Unfair

It's unfair. I'm writing to let out how unfair I feel it is. Why do I ( and unfortunately so many more) have to experience this one otherwise so wonderful life with such a burden. Why is the brain so negatively affected by some chemical imbalance. Why do so many bad things happen to some in life. It's unfair. On some days I'm so full of anger towards myself for just not being able to cope like a normal human being should function. Why does taking out the trash take ages, why is everything so messy, why do I only feel okay when being busy and why the minute there's nothing to do I am collapsing into old bad habits again. Why is there so much on my mind and why am I never changing though I'm trying. I'm trying but I haven't changed and I seem to mess up every new start i get and everything seems to only be collapsing. And I cannot blame depressing, because i am depressing, it's me, my brain, my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like i don't know who I am- generally always just thinking about who I wish I'd be. It's unfair. I feel like I'm unable to change, no matter the days, the things, the chances - the grey cloud is always there and I don't know why