The many reasons why 'SparklySeaweed' (me) ought to perish. TW: nonsense, hateful comments towards myself

I took myself off medication to remind myself how it feels to be hopeless.

Honestly I hate myself that much I want to binge drink and screw up my body.

I hate myself so much. I'm disgusting in so many ways. The Internet hate comments are true. I deserve to be euthanised. I am a special snowflake. I'm lazy. I'm using "excuses" not to do things. I'm "edgy". I complain about everything. I hardly help my mum with any chores as I can't motivate myself enough to wake up. I deserve to be shot, spat at, beaten up, laughed, mocked, belitted, ignored, run over, stepped on like a doormat...

I'm disgusting. I believe people deserve to feel special. Special isn't nice according to the Internet it's pathetic. My sister has the same mentality, you know. She believes depressed people are only using excuses. She believes all men should "man up". She never calls me by my pronouns as I'm too "girly". She has told me nearly all my life that I'm sick in the head and need to be in a mental hospital. She used to throw rocks at me. Threaten to beat me up over nearly everything, including being too noisy walking around the room early hours of the morning (we used to share a room ages ago. Even getting up to move irritated her).

I feel like trash, I can feel like everyone in these chat rooms look past me because I'm an embarrassment. I make them cringe so hard. The other day I was mocked when I was trying to express my anxiety. 3 of them joined in. Ha. I once had a forum in the 'Relationship department' where I got yelled at for "not responding to anyone else's suggestions, not reading them, etc". I made a new post there recently, looking for advice because things were bringing me down, and something made me believe nobody was paying attention... I often get misunderstood, so my anxiety pushed me to believe nobody was paying attention.. I was a C*CK and got upset over it...

Sh*t, I'm disgusting. Everytime I come here I feel like I'm ruining my reputation. What reputation? The one where nobody's annoyed and peed off with me. The one where I'm not wrecking things with my presence. I feel like I shouldn't be on 7Cups.

Everywhere is a mess. All thanks to me. I'm so frustrated with those group rooms. I've been obsessing over it waaay too much. If anyone's been unlucky to notice my other posts, threads, etc. You'd probably wish I do one and f*ck off.

I'm waiting for people to mute me from frustration. Honestly. I feel like those support rooms aren't support rooms anymore. They're just club houses.

I'm disgusting for even bashing them. What is wrong with me?

I deserve to be drunk out of my mind, too drunk to function, to get so hungover I cough my guts out, to be knocked out, slapped... yes, we've been over this, but I hate myself so much. I feel like it'd be easier if I faded into non-existance...