What's the point
Every day is a battle. The brief periods of respite I get every now and again are nowhere near enough to even begin to make up for the almost constant agony I'm living in.
I'm so lonesome I could cry (and do cry, quite frequently, actually. Take that Hank Williams) I've been single for over seven years now. All around me, my friends are in loving relationships, some are even getting married. Instead of feeling happy for them, all I can feel ist envy and heartbreak.
Also, I was diagnosed with ADD year ago and while it explains so FUCKING MUCH, it doesn't stop me from feeling like a useless piece of shit who only makes mistakes whatever I try.
There's no reason to believe that things are ever gonna look up again, despite everybody telling me that "my time will come", whatever the fuck that means.
I would really like to kill myself but I know that it would break my mom's heart. Then again, I'd probably be too much of a pussy to do it anyway or somehow manage to fuck it up and end up having to spend the rest of my days in physical agony as well.
On the plus side, I'm planning on spending most of tonight and this weekend either drunk or asleep or passed out, so: Cheers!
Thanks for confirming that there's no point in my being alive
I know that feeling well. I get that feeling when I look at the online courses I have paid for but yet to start. Everything always starts with a good feeling but ends in failure. Every relationship every endeavor thus far. I am not sure why I even spent that money if I was just going to end up just looking at the course thumbnails. I have also been single for well almost 9 years now, I can't seem to make a connection with anybody even if I try it always ends up being forced. Same with you the only thing really holding me here is my family. They always seem so happy when they see me and I paste on a smile for them. I can't let them know what is really going on there isn't anybody that isn't going to ask me money that I can talk to either.
The one upside is that you have a diagnosis, it's more than what I have. I am not going to bust out some sage advise because let's face it I wouldn't be in this emotional mess but I can at least say that you are not alone and if you want to talk shoot me a message. I might not reply right away, I am really bad with continued social interaction (It took me months do my first post on here, this is that first post by the way) I think it might be one of the reasons for me being single for so long.
@CorrodedLemon
Thanks for listening to my rant (well, reading it, more like it). I know what you mean with the online courses. I usually start them and then give up once I realise I'm not really able ot retain anything, so I can really relate on that front.
Same on the relationship front, obviously. Of the only two guys who've been interested in me in the last 7 years one was even more messed up than me and tried to employ emotional blackmail when I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship and the other one I met online and realised after like a week that it's definitely not going to be working out xD The lack of social hobbies kinda makes it hard to get to know people...
As with being bad with social interactions... tell me about it. I manage to say the wrong thing in the wrong situation about 7 out of 10 times and have a track record of scaring people off or annoying them so much they stop talking to me xD
What kind of courses have you signed up for so far?
PS.: I don't think this site has a pm system which allows for two non-listeners to connect. kinda sucks :l
@affableFriend1434
No worries, I guess I should thank you for pulling me out of lurk mode ha ha. Well, I bought 6 courses for Python and the various applications. Luckily these courses are lifetime access so there is no strict schedule to follow. They were really cheap, I think the reason I bought so many is that I am desperately looking for an exit strategy from retail. I'm not going to get any degrees out of it but I was hoping to get enough knowledge to start doing some freelance work and build a portfolio like that.
I get it. Retail eats into your time like crazy. I barely have time for myself let alone the time to grow and maintain a relationship. I tried being upfront about it but that seems to scare people off, the other option is not talking to them for days and then come back as if nothing happened. That also ends badly as it seems like I don't care. It's not that I don't care I just get these days where I have this intense need to withdraw from all human contact.
Maybe it's for our safety, I can imagine there are a lot of very emotionally vulnerable people here that are not as cynical about the human race as I am (side effect of the job I guess). But we can chat on here about whatever you're comfortable with here. The semi-anonymity this page gives make a bit easier to be open about certain things.
@affableFriend1434 I know how you feel. I am so so sorry that you feel that way. Find someone you love and trust, someone who wouldn't judge you, someone you're comfortable venting to and just TALK to them whenever you really need to. If you don't have someone then the listeners here really helped me, find one. Having a support system will help, even if it's just a little bit.
You sound SO much like my best friend. I also have borderline depression and talking to each other about what we feel and what's going on in our heads helps so much.
You are NOT alone.
@littleJackfruit93 I feel like my advice is lacking somehow. I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say to help. I don't know what the point is either. My life is a mess too. I'm not saying that talking will magically fix things but instead of having the weight of the world on your shoulders and feeling alonein your pain, someone can help you carry it and somehow make it lighter. Does that make sense?
Again, you are NOT alone.
@littleJackfruit93
Thanks for you advice (it isn't lacking).
I actually managed to connect to a listener yesterday and just being able to unload everything without having to worry about making somebody worry helped a lot. I mean, I'm still heavily depressed but at least I feel like I'm able to carry on for while longer now.
It's nice that you and your friend have found each other. Maybe I'll find someone like that too, that sounds like a good goal to have.
Thanks a lot :)
@affableFriend1434 That's really good to hear I'm glad you got to get things off your chest a lil :)
@affablefriend1434 hey sorry I'm really new here so I know this won't be the best advice or anything, but I just wanted to say that I also have been fighting Depression for the last 4 years on-off and I was diagnosed with inattentive-presentation ADHD about 5 months ago, around the same time my ex decided it wasn't in her best interests to be with me anymore, after two years. I saw you said there isn't a way yet to stay in contact but just know I'll be looking for your posts now and I'll try to reach out when I can! I hope your morning has been better than mine! 😊
@fairmindedTortoise3652
Oh man, that timing sucks. I don't know how you felt when you got your diagnosis, but I was both immensely relieved and also terrified because I felt like everything I had been and known up to that point was a lie. It was the time I would have definitely wanted someone by my side, so that must have been horrible for you.
I'm also very new here, so maybe I'm just a dumdum and haven't found the pm function yet, who knows xD
Thanks for listening and for responding :)
@affableFriend1434 I agree with that statement too! I thought the diagnosis would be a great thing, finally a step in the right direction, but just like you it also felt very scary and surreal, and I still struggle with those feelings today. At least we have each other! <3
@fairmindedTortoise3652
Talking to and getting to know people with ADD/ADHD is certainly helping with putting things in perspective and giving me an idea of what to expect. That was, for obvious reasons, unthinkable before the diagnosis.
@affableFriend1434
I'm sorry you're lonely
