The Most Fun Friday Night
Something that hurts in my life right now is that I am very young. It hurts when I look at people I know and my friends hanging out on Snapchat on Friday night and I am just in bed depressed. It hurts that I only have like 2 friends to hangout with, most of the time I have to reach out to them.
I wish there were people who cared. Half of the time, I tell my mom my struggles but she cares in the moment but later say that I overreact. My father makes me feel like every thing is my fault in a way. It's MY fault that I made a moment we hung out into a fight, it's MY fault I cry everynight, and it's MY fault that I ruin every fun time with family. My grandma has slight mental problems, and she doesn't understand. She thinks I'm just depressed and I'll get over it because she had gotten over depression in her past. Then she makes me feel useless by saying things like "you never help around the house" "I do more than you" etc. Yet, I go to school, study/do homework, do clubs and sports, run everyday, make my own food everyday, pack my things everyday, and plan for the week. Not to mention that I try very hard. I get As in school, I'm one of the top runners in my cross country team, and I try to keep a positive attitude. I do way more than her. All she does is wash dishes (when she feels like it), stay on the couch and watch tv all week, complain, cook (when she feels like it), and do her own laundry. Once in a while she'll clean the house which is mainly just sweeping the kitchen floor.
I'm just struggling so much because I feel I wasting my life away. I am so young and I shouldn't be FUCKING DEPRESSED, FILLED WITH ANXIETY, AND HAVE EATING PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH. I want to be like my friends on a friday night: forget about life and have fun. I want to have fun on a friday, not worry about the week, or studying for hours or wishing I could be even skinner, or what I'm going to eat next, or my workout and running. I feel awful that sometimes on the weekend, I will stay in bed for hours and not get up. That hurts me. I keep isolating myself. But it's not my choice, I just can't do it. I am tired of people, school's expectations, parent's expectations, my own expectations. I feel I can never measure up. Like a failure. When I first got to cross country, I was the slowest one. I started practicing and eventually got better. I went to a new school and I'm finally getting what I always wanted: to be noticed, be athletic, straight A student. But I still don't think I'm that good at running, and that I'm fat, and I don't have many friends. Last year, I had a pretty good amount of friends because I had been in the district for years. I moved to this new school and people are nice and whatever but I have no close friends to call over on the weekend in my new school or close friends to text all night or anything! I just feel like I do way more than the average person my age but the biggest obstacle is me! I can't get myself to anything sometimes. Especially at home. I feel so lonely. So lonely that I can't have fun on friday night.
@randomp3rson
Something my mother used to tell me all the time was that 'other people are jealous of you, that's why they say things'. I thought she was full of it. Some people are simply cruel and mentally questionable. In your case, you should consider that your family might be jealous of your academic and athletic success. In a few years, you will be out on your own, and it will be a whole different world.
I would look to other sympathetic listeners when you need to talk about stress, depression, or anxiety like on 7cups. I've found that more often than not, family members are not supportive of depression or anxiety, and sadly can make things worse.
If your grandmother says you don't do enough, then ask her what she thinks you should be doing more of. That will stop her from complaining and get her to think. As far as your parents, it sounds like they are trying to figure out what it means to be parents to another maturing living being. They might not have an answer and might be scared of not knowing and trying to minimize the pain into something smaller that is easier for them to handle. Again, it's just my opinion, but I would build an online support group and avoid sharing much more about depression and anxiety with your family at this time, if they have been unresponsive.
@Darkseed thanks for your advice!
