Things just seem to get worse.
Ifound this beautiful website today because Ineeded help. This is the first time I've actually looked into any kind of therapyto help. I'm a22yo female& I've been recently diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder after dealing withon/off depression since i was 15. I've fucked up a lot of my life in the last few years & made so many mistakes that I can't seem to forgive myself for & I feel like I can't seem to stop. Like I'm unintentionally self-destructive. I've dug myself into a big hole & I feel like I'm clawing to get out. Every time I think things are getting better & I'm finally getting out, something else happens its as if i get shoved back down & fall. This is the worst I've felt. I just want to disappear. I used to be suicidal & attempted a few times but to be honest.. I don't think I couldanymore. I've already disappointedeveryone around me. I can't do that to them. So I want to disappear. I don't mean move to another place & start over. I mean just leave my waking life. I just want to sleep all day. Most days I find myself hoping to get hit by a car & end up in a coma. I know that sounds horrible & I'msorry. I'm just at the end of my rope..
This sounds exactly like something I could've written, you're not the only one feeling this way! I'm happy to hear that you are starting to look for help and I hope you can get through this and leave everything bad behind you for good. Sending good vibes your way! Get better <3
@Maz12, I am sorry to hear youre feeling this way. I have also recently been diagnosed with major depression. My counselor said I have probably been depressed to a lesser degree for some time as I have had a lot of things bad happen in my life. The latest things, and the things that really put me where im at now, was the death of my mom last year, as well as 2 aunts, and finding out about 3 months ago that a girl I loved a lot in the past had actually died 7 years ago. I was devastated. I at one point wished I wasnt around, although I didnt want to kill myself. Hang in there, you will get through this. If you can do it, get some professional help and by all means, continue to spend time on this site, they have a lot of great resources. Yesterday, I was crossing a street that had a 25 mile per hour speed limit, I looked both ways and looked back to my right and literally, there was a girl driving, if not twice the speed limit, if not close to it. If I had not looked back right and taken one more step, I would either be in the hospital or dead. You get that close and it scares the hell out of you. PLEASE, do not even think again about doing something like that. I could have literally reached out and grabbed that girl and you know, she never blew her horn or slowed down. I was pretty shaken up and thanked God she didnt hit me. I know you might not feel like it, but im sure there are people who love you that would be terribly upset if you did anything like that. I know how you deel and even though I dont know you, I would be terribly upset if I found out you felt bad enough that you felt that was your only option. I cant say that I can guarantee that if I tell you things will get better , that they will right away get better, but I can promise that I will say a prayer for you that you will see brighter days ahead. Please dont ever give up. :):):)
I know exactly what you are going through! My words exactly! It is hard to go daddy through day hiding the tears around co-workers. I'm art a very low right now and that's why I ask here, seeking the help. This too is new to me. Hang in there! I know it's hard...
I have been depressed for about 3 weeks now. I do not even recognize the person in the mirror. I go through the every day motions but not really here. I wake at 4am every morning and cant go back to sleep. It is hard to look at happy people since I used to be one of them and I was the first person to say enjoy life!!! Its too short. and then look at me now.. someone I was very close to at work left 3 weeks ago and they have moved on and it is when a heart breaks it does not break even.. I want to connect with other people that feel the same way..
@Wildwood1234, it may take a little while, but you will get better. I dont usually cry but since I have been depressed, I cried a lot everyday for a few weeks. I tried to hide it from people but couldnt. I stayed to myself. Of course it didnt help that I dont care for the people I work with because of them threatening me and sabotaging my work. I could be walking through lowes and for no reason, start crying. I dont cry much now but im not totally back yet. The best things that have helped me is finding a good counselor if you can afford to, spend time on the different areas on 7 cups, including the listeners and find some different things to read if you like doing that. I have found a place that sells used books very cheap and found some good books. One book im reading now is deadly emotions by don colbert, md. He is a new york times best selling author and has written many books. I hope this helps you and maybe others a little bit. Tou will get through it.
The fact that you've been recently diagnosed says that you're in the game enough to seek help from a qualified professional. That's a big step, whether you realize it or not.
Depression can be insidious. It's very difficult to recognize depression-related thoughts and behaviors, at times. What you say about wanting to sleep all day, wanting bad things to happen to you, excessive guilt, suicidality... All of those have been known to happen frequently in people with MDD.
Major depression isa serious medical problem. People aren't expected to get over other serious medical issues by themselves. More to the point, they don't choose them. You might believe that you are sabotaging yourself,but remember that you didn't ask for depression and the effects it would have on your life.
Please continue to follow the treatment recommended by whatever professional is treating you. That's so vital even if it doesn't feel like it's working yet. And if you feel you are in danger of committing suicide, call your local emergency number or suicide prevention lifeline (1-800-SUICIDE in the USA).
Depression is a tough row to hoe, but you're already doing the hard work. Have patience with yourself. It's all easier (and more quickly) said than done. You can do it, though.