Venting about life
I have no home. Before recently college was the worst place on Earth. My freshman year here was an absolute hell, I was constantly miserable whenever I wasnt with friends. I couldnt wait to go home every break, altough I never told my parents or anyone that I hate it here or Im depressed etc. So summer shouldve been amazing, but no. My brother (who was a toxic person years before this) went on a drug-fueled rage that lasted 2 months and he targeted me. He would come into the house and my parents would have to call the police to get him out (of course they never helped in all this other than as a threat). He threatened me, tried to hurt me, and one time he came to the house at 5 AM, came into my room, said something I cant remember. If I wasnt hiding under the covers and he saw me I dont know what he wouldve done.
Now though everything is good! It was bc of drugs so that makes it totally okay (/sarcasm). My parents now want me to make up with my brother and I cannot see him. I am scared to, and disregarding that, I fucking hate him. For years before this he was a jerk, if he wasnt my brother I wouldve cut him out of my life before this. My parents are very upset by me not wanting him around, my dad has called me selfish, my mom keeps crying about it and I dont know what to do anymore. After all the stress of finals Im gonna go home and be tortured by guilt, which is worse than anything. I dont want to come home, but college still is terrible. Idk what to do
@Paragon21 Ugh, so sorry you've had to suffer that kind of abuse AND that your parents are trying to make you deal with him again before you are ready. Is family counseling an option?
How have you communicated your feelings about the situation with them? It can be really hard to set boundaries in a family that has suffered addiction.
I think a canned response to any guilt trips and setting your own clear boundary is the only way to go. "It was really scary when he attacked me and could have seriously hurt me. I'm not comfortable being around him yet. If you want him to visit, I respect that, and will find somewhere else to go while you have him over."
I know this can be tricky on holidays, but movie theaters and lots of restaurants are open on holidays. If this is a situation where he is living with them and you are visiting.... Is there anywhere else you can stay? Cheap hotel or get an exception to stay at school? (Universities usually have classes over break, maybe that would be an excuse if it's not too late?)
@ThisIs543 I would also highly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting.
@ThisIs543 You may also find some helpful resources on a site about personality disorders. Here are some tools I've found particularly helpful with family who don't respect boundaries.
https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
@ThisIs543 Thank you so much for responding. No he doesnt still live at the house thankfully, I dont know how I could function if he did.
My dad did mention family counseling at one point, but I shut it down because I have a very hard time displaying emotions/feeling vulnerable in front of people, especially my parents (they dont know that though). I also feel like the only way I would ever see him would have to be through my own volition, and I dont think I could get there with them with me. Same thing with a group, I know itd be really helpful, but Im really uncomfortable with it and scared to try.
Ive said countless times that I dont want to see him and am very uncomfortable with it. Ive said Im scared but that still doesnt work. Theyre trying so hard to keep the family together but completely alienating me at the same time. I really like the canned response idea and what you said perfectly describes what Ive wanted the whole time, Im going to use it when Im home.
Thank you again for responding, it means so much to me, and its so nice to have someone acknowledge my side of things
@Paragon21 SO glad he doesn't live there, that's some relief! I hope it helps to have a clear response. The hard part is not getting caught up in an argument. If your dad says, "But he's your brother, how could you treat family like that?" or the like, don't be baited. Shrug and say it's not up for discussion. Leave the room, become the master of changing the subject. (This is where Medium Chill in the above links comes in handy. You learn to stay neutral in everything you say, and it helps you protect yourself from emotional manipulation.)
Plan as much time away from the family as you can manage. Coffee shops, walks in the park, book stores, movies. I feel like the more you are able to find some fun on your own, the easier it will be to get through the break.
How is sophomore year going? Any better than being a freshman?
@ThisIs543 I can understand not wanting to do family counseling. Especially since it's implied that it's to make you be ok with your brother. If your father is able to listen to your needs at all (and that doesn't sound hopeful), perhaps you could ask to start with your family but not your brother at first, and the counselor could perhaps help your parents understand it isn't the kind of thing you force. Or you could agree to set a goal to join the entire family by summer for counseling, on the condition you are supported by getting individual counseling during spring semester. But I'd only suggest offering this route if you are confident your parents would listen. If they are overbearing, "our way or the highway" types, it's probably not worth bothering.
@ThisIs543 Ill definitely read about it and try and apply some of it. I have to go home Saturday so Ill take anything that can help. I have some friends that Im able to hang out with a lot of the time, so that can help me get out of the house.
Sophomore year has been worse in a lot of ways, but I think Im better at handling stressors now (or just used to it) so its felt more manageable. I live with random roommates and its been horribly awkward. I accidentally ate something of theirs out of the freezer (I thought it was mine) and I overheard them insulting me and calling me names for it. Since then Ive tried to avoid them as much as possible and have only talked to them twice in the two months since this happened (very briefly). I know Im not handling it properly, but idk, this is just what I do with things. Its really stressful at times, when Im here I dont come out of my room. That means I dont get to use the kitchen or washer and dryer at all. My fault again, but idk, I feel really anxious doing anything outside of it.
Ive recently realized Im bi (at least bicurious) which has been a mixed bag. Sometimes I try and convince myself Im not. It doesnt help that the only time Ive heard my dad talk about bi people he called them deviants. My best friend is bi too though, and shes the only one Ive told or plan to for now. I also kinda am happy with it, I feel less confused, and like I can be my real self more now. I cant help but think how poor the timing
@Paragon21 is though. This wouldve been a difficult enough process if I wasnt dealing with it now.
Im still really anxious about opening myself up to my parents, but I know I have to make some effort. Ill have to think about it and keep my mind open. Like you said, at the least maybe the counselor can help get my point of view across. Its still really daunting to ask for help though
@Paragon21 If you weren't taught how to communicate your needs at home (or were possibly shamed when you did), it makes it REALLY hard to manage relationships when you are out on your own. Avoidance was my main go-to for many years, and sometimes it's still my favorite coping mechanism.
But that's the thing, coping mechanisms help you cope. Avoidance may be the best you can do right now.
You probably will need to figure out a way to do laundry, though. :)
The LGBT student union on campus would be a great place to connect with people who accept you as you are. College was SO much better for me once I found a social group that I enjoyed. (Mine was a super dorky but earnest volunteer group.)
@ThisIs543 I recently read about being conflict-avoidant and it completely applies to me. I think it comes from the constant fighting that went on in my house. I really hate to fight and argue, I always come away feeling like a shitty person.
One of the few good things about going home is that I dont have to worry about laundry for a month lol. I have a good friend group here, if it wasnt for them I wouldve dropped out freshman year and be in a much worse place with my depression. I dont know how theyd take me being bi (one of them I know for sure would have an issue), so for now Id rather just stay in the closet. I still am interested though, I just dont want to potentially rock the boat anymore than it already is.
I've been raped and abused and I have such an incredibly low self-esteem. I really hate myself and my life. I was just rejected by a group of people who I thought cared for me. I'm making really bad decisions and I made a fool of myself throwing myself at a married man who of course rejected me. I think subconsciously I'm doing self destructive behaviors because I'm too cowardly to kill myself
@quickwittedIdea9294 Im really sorry to hear that you went through all that :(. I can relate to the low self-esteem and loathing your life. Please remember that some bad decisions dont make you a terrible person though, and dont think it makes you any less important or deserving of care. This is a great place to start, and I hope you can make it through all this.
