Weird (maybe?) question..
Hi Everyone
So I will keep this short and sweet as I'm not very good with words/emotions.
Lately I've been feeling low.. Not that I want to kill myself, but inside I wish something would happen to me to end things. Is that considered suicidal? Or am I just crazy?
I do have my reasons for feeling this way but like I said I will keep it short and not bore you guys with my problems.
Just looking for some insight or explanation for this, or for someone to tell me it's normal.
Thanks
I know what you mean. I know I do that sometimes too, wish for some sort of disease to kill me or a car to hit me, something not in my control. But I snap myself out of it quickly.
I'm going to be honest with you, I do class this as suicidal, as many others probably would too. Any thought where you think you'd rather be dead than alive is suicidal to me.
Do you want to talk about what is making you feel like this? I'd be happy to listen to you. You don't have to keep it to yourself
-Love DA
It's funny because, I spoke to a very nice person on here during the week who, honestly, has been the only person I've spoke to openly about things. A total stranger, and for some reason I managed to get a lot off my chest. Anyway, she asked me if I was suicidal and my immediate response was no but it's been on my mind ever since and maybe you're right, I am, and it is suicidal to think that way. I hope it goes away I don't like the feeling at all. Nothing excites me or makes me feel lucky to be here, in fact if it wasn't for bad luck, I would have none at all.
Wish this feeling was going to pass, but I'm almost certain it's going to get worse, as there is no fix to my situation.
Why is it you feel that way? Do you think it goes away? I didn't think anyone else could possibly have these thoughts. It's amazing to find people that understand.
If I have learned anything from this website and the few friends who have stuck by me is that there are always people who can understand how you feel and have felt the way you do. I'm glad you were able to open up to someone. I find it's easy to talk to someone when you know you'll never have to face them eye to eye.
I wish you didn't feel this way. But talking is definitely a good thing to do when these thoughts arise, it helps you gain perspective and also helps with easing the burdening thoughts. Is there anything in particular that causes these thoughts or do they just seem to appear randomly? I find that mine are normally random and I can't seem to find out why they happen. I could just be waiting to cross the street and all of a sudden a thought appears saying 'if you walk out now you'll get hit and maybe die' or I might see an article in the newspaper and think 'what if I got cancer and just died?'
These thoughts don't normally last long for me. I just talk my brain out of it. I tell myself that I don't want to be dead, I'd much rather be alive to see the day when I finally (hopefully) don't feel this way anymore. I was officially diagnosed with severe depression in May but I've had these thoughts for as long as I can remember. Having these thoughts as a child wasn't easy, it's still not easy now. I am starting to get better though. Hopefully with the help of a counselor I can get even better and maybe figure out why these thoughts and feelings occur.
I know what it feels like to feel like everything is pointless. Like your hobbies don't matter anymore. Like you're not achieving anything in life. Like no one cares or understands. But people do care and understand what you feel and think about. Just when you think no one could ever understand, someone comes forward and says 'that's how I feel'.
Have you ever talked to anyone you know about what is going on? Do you have people in your life who would support you?
You're not crazy. Many people feel the same way as you, including me. And it's a terrifying thought, I know. I'm not in any position to give you good advice, just know that you're not alone in this. I really hope you feel better soon.
Hey @UnassumingKite!
You are not weird or crazy for feeling this way at all. And I am so glad you wrote here, because you are not alone in this. I know that when we feel down, we often hide it to ourselves while maintaining an Im okay face, and it can leave us feeling quite lonely, like were spiralling down and theres no one to catch us. I know Ive felt this way before. Its really okay to acknowledge that we feel down, and important not to condemn ourselves because of it… because its not like we chose to have these problems! That said, our thoughts also dont have to define who we are either - troubled thoughts doesnt equate crazy person! You sound like a kind, responsible, and considerate person who is going through a tough time. I think its great that you are finding some support and understanding here - I encourage you to keep reaching out, because you are so worth it!
Hey guys,
I haven't actually spoken to anyone in my life about how I feel, not really. People know I'm going through a rough time at the moment but I've always been the "joker" so I feel I should still be that. So I put on a face every day and get on with things but inside I feel like I'm going to fall apart.
Basically, I'll try keep things short, but I live away from home, and I work long hours in a pretty stressful job. My mother is very sick at the moment, which in itself breaks my heart. She's always been my hero and I hate to see her this way. So I sometimes need to work 10 days in a row to get a couple of days off together to fly home and spend time with her. I can't remember the last time I had a decent rest, anytime I'm not working is spent travelling. I'm exhausted. And airports are pretty lonely, depressing places by the way. Everyone is happy and excited going on holidays, and I'm sitting there alone, waiting to board a plane to visit my sick mother. But I'm grateful for now I can still do that because when she's gone (it pains me to even type that) I don't know how I will ever cope with that.
I'm the only person from my family that isn't married or has children, and that's pretty hard. When we leave the hospital everyone goes home with their families and I go home to my mothers house, and she's not there and it kills me. I have plenty of friends in life, but I have no time to spend with them anymore so I just feel totally alone. I know I should just go home and be with my mother, but I have that financial strain as I don't have that extra support my brothers and sister has in their spouse. I do feel people judge me for that decision, I judge myself every day and I know the right thing to do is just go be with her but I'm worried about how I can pay my bills etc. if I'm out of work.
My mind just keeps going and I just don't know what to do anymore.
Thanks for understanding though guys, it does help in some way to get this out. I appreciate your replies and your own stories, at least I know there are others that feel the same way somewhere in the world.
@UnassumingKite
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It really is an awful situation. It's perfectly okay for you to feel down but you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Your job is important to you, you can't just drop everything and go running, even though you'd probably like to abandon everything in order to be with your mother. Sometimes real life things prevent us from doing everything we possibly can for someone else and that is no reason to beat yourself up about it. You're doing more than enough. I'm sure your mother wouldn't want you to sacrifice everything for her, she'd want you to be okay.
It must really suck to feel so alone and isolated like this. There is definitely no rush to get married and start a family but I understand the desire to. It would be nice to have people to come home to every day who will make you feel better no matter what. I decided to make my friends my family instead, they're always the first people I turn to. Even if you have no one to come home to you can always agree to video chat or text with someone you're close to who will hopefully make you feel less alone.
I know it's hard right now but you need to make time for you. And now I shall leave you with one of my favourite quotes "you may feel lonely but you're never alone"
Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you :)
Hey,
yeah absolutely life gets in the way, but I just know if I were sick, she would be by my side every second of the day. I'm meeting with her medical team on Monday so hopefully get some answers and make a decision based on that. Feel sick at the thought of it, in case it's more bad news. I just feel like I'm suffocating, and don't know what to do. Im struggling to think of ways to keep going. I used to be so scared of flying and now every time I go, some weird part in my brain hopes it goes down. Which I know is wrong as it would affect a lot more people than just me and it's a complete selfish thing to even think. Must be losing it.
I doubt I will ever get married and have kids as I'm.. Wait for it.. Gay, just to top things off. I know gay people can still get married and have kids but I just don't think I will, and even if I did none of my family would support it. My exes are mostly exes for that reason. But that's another story. I'm only in my 20's so maybe in the future it could still happen I guess. Who knows.
Its a very nice quote, and wish I could feel that. I could sit in a room full of people and still feel alone. Wish I could speak to people face to face the way I type.
Take care @discreetAcres6234 you're a really nice person 
As a mother it is basically her job to be by her children's side when they need it. Your job is just to try the best you can. I can already see that you're doing more than enough and I admire your strength very much. This isn't an easy thing to deal with and you're doing really well so don't let anyone (not even yourself) tell you that your actions aren't enough. You're dedicating all of your time and energy towards your mother now which really shows what a loving person you are. You may not feel like you're doing okay right now but I truly believe you will get through this. Life has a cruel way of testing us to see how we come out the other end. Please don't hesitate to reach out to someone if you feel like you need support though, you have a lot of worries on your mind and I'd hate to see your thoughts consume you.
I've had plane going down thoughts too. I actually love flying so I never really understand where my thoughts of 'what if this plane went down and I died?' come from. They're just random thoughts that seem to pop up out of nowhere. It sounds like your thoughts want you to escape the situation you're in. You're just very overwhelmed and you need a break from it all, we all have these moments at some point.
Being gay doesn't mean you're not allowed to have the same joys that straight couples have. It sounds to me like your family makes you feel unworthy with their lack of support, I don't think you deserve that. You can't sacrifice yourself for your family. You can't change who you are and no one should be allowed to make you feel ashamed of yourself or unworthy of love. Don't close yourself off from having the life you deserve to have <3
I feel the same way, alone in a crowd, unwanted, invisible. But I know deep down that I do have people who want me in their life so that's why I carry on going. I feel very alone but I know that I'm not, there is always someone.
You're a really nice person too. I hope you realise that :)
@UnassumingKite Thank you for posting this. I've been where you were before. Quite recently, in fact. About 3 years ago, I met someone and I hit it off with him instantly. We became good friends until 3 months after I heard him say some of the hardest words he ever had to say and that I've ever had to hear: "I've been sexually abused." From that day on, I wanted to do anything I could to help him. It has included everything from moral support to financial support. I'm also in my 20s and having just graduated, there was little I felt I could do for him. So I did everything I could. We went from being good friends to great friends. This past May, I convinced him to leave his negative family environment and move in as my roommate.
Then he lost his job. He currently has no income so I'm taking care of everything. Groceries, my responsibility. Rent, me. Electricity, yup, you guessed it. On top of my other financial burdens like student loans I am providing for someone else. Someone who has daily health struggles, night terrors, and suicidal tendencies on top of all his other struggles. It can feel at times like I'm slowly drowning, trying to take on his burdens as my own and support him in so many ways.
My main struggle right now is trying to find my own life outside of his. I have to take time for me or there will be nothing left to give him. And I've had to learn the hard way that that is ok. I didn't think I was worth investing time in, because I could only think of him, and I got burned out, to the point I wanted to stop feeling altogether and just wanted it to end. There is nothing worse to me than seeing someone that you care about suffer and not being able to do anything to help them. And that is heart-wrenching and horrible and difficult and unbearable, but there is a life out there worth living and you have to take the time to find it. YOU have a life worth living, too, and don't ever forget that.
It took me a really long time and a lot of internal struggle before I could accept that I was worth fighting for. And my problems haven't gone away, and I still grapple a lot with whether or not I'm doing enough, but I guess for me, it's enough to take it a day at a time. Some days are good, which I'm really glad for, and other days aren't and I feel like I'm falling apart, but by using the resources that are available to me (sites like this and friends and family to talk to about things [I'm still single, too, haha]), I've found that I deal with the immense stress I'm under a bit better.
I REALLY hope this helps. I've been a little down today so seeing your post resonated with what's on my heart, too. Thanks for being brave enough to post. Keep on fighting! :)
