What was I trying...? [TRIGGER WARNING]
This past spring, I was really stressed out about school for no particular reason. I've always been one of, if notthebest student in my grade, even having skipped a grade in the past. The problem is that it's rarely challenged me, and so last year I became extremely lazy, spending almost all my free time at homeon my laptop and doing my work at what was often the literal last second - and I mean that in its intended use. I would sometimes not even do my homework in classes that allowed late turn-ins without penalty, but this built up to extremely stressful situations.
It got to the point where I considered suicide, though I wasn't sure if I really meant it. I had decided that if I was going to do it, I would set it up so that it would seem to be a murder - I have no real explanation. I researched poisons and methods while making complex plans. The real thing were the pencils. I removed the lead from mechanical pencils and replaced it with a needle, which I wedged in so that it stuck out from the tip. At any given point, I would be carrying around between two and twenty of these in my pockets and school binders. I would sometimes stick these into my hands to create a 'magic trick' with the floating pencil, but I never did much more, nor did I get the gopher killer I had planned to buy.
What do you think about this? Was I serious about any of it? I wasdepressed, among other things, and while I am doing much better now, it may come back if it was severeenough. Thanks for any help.
I may not be so helpful but I'll tell you that I understand the stress you've been living. Over achiever people need to be underachiever sometimes & they need to be left alone & not to have to live up to high expectations, they get tired,it happens & it's fine ! you don't have to be perfect all the time.. but I think what you did reacting to this stress is that you let bordom get in your life! be active in other things not neccessarlyschool but never give it up to those thoughts you have. I guess those thoughts were you're reaction to what you've been through because you gave it up to these thoughts. I know people react diffrently so try to find oter ways of reaction.... you better talk with more specialist people about it . best wishes :)
