldn't take any more. I made plans to wait until a time it'd take people longer to realize I was gone and fewer people would be involved, and literally 4 days before, I met someone who gave me a perspective that gave me a reason to hold out just a little longer. I came up with the tiniest things I wanted to do before I left, either for myself or others. I stopped caring about the script and got caught up in the chace to feel something real. Somewhere along the way, I stopped needing the crutch of setting a date. I still sometimes can't handle thinking more than an hour or day into the future but I know that since I made it this far having 0 hope or confidence in myself most of my life, I can make it through 1 more day.

I read in your other post that you're 16. I know having depression for a quarter of your life can make it hard to find any reason to believe things will get better. As someone who's just a little bit farther along, I want you to know I've experienced so many new perspectives and feelings I couldn't even fathom as a teen in my adult life. They just weren't accessible for a carless kid living in the middle of nowhere and from what I've heard even city kid life is nothing compared to adult life. Suddenly, time stops being a burden and starts being an opportunity. The script ends and you have all this time to figure things out for yourself, or just keep exploring. You have the freedom to explore the entire world. No matter what your financial situation is, you can always pick one thing you really want and make it happen. Hang in there. Each year tends to get a little easier going forward. Those thoughts will seem much less intimidating the longer you hold out. It's empowering to see how far you can come without even having your heart in it.

Procrastination is a powerful, underrated skill and you're a pro. Be proud! Don't believe me? Check out this article and its 50-some variations.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-shure/evidently-procrastination_b_9065706.html

You are very mature for your age. It's a curse. You care a lot about people and put them first, but feel misunderstood yourself. High school is definitely a tough place to open up or form deep friendship. College or the real world is a million times easier. You meet so many more people who've had different kinds of experiences and are used to everyone around them not pretending to be exactly like them.

I was diagnosed with SA at 12, which was about when I started getting depressed and thinking about ending it. I probably started developing SA around 9. My mom dragged me to a therapist and getting me to talk was like pulling teeth. It helped a little. I wish I'd taken it seriously and I definitely put myself through a lot more pain by waiting until mid college to get serious about getting help. Getting a professional opionion has done wonders for me. The 1st couple sessions especially helped since I had so many piled up thoughts with no outlet. You're really brave for sharing. I'm here if you ever wanna talk. Message me whenever and I'll get back. And I used to have SA real bad and even physically run away from people sometimes so I get it and I promise I won't judge. There are a ton of awesome listeners on here and I hope you'll connect with some. You can also get therapy on here and some other sites, so you can get help without having to talk to someone f2f. Hang in there and lemme know if there's anything I can do to help.

i have opened up alot been feeling very sad all the time