Venting about life
I have no home. Before recently college was the worst place on Earth. My freshman year here was an absolute hell, I was constantly miserable whenever I wasnt with friends. I couldnt wait to go home every break, altough I never told my parents or anyone that I hate it here or Im depressed etc. So summer shouldve been amazing, but no. My brother (who was a toxic person years before this) went on a drug-fueled rage that lasted 2 months and he targeted me. He would come into the house and my parents would have to call the police to get him out (of course they never helped in all this other than as a threat). He threatened me, tried to hurt me, and one time he came to the house at 5 AM, came into my room, said something I cant remember. If I wasnt hiding under the covers and he saw me I dont know what he wouldve done.
Now though everything is good! It was bc of drugs so that makes it totally okay (/sarcasm). My parents now want me to make up with my brother and I cannot see him. I am scared to, and disregarding that, I fucking hate him. For years before this he was a jerk, if he wasnt my brother I wouldve cut him out of my life before this. My parents are very upset by me not wanting him around, my dad has called me selfish, my mom keeps crying about it and I dont know what to do anymore. After all the stress of finals Im gonna go home and be tortured by guilt, which is worse than anything. I dont want to come home, but college still is terrible. Idk what to do
@Paragon21 Ugh, so sorry you've had to suffer that kind of abuse AND that your parents are trying to make you deal with him again before you are ready. Is family counseling an option?
How have you communicated your feelings about the situation with them? It can be really hard to set boundaries in a family that has suffered addiction.
I think a canned response to any guilt trips and setting your own clear boundary is the only way to go. "It was really scary when he attacked me and could have seriously hurt me. I'm not comfortable being around him yet. If you want him to visit, I respect that, and will find somewhere else to go while you have him over."
I know this can be tricky on holidays, but movie theaters and lots of restaurants are open on holidays. If this is a situation where he is living with them and you are visiting.... Is there anywhere else you can stay? Cheap hotel or get an exception to stay at school? (Universities usually have classes over break, maybe that would be an excuse if it's not too late?)
@ThisIs543 You may also find some helpful resources on a site about personality disorders. Here are some tools I've found particularly helpful with family who don't respect boundaries.
https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
@ThisIs543 Thank you so much for responding. No he doesnt still live at the house thankfully, I dont know how I could function if he did.
My dad did mention family counseling at one point, but I shut it down because I have a very hard time displaying emotions/feeling vulnerable in front of people, especially my parents (they dont know that though). I also feel like the only way I would ever see him would have to be through my own volition, and I dont think I could get there with them with me. Same thing with a group, I know itd be really helpful, but Im really uncomfortable with it and scared to try.
Ive said countless times that I dont want to see him and am very uncomfortable with it. Ive said Im scared but that still doesnt work. Theyre trying so hard to keep the family together but completely alienating me at the same time. I really like the canned response idea and what you said perfectly describes what Ive wanted the whole time, Im going to use it when Im home.
Thank you again for responding, it means so much to me, and its so nice to have someone acknowledge my side of things
@Paragon21 SO glad he doesn't live there, that's some relief! I hope it helps to have a clear response. The hard part is not getting caught up in an argument. If your dad says, "But he's your brother, how could you treat family like that?" or the like, don't be baited. Shrug and say it's not up for discussion. Leave the room, become the master of changing the subject. (This is where Medium Chill in the above links comes in handy. You learn to stay neutral in everything you say, and it helps you protect yourself from emotional manipulation.)
Plan as much time away from the family as you can manage. Coffee shops, walks in the park, book stores, movies. I feel like the more you are able to find some fun on your own, the easier it will be to get through the break.
How is sophomore year going? Any better than being a freshman?
@ThisIs543 I would also highly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting.
I've been raped and abused and I have such an incredibly low self-esteem. I really hate myself and my life. I was just rejected by a group of people who I thought cared for me. I'm making really bad decisions and I made a fool of myself throwing myself at a married man who of course rejected me. I think subconsciously I'm doing self destructive behaviors because I'm too cowardly to kill myself
@quickwittedIdea9294 Im really sorry to hear that you went through all that :(. I can relate to the low self-esteem and loathing your life. Please remember that some bad decisions dont make you a terrible person though, and dont think it makes you any less important or deserving of care. This is a great place to start, and I hope you can make it through all this.