Want to die but not suicidal...
Sorry if this is the wrong forum, 7cups confuses the heck out of me.
Honestly, Im just feeling really lost. Every day for weeks Ive felt so... meh. Like Im not suicidal but I wouldnt be mad about it if I just didnt wake up or if I got hit by a bus or something. I know it would be hell for my family, we had a suicide in the family a year or so ago and were all still pretty devastated about it, so even if it were an accident I know they would be traumatised to lose me as well, even though Im not really terribly popular in the family.
I dont know how listeners work or how to use this app even, I cant afford a therapist - here or offline - since my insurance only covers so much and Ive been unemployed for a while now. But I just wanted to get this out there somewhere. I cant put it on my social media because everyone freaks out every time I say anything remotely negative, as if Im some fragile flower that needs to be protected. Im not. Im just miserable, and being coddled doesnt help. My family treat my depression as if they can just make it all better by spending one day with me, and I love them for trying but its not that simple.
I guess I dont really have a question or a reason for posting this other than to try and get it off my mind. If I can just stop thinking about how much better everyones lives would be if I died or never existed then maybe I can start feeling better? I dont know. Thanks if you read this, and sorry its so directionless.
I feel there is so much more you would like to tell. So much you would like be listened about. There are so many things kept inside you. Please, let's us help you by sharing those feelings while at the same time you will feel so much better. We want you to stay with us, because you do make the difference ' even if you doubt it right now. Let us show it to you. :)
I've been feeling really upset lately, and just don't want to live anymore. I'm not suicidal, but I want to die.I need help
I have lost any connection I had to myself or anyone else because of my self destructive sadness over so many relationship losses. My personality is either nil to overwhelming. I isolate myself most of the time so I don't have to worry about my words and brain becoming scrammbled due to the brain injury I sustained during a time of transitional development (age 11)or having to worry about what people are saying when I'm not around. I feel so negative about myself that I have basically buried myself in my apartment.
And now I'm on here feeling even more awkward that I don't know what I am doing!
Hi @Ehrynny, Im not going to lie it's a tough journey. One, that you have to believe that change is possible. Second, believe that you can change. For me it was hard to even accept that I was depressed. My family would say it and my friends and co-worker all said something and that made me retreat more. I hate talking about myself and when I discuss my emotions I feel like Im complaining when theres ppl in the world who have it worse. But what Im learning is pain/suffering/greif/etc. Is all relative. What matters to you and your feeling are valid just like the next person. Every event in our past, present, future will impact us differently but the pain is still pain.
What has helped me so far is I started journaling. I dont like writing so I started off with a calender planner and in the big spaces Ive been writing how I feel at the end of the day and Im getting into a routine with it. I hope you keep checking back in with us! Be kind to yourself :)
Reading this was so helpful to me. This post is so similar to what I am going through I had to double check to make sure that I hadn
I had to reply as I also have suicidal thoughts, without being suicidal. For me, it's a fear of death, but the consequences on my family come into it, too. I know what it's like to feel completely pointless and like suicide is the logical step, the right thing to do, even when you know reasons why it actually isn't.
It sounds like there is a thread of depression in your family? You're not the only one? It sounds like they try their best too, but I agree it is hard, all they can do is love you and show that to you, but depression is a deep and powerful illness.
Stick around on 7Cups, I find all the subforums quite confusing too, so you're not the only one lost that way either, lol. I agree with the advice to start journaling, I've been doing it for a year and I recommend anyone trying it. But it's not for everyone, and it may not be the right time - I couldn't write for years until I was finally able to last year. Give it a try, might as well.
@Ehrynny
The thought of wanting to die has always been in the back of my mind. I'm not suicidal and I cant stand pain. One time when I was like 6 my older cousin (he was like 8) tried to strangle me (I must've upset him in some way) and I laughed the whole time. He freaked out because I started laughing like a maniac. To this day we never talk about this. He let me go and I stayed laughing for 30 minutes straight. I dont know how it was even possible that I could laugh, I had no air to expel.
I totally understand this. I don
It's strange how you get tired of fighting your way back, constantly. I don't think it's properly understood. I was listening to a talk online about how our brain uses 20 percent of our bodies energy, daily, yet is only two pounds. If we had a different body part that was in pain or making us tired all the time, we would have it checked out and do something about it. But depression and hopelessness is a disease that actively saps your will to treat it.
Some days, I feel myself disappearing, losing feeling at best and despising myself at worst. I've been to the edge and back so many times, it's worn a path in my soul. I've told myself (and believed) others would be better off without me, that no one would notice, that they would all find ways to move on. I've felt numb and cold, lost the will to speak, lost the will to try. I've been in both the dark depths and the cold grey nothingness.
And yet, it has always passed. I don't know about the future, but so far, I can honestly say that life has come back for me, 100%, everytime. I have gotten through each low point by waiting them out, enduring, (sometimes crawling) but mostly practicing stillness, and life has come back for me. Eventually, it brings me something new I haven't seen or known. Eventually, I can remember what is good in life if I can just believe that life comes back.