Swirl

Being 21 and living on your own is hard. But I didn't realize how loneliness can be your best friend and at times your worst enemy. Sometimes I just want to be alone, no people just some mind numbing television. Then sometimes that alone time turns into the crippling fear that I am alone. No one is talking to me, no one cares.

Its this crippling loneliness that I've noticed leads to the thoughts that spiral into "no one cares" "no one loves me" "no one would notice if I was gone"

then in living on my own I can't just go into the living room and sit with my folks to aid this feeling. I'll sit in my studio, praying maybe crying my eyes out, or just staring at the wall thinking about how to off myself. Thinking about jumping off the building, hanging myself from a belt off the side of the building, stabbing myself and letting me bleed out.

then when I do try to go out, I drive home to more thoughts of loneliness thinking, how can I crash my car right now? Who's gonna feed my cat? What would my parents do?

I wish I could turn it off. Just not be sad or stressed out and just be a chill person. But I have just no idea how to do that right now. And turning to a blade or a huge crying session is the only way I can seem to cope sometimes... It's been a long day.