Who can help? No one.
Please do not read this if you are triggered by the following: self harm, suicidal tendencies, talk of suicide.
Today is one of those days where I just want people in my life to know everything about me and my struggles. I wish I could talk to my mother about how I feel but I can't because she doesn't know and she won't understand the way I feel or why I feel this way. All I want is for someone to hold me and tell me that I can get through it and that they're there every step of the way. That isn't going to happen. No one will rush to my side to help me from making bad choices. No one will stop me. No one will care about me.
Every day gets harder. The urges get stronger. I made a promise to myself that I would never hurt myself. I have always known that it will be the point where I feel like I have lost all of my control. And that is where I am now, I feel like there is no self control left, there is only self destruction. I can't shake this feeling, I can't stop thinking about it, I can't make myself want to hurt me less.
Lately all I do is sleep or nap because it's better to be unconscious than awake with my own thoughts and urges. Distractions don't work anymore, mostly because I'm too tired. So I go to sleep instead with the knowledge that I will have to wake up and nothing will have changed for me. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't ever wake. I spend most of my days in slumber, wishing for the world to stop completely so I no longer have to keep living this hellish existence. It doesn't even feel like I'm alive at all.
My dreams offer me no escape either. I'm scared them and i'm scared of myself. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be anyone.
Just let go of the past, and try to start from tomorrow and do different things you never tried before.. Your over thinking too much.. I'm not an expert in anything, just my views from my experience
That is my problem. I do over think too much and I have ever since I was a child. It's pretty impossible for me not to have thoughts running through my mind 24/7. I wish I had a way to not have so many thoughts but that's just not the way my mind works unfortunately. I am trying to do different things though
Hi again! My brain is like that too, and it can get me into trouble. There is a thing called thought-stopping. That is where you actively choose to stop yourself when you know self-harm or suicidal urges are coming up. You take the reins and choose to kick those thoughts out of your head. Course, it is not easy, but I vote for anything that makes life easier, so it is worth trying. It is empowering to me to take control over my emotions, especially when I become victorious over them. I like the visual image in my mind of kicking their butts instead of them kicking mine! Whatever it takes. You start to gain some success in this, and you will feel stronger to take more control of your life. That is a lot of responsibility, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing! You can replace the difficult thoughts through practice until you gain mastery over them. You can do this. IF your brain is going 24/7, at least it can chug in the direction of solutions for you instead of against you.
Also, learning about mindfulness can really help. It teaches you to bring your thoughts under control to focus on what is happening in this very moment, and focus on your breathing, and being able to enjoy what is happening in the present moment. It can be practiced anywhere, and you don't need a class or anything. You can look up the principles online. Bright minds are the kind that are running 24/7. Use all that brain power to help you harness your emotions and wrestle them under control so that your life works for you. You can do this! I am going to take my own advice on this too, just so you know!
That is not a helpful response to someone who feels like this person does. Letting go of the past is a lot harder than all that. You don't know what someone else has been through. Your response sounds a bit critical. I'm just sayin'.
Thank you @struggler64. Everyone has their own views I guess. I try not to take these kind of things to heart. Some people just neglect the bigger picture
I hope you are feeling better today. I am having a very rough time with these kind of thoughts myself, but I am in contact with the crisis team at my local mental health center, and will see a new therapist in the morning. I am trying to hold on. I can call the crisis line any time, and they are doing a great job of helping me. Have you ever done a safety contract? It is like writing a promise to someone that you will keep yourself safe for a specific amount of time, and what things you will specifically do to make sure you stay safe. For instance, my contract is with the mental health center. I am contractually obligated to keep myself safe until my appointment tomorrow morning at 9 am. Until then, if I am having a hard time, I will call the crisis line. If I am feeling super unsafe, I will either call 911 or get myself to the ER. I am much more likely to just go to the ER than call 911 and get all that kinda drama going.
Do you mind if I ask, how old are you? I'm just asking out of curiosity, nothing else. I am 51. I have been going through this shit since I was 3 years old. I was being seriously abused and made my first suicide attempt at 3. Course, I didn't know how to bump myself off at that age, but I did try. I don't mean to say that I go through this all the time. Thank God! It is VERY exhausting, as I am sure you know! At this stage in my life, I tend to go through this at least once a year, and it might last a month, but this time it has been on and off for about 5 months. I have managed to heal a lot, but in the last few years, the sheer magnitude of everything I went through sneaks up and bites my ass like a hungry pit bull, and won't let go.
I know how strong these feelings can be, but I also know from experience that they will pass, and that I can have an effect on them. Sometimes I choose not to control them, and I become their bitch. Sometimes I do that because I just need help and support, and if I am fine (because I handled them myself) then I don't feel like I can justify asking for the support. Other times I don't handle them because I really want to harm myself and don't want anything getting in my way. That is usually the outgrowth of being really pissed off at the world or someone in particular (my mother, most often). I also sometimes don't handle them because I am too mentally exhausted from battling them too long for that day, and I just let them roam free.
I actively did self-harm from the time I was 8 until I was 28. 20 solid years of self-abuse. I had one minor relapse on this about two years ago, but I haven't done it again since. It wasn't out of self-hatred though, as many think. I was trying to divert my emotional pain to physical because it was so much easier to take. I felt numb and in deep anguish at the same time, and I wanted to feel alive so I caused myself physical pain. I also was so angry at my parents, and I didn't feel right taking my anger out on them physically, so I beat the hell out of myself since I couldn't do it to them. What I failed to recognize then (and sometimes now too) is that I was already abused enough---so when is enough pain in my body and spirit enough? Why am I taking over where they left off?
Do you know what your urges to harm yourself or commit suicide are about? Are they tied to any significant events or relationships in your life, or more tied to your feelings about who you are or what your life is about?
Do you have times when you don't feel so badly? What is different about those times than what you are dealing with now? Do you have things in your life that ignite some passion? For me it is turning things that might otherwise go into the landfill, into art. I can look at something I find on the side of the road, and figure out pretty quickly what I can make it into, and it often turns out way cool. My interests in art and writing fire me up and keep me engaged with living. If you didn't feel depressed at all, what would your days look like?
I hope you feel better very soon. Remember, there is help for you, and you deserve to feel great!
Wow @struggler64, that is quite a journey you had. I am very sorry that life was so rough. I'm glad you're still around though, it means you didn't let the demons win. It's very good that you are taking all of these steps to make yourself better.
I'm 19 years old. Sometimes it feels dumb to think that my life still hasn't really started yet but I have hated it since I was a kid. I should feel thankful for each day but I don't. I kind of hate being so young because no one really takes you seriously at this age, people just dismiss you and brush you off as if you're just making things up for attention and it's very hurtful.
I'm not really sure where these feelings come from. I think the main reason why I have these thoughts and feelings is because there are times where I feel like no one cares about me, no one cares that I exist. It makes me feel very alone and that's when the thoughts begin. Sometimes I get angry at myself because I don't want to be this way, I want to be able to live a normal, happy existence.
If I didn't feel depressed I imagine myself being more social with people around me, writing more, engaging in activities, stuff like that. I love writing but my motivation hasn't been what it used to be lately. I'm out of ideas, I'm out of energy, and I'm out of strength to create. On the other hand, I'm not really sure who I am without my depression because I've always had it so I don't know any other way of living and being.
I honestly couldn't tell you how and why my better days happen. Some days I just wake up and I feel light inside. Like a weight has been lifted off my chest. But then the next day the hollow feeling returns and I remember that my good days are only temporary.
Thank you for your optimism despite your own situation. I hope you feel better
I am really struggling hard today. I went in for crisis counseling. It helped for a while, but then I slipped back. I can call them any time around the clock, and they are very supportive. I try not to be a pain, and they are always telling me not to even worry about that, as being there for folks struggling like me is what they are there for.
I am a writer too! I have been published a number of times, but not in the bigger arena---still small potatoes, but still working on it. I wrote a kids' book in 2011 and self-published it. The hard part is marketing a self-published book. That is a nightmare! I don't think I would do it that way again. These outfits that do this just are vampires wanting to suck more and more money out of my pocket.
When you feel like no one cares, you can know that I do care! Honestly. I can't remember if you have tried anti-depressants, but I really think they would help you. I have had good luck making them work, at least until this time. I only take them when I need them, like now. Usually, one called Effexor works for me quite well. However, I guess our body chemistry changes, and this time Effexor made me feel super agitated like I'd had a dozen shots of espresso. Plus, it made me dizzy. So, I stopped it, abruptly. That was a mistake. I ended up getting even more agitated and very dizzy. I had to go to the ER Tuesday night. They had me go back on the medication, and wait for my doc to step it down a little at a time. I have to wait until Monday for that. So, I still have to deal with the agitation and some dizziness. It kinda sucks.
Although you have had depression all your life, it doesn't mean you will have to deal with it the rest of your life too. That would feel bleak to be saddled with it forever. The trick will be to find out what is causing it, and make changes in your life according to what you discover. I can pretty much guarantee you though, that you won't feel better until you can talk with a counselor and sort it all out. Knowledge will empower you, and taking steps to make you feel good will help you move past the pain you are suffering now.
Take care hon! I encourage you to make a list of the people in your life, and write down how you feel around them, good or bad, and why. This will tell you a lot. Sometimes we don't realize that people around us are bringing us down (like the way your mom minimizes and denies how you feel, and shames you for your depression).
I'm sorry to hear that today is a struggle for you @struggler64. I'm glad you're making sure to seek out help when you feel yourself slipping. My day started off pretty bad too, for some reason I woke up and I just felt low. I decided to stick to my plan though so I got up, got ready, made my shopping list, and then off I went to do my shopping. Then I had all the things I needed to cook a meal for myself and I just finished eating that meal. I also cleaned uo my room so I'm feeling very accomplished right now. I basically just had a day where I took care of myself and the environment in which I live and it made me feel good. It feels really nice to have everything clean and to have finally cooked my first meal in my new home (I was just eating ready meals before).
I officially start classes at university on Monday and I'm really looking forward to it. I feel like it might help get my brain focused on what I love again. My class seems really nice too so hopefully I'll make some friends, I already have my eye on a few people to befriend haha. You keep working on those small potatoes, if you find enjoyment in it then do it.
I've been on fluoxetine (prozac) for a few months now and they really do seem to help. My bad days aren't as frequent as they used to be. But I still have my bad moments. I was terrified of them at first because I knew that the side effects could be pretty bad but all I experienced was a bit of nausea and then it was gone within a few days. I still plan to talk to a counselor about it to see what they think is going on and hopefully help me find answers. Also, it'll be nice to just have someone to talk to about anything that's bothering me and know that they are experienced and have a lot of knowledge under their belt.
Maybe I will make a list. It could be interesting. You take care too!
Good job discreetacres6234! It is good that you got out and did what you needed to, to take care of yourself. I had a pretty good day today too. I got myself super busy on art projects (that's what lights my fire besides writing). I had made a creature (I call her an autumn sprite) out of tree limbs, artificial leaves, and found objects yesterday, and then I installed her this morning inside a planter barrel in the front yard. She will greet passersby. Then I took my bedroom lamp and whacked it with a hammer. That felt great! The lamp was big and ugly, and too awkward for the space on my small log nightstand. So, I busted the hell out of it with a hammer and those pieces will go toward making a mosaic (my specialty). Then I took the light fixture part out and made myself a new lamp with reclaimed wood, old horseshoes and metallic silver spray paint. It turned out pretty cool! It is sitting on my nightstand at this very moment. I was impressed with how it turned out. I still have to find a lampshade for it, but I am dead broke right now, so it will have to wait until next week when I get paid. There is something so satisfying about breaking stuff with a hammer!
I am glad you are doing what you need to do to feel better! You are definitely on the right track. I'd encourage you to closely examine what you are thinking when you feel so low, and write those things down. It will help when you go to a counselor. I know for me, what I think helps keep me miserable when I am in a depression. Actually, I think this is true for everyone who suffers from depression. Either we're blue from what we think, or we're blue and then we think dark thoughts and it keeps us depressed.
This depression has hit me real close to the bone, and has been a lot harder to kick than most of mine. I typically have depressions that are short (1-3 mos.) at this stage in my life, but this one has dogged me for close to 6 months. Half a year. I am doing everything I can manage to get out of it, but it is slow. I'll see my doc Monday and see if this anti-depressant is maybe the wrong one for me at this time. Take care and enjoy the rest of this first weekend in autumn! I hope your classes will be great. They are bound to help you focus on other things. I love academics!
That's a good attitude to take! Maybe that person will learn from what you and I both said. Pat answers seldom do anything for anyone. We all need to remember that pain is pain, and we can't judge another person's pain unless we've walked in their shoes, and more than a mile!
Have you tried any alternatives for self harm? Like squeezing a peice of ice or rubbing it where you want to hurt yourself, mark on yourself with a red pen, anything like that (since you mentioned distractions didn't work). Writing your feelings down in a journal or writing it down then ripping it up helps with urges and depression also. Even though it might seem to help, sleeping is the one of the worst things you can do. I'm not sure why, but sleeping makes depression worse. Do you have anyone who you can talk to and/or vent to?
Nothing seems to work. It doesn't stop. I don't feel like I can control myself anymore for what ever reason. I used to try keeping a diary but it just made me feel ridiculous for writing all of my deep, dark thoughts down because at the end of the day it doesn't feel as if I have a reason to feel this way, it just happens.
Sleeping just makes me feel lazy and like I'm wasting my time but it's all I have the desire to do. I have nothing else that I have the motivation to do, I'm just constantly tired.
I hesitated to reach out to my best friend because I didn't want to bring up sensitive times but she encouraged me to talk to her. It did end up helping a bit. If I were to talk to other friends about this they'd just end up making it about themselves or trying to make light of the situation. They don't actually listen. Sometimes it feels like I could be in the middle of a room screaming and no one would even bat an eyelid.
Have you been able to access counselling? medication?
Depression is not to be taken lightly.
Definately what I call, "being around people" helps me.
I am so sorry you are feeling badly.
I have had some bad spells in my life, but I have also have some wonderful amazing times! So I am glad I stuck around.
Maybe that friend you talked to can continue to be a support for you? Many people love to help others.
Sometimes I 'fake it till I make it'. I just keep going through the bad days. Even if I dont feel great, I make lists and do stuff on the lists and that makes me feel good.
Helping others also makes me feel good.
Dunno, those are my thoughts.
Hang in there kiddo.
I have been on medication for a few months now and tried seeing a professional but she told me that my depression would just fix itself so I refused to go back. She made me feel awful so I'm still looking for some good help from someone who actually cares about my wellbeing.
I've been going out more lately. Walks tend to help because I may be alone but at least I'm out of bed and doing something nice for myself. I'm still trying to remain hopeful that wonderful times are ahead.
Sometimes it feels like all I do is help others but they aren't so willing to help me.
I'm trying really hard to keep myself out of my dark thoughts. I hope it works.
Yeh, goto find a person who is a good 'fit' for counselling. Sometimes not so easy.
Ditto w/meds. Hopefully find one that works.
Sounds like you doing LOTS of good self care!!!!! I am impressed.
You are doing good works.
Ya....people....sigh....
There are a lot of people who are willing to help you. Apparently, you didn't find them yet, but don't let that stop you from continuing to seek. If you have a faith, maybe a pastor or priest or someone like that can help. They are free! Don't stop looking, okay? Friends and family can be great, but your case calls for professional help too because of the risk to your body. I am in the same boat okay? There is no shame in needing professional help. Wouldn't you go to police for protection if you had a stalker? I think depression is stalking you. It is a wicked beast, and needs to be arrested and taken far from you. All you have to do to start is find the right cop (professional counselor) to help you get rid of your stalker.
I've learned to carefully choose who to confide in. Some people just can't hear it. It doesn't mean they don't care about you. It might be they have a lot of hidden crap they are dealing with, and their brains are busy trying to survive those things. I know what you are talking about though. Sometimes, you just have to take a risk with people you feel safe with. They can surprise you, and you can end up with a wonderful support person or a full support network. Watch and observe how a person interacts with others. If they seem pretty superficial with other people, you're probably going to want to skip that individual. In the meantime though, make use of crisis lines, and get some professional help. It is so important when you feel bad enough to consider self-harm or suicide. Getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself, and if you want to get better, it is the way to go. Your life is at stake. What would you want a loved one to do if they were in your situation?
Hey, I'm so so sorry about what you're going through! I've been through the same. I what it feels like to just want to sleep all the time. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I wish I could change it, take the pain away and give you hope. I honestly wish I could! If you need to vent I'm here, I will try my best to give you a different perspective in things. Think of it as an adventure!
That's so sweet of you. I'm very touched. I wish you could hug me too, I'd definitely hug back, god knows I need it.
I wish to feel better everyday. I love this site because the people here really understand what I'm talking about, thank you for understanding.
I'm definitely up for an adventure! :)
Consider yourself hugged from me too! I am a mom, and want to hug people who are hurting. I think you are going to pull out of this, and that I will too. I have lasted this long, and survived a tremendous amount of BS. This is easy compared to what I already lived, so there it is!
I feel most of things discreetAcres6234 does. Even though I don't know about self-harm. But sleep is a major component of my depression periods.
And lately, I would feel depressed in a cycle. Like one week every month, everything would feel pretty dark.
Then there would be days , I feel happy about my work, and would go on with 4 hrs sleep every day. Feel proud of waking up on time very day, cherish bathing, breakfast. And its all about the discipline, and how regularly I call my mother and sisters, during this period, which gives me bleak hope of surviving the next dark spell.
But the dark spells do return, with deadline of a task or a test. But mostly without any reason at all. Specially weekends and start of vacactions are scary one . Everybody is planning "fun" and "enjoying" things, and I feel I didnt work hard e ough last week. There is no fun , I deserve. I think about it Friday.But the end of the day, I revolt in kind of anger, "Why am I the only one who does not deserve fun? I don't believe in your puny heavens or me being better than others. I dont think anybody is undeserving." But Saturday, I would feel ashamed of me, even if it was just sleeping for 18 hours. " Still, there is sunday. I can start working tomorrow." But it does not happen. Monday, is the worst part. Because the shame of Saturday, I had some right to it. But on Monday, I need to see people I made promises to or they expect something for me, even if not from me. And that's when the shame becames a day long, weeklong thing. It inhibits all work,plus fun , except the joy of doing irresponsible things( which I don't even enjoy). And I don't need a seer to predict my dark ffuture. As there is no one or thing that I would do anything for. And I am not good at my job.
Thank you for sharing your experience with depression. It's a big struggle for everyone to stay positive and focused on what needs to be done.
I applaud you for the work you do. You don't need to be so hard on yourself. We're all just people trying to do our best and sometimes we don't feel our best, but the important thing is that we keep going.
I can relate to the feeling that everyone around you is making fun and enjoyable plans and you aren't. That's pretty much my life. But then again, the fun and enjoyable things that other people plan are not things I find enjoyable any ways. Maybe we both need to find people who have our interests. You deserve to enjoy your life, we all do. We don't live for anyone but ourselves on this earth so don't feel like you owe anyone anything. Just try to do what's best for you.
I hope there comes a time when the dark cycle breaks for you and you can learn how wonderful your future can be
Dude. Don't be so hard on yourself. I wish we were neighbors, I'd definitely ask you out for sure. :D
I guess I have to wonder why you think you aren't good at your job? Maybe it is not a good fit OR maybe you are too critical of yourself? It sure sounds like you demand yourself to be perfect and to work all the time to deserve something. That isn't a very nice thing to do to yourself. Of course your future is going to look bleak if you don't like your job and you demand perfection and excessive work from yourself. That is like living with a tyrant you can't get rid of.
If you don't think you're good at your job, it likely isn't a good fit for you. What would you rather be doing? Can you move toward doing what you like? It is amazing what a change like that will do to your perspective.
I work very hard too, and I often work myself too hard and forget to have fun. I never ever think though, that I didn't work hard enough to deserve a break. I let myself have a break whenever I feel like it (I am remodeling our house). Can you cut yourself some serious slack? That is what is going to change your depression and your feelings about your future. I'd bet my life savings on it. I bet you wouldn't treat an employee the way you treat yourself. How bout lending yourself some compassion and giving yourself some love? Who taught you to be so mean to you? 
exactly ,who can help you? no one can........
People can help you. If they couldn't, I wouldn't be alive at this very minute. I have found a number of people to help me and some to love me. Love has brought me back from the edge time and time again. You have to ask them, and have a little trust that they will. They can only help if you ask, otherwise they are busy dealing with their own lives and may not realize you are in trouble emotionally. Our lives here are messy and difficult, and a lot of people are just trying to deal with their own messy lives. Doesn't mean they don't care. There is help here. We've all been mired in depression at one time or another, and many of us are right now. But, we have caring and empathy, and strategies for feeling better. Those who have been down this road are even more equipped than the average bear to help you and will care even more because we know what it is like.
Can you be open to us? Trust us? Try us?
i love how you express your feelings and your words,it
The problem with depression is that it's within us. It makes us turn against ourselves. There are plenty of people out there to talk to who listen to you but they can't do anything to prevent further suffering. We have to figure that out ourselves somehow.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you can find caring people to make you see that reality isn't always dark
@discreetAcres6234, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain, because you don't deserve it, lovely. I don't know how are you feeling today, but I just want to send you lots of comforting hugs! Each of them has a lovely bow on top and will bring your bruised heart a relief for a little while. I am sending them in a company of baby elephants and three boxes of chocolates. Here's a reference photo to recognize the gift:
I wholeheartedly agree with you - people can't protect us from sufferings. But it doesn't mean we can't support you and say lovely things to drown the harmful noise from your brain. You are in a lot of pain, and it's awful and unfair, and we cannot change that. But please, just known that we are here for you. We can understand the depth of despair and struggle, even if it's not our own. We want to use our time to listen to you, because it is already difficult to get through the day with invisible shackles, but you don't have to do it alone. I admire your strength and bravery to reach out, because it's one of the hardest things to do when we are stuck in the darkness. I'm proud of you and I feel privileged to be able to write to you, fellow warrior. Fighting beside you is my honour.
I once read a quote which went: "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional". I'm not a fan of pep talks, but somehow this sentence gave me comfort. Maybe it will do the same for you.
Sending best wishes with all of my affection!
Dear @Celaeno, you really are a wonderful person.
I have been so busy ever since I moved to university that I haven't had time to be bothered by my feelings. I've just been focused on getting my room to look homey and making sure I eat meals throughout the day. I still feel lonely but it doesn't feel as bad as it had been the past few weeks. I guess it's hard to feel lonely in such a busy city that is full of life. I also feel like I fit in here, I don't feel like an outcast like I did at home. I still accept your comforting hugs though, I love a good comfort hug :)
You have no idea how much your comforting words mean to me. You really understand me and let me see that I don't need to suffer in silence, alone and scared of myself. I am starting to find it easier to reach out when I need comfort. It doesn't exactly stop the suffering but it makes me see that I am loved and my feelings do matter, I matter. I'm very privileged to be able to write to you too. We are both warriors here. I don't want to give up fighting. If this week has taught me anything it's that there are better times ahead, the dark times are not going to be there forever. I will fight until I win the war inside myself.
I hope you are doing well. I'm sending you well wishes and my affection also. You deserve so much happiness and love <3
@discreetAcres6234, my wonderful, I'm very happy to hear that university fever took over you and keep you occupied ^^; You're a fighter and I don't worry about you, because your words inspire me to join your side, but if you need anymore hugs, just let me know. I'd love to do so in times of need or just to brighten the rainy days.
Your spirit is up and I'm thrilled to see how you will conquer your world! Wishing you a wonderful semester, without tears and heartaches, but filled up with curiosity and loving people to support you. And fun, try to have fun, even if you have a different definition of it than others. May I ask is this your first year at university?
I noticed that since joining 7 Cups it's easier for me to tell people about my pain. I think reaching out takes practice, too. Glad to hear you feel you belong - it's this funny feeling inside your body which keep you warm in the middle of winter, and you deserve the everlasting summer.
Thank you for your wishes. I'm trying ^^;
Lots and lots of love!
Sweet @Celaeno, your words always make me smile. And knowing that you are by my side also gives me a lot of joy because I know that if we all band together we can defeat the nasty times. You're the one leading us through battle on the road to liberation.
I fully intend to enjoy myself, work hard, and learn more about my passion. It is my first year and I oddly don't feel scared. I feel like I will meet plenty of people on my course and in societies who will be like minded. I look forward to making new friendships and connections with people who share my interests.
This site truly is a wonderful place full of support and kindness. I enjoy my time here.
It's good that you're trying. Keep trying until you make it.
Lots of love to you :)
Depression makes us see things in dark terms. Maybe someone wouldn't run to help you, but maybe they would! We are here for you. Our fingers will run across the keyboard to help you. We will care from our own little places on the spinning globe. There is often more than one reality. In your case, the second reality is that there are people who will care for you, both here and in the world. You have a tough shell, but I think there is a girl who is hurting and wants to trust someone inside that shell. It is easier probably to be angry because you've been hurt. However, your anger can make some people shy away from helping you. Are you willing to risk being vulnerable and soft with safe people? Let people care for you and challenge your own assumption that people won't run to help you. You haven't met all the people who could care for you in the world yet. You have a lot of people right here who could start caring for you if you let us. Tell us about your experience with your mom and dad. What are they doing that angers or upsets you?
This is for darkness girl.
Been reading bout ?gratefullness, or thankfulness...anyhow, but each day I try and find three things I am thankful for, like really thankful.
I printed off some inspirational sayings off the 'net to post on my walls too.
I have actually been where you are. I've been there extremely recently. I am glad you made the vow to not harm yourself. I hope you won't harm yourself, or kill yourself. I've had these strong urges to do that since I was a little kid, (younger than 5 years old). I've also had times when I feel happy. At this stage in my life, the happy times outweigh the bad most of the time. However, I still (like lately) have times when I just want to stop the earth and get the f--- off the planet. Why do you think your mom won't understand? Have you given her the chance to help you? Are you in counseling? I think, given how you are feeling, that counseling is a must, immediately. I don't know how old you are, but in most communities there is access to free mental health help. If you are still in school, please contact your guidance counselor for help. Call crisis lines. Do anything that will help you pull out of this. Contact your doc for anti-depressants. They really can help. At the risk of being cliche, I want to say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You sound young, and I have to tell you that circumstances do change, and so do feelings. You won't always feel this way. You won't always feel so bad. What would you tell your best friend if he/she was feeling this way? You wouldn't tell them to go ahead and kill themselves, most likely. I understand being scared of dreams and of myself. I've been scared of myself lately too. I feel out of control, but I also know that I am the only one who can control my behavior, and to some extent, I can control my crappy feelings and focus on things that make me feel better. What makes you feel even the tiniest bit better? Do you have interests or hobbies that you've been neglected while depressed? Sleeping isn't a hobby! LOL. It is an escape, but when you wake up, there you are back with the problems, right? What is making your life so hellish? Is it circumstances in your life, or is it the depression? Circumstances do change, and depression will change too. The only constant in this life is change. Suicide doesn't give you any other options. You sound young, so ask yourself what you would like from this life, more than not feeling crappy, I mean. What would you like your life to be like? What can you do to change your world right now? Taking any steps can help you feel better---it is empowering to take the control back, and will help you feel less powerless, less out of control. I hope this helps you. I truly hope you won't jump off the planet. You could help another person once you start feeling better. What is most important to you? What would make you stay here and try to live? Take care honey! I bet more people love and care for you, than you can see right now. I care and I don't even know you. Think of how much more someone who knows you can love and care for you. I know someone whose adult son killed himself. It has been extraordinarily painful to this woman, and she won't get over it, ever. Suicide isn't something a parent ever gets over. Do you want to sentence your parents to a lifetime of grief over losing you---torturing themselves over what they might have done to help you if only you'd let them? I would encourage you to just talk to your mom. If she doesn't respond the way you want her to, then you know for sure what you are up against with her. You may be surprised at her response. Only a horrible mom would ignore your pleas for help and say "suck it up buttercup," or something to that effect. You need help like right now! The only way you are going to get out of this hole you're in, is to reach out your hand and ask for help, and step out to do things for yourself too. Please, please try!
Thank you for this response. It did give me a lot to think about.
I had these urges when I was very young too. I have memories of trying to smother myself with pillows to see how easy it actually is and holding my head underwater hoping to pass out. It never got me anywhere though, I was too scared to die.
I am hoping that there are happier times ahead since I feel horrible about 95% of the time.
My mother is the kind of person who doesn't see depression as a real thing. She thinks depressed people are just weak and can't handle life. I know someone who committed suicide and when I told my mother about this she just got angry, saying that kids just need to grow up. She doesn't get that it's not easy to stop feeling this way. She has even told me to grow up plenty of times. If I cry around her she tells me to stop because it's weak to cry. She also called me a freak when I hinted that I have anxiety because "no daughter of mine is going to have anxiety". It's these attitudes that make it impossible for me to open up to her about these issues.
I tried counseling but the woman I was seeing dismissed my depression and told me that the antidepressants I'm taking means my depression will fix itself. She wasn't willing to help me at all. She said that we wouldn't even address my depression because it would fix itself. I'm still searching for someone who will actually help me.
I would tell my best friend the same things that she tells me, that I matter and that she loves me and that I can get through it. Her simple words of I love you and I'm not leaving until I know you're going to be okay are enough to make me feel like I can make it.
I've been watching movies and rewatching tv shows lately to try and distract myself. Taking walks also seems to help a bit.
I wish I knew why I've felt this way ever since I was around 4 years old. I wish I had these answers so maybe I could understand why this is all happening but I don't. I've always been terrified of change but lately I'm learning to embrace it. I am currently making more steps towards hopefully living a happier and more positive life.
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate all the love and support I'm getting, it really does make a difference. I am trying hard to reach out more and make changes that will end up being positive for me.
I hope you have a nice day and that you take care of yourself also :)
Thank you girl! Your mom's attitudes suck and are SO not helpful. If I got this right, you just started college and moved into the dorms? So you can start disengaging from what your mom thinks because you are grown enough to be at college. Depression can hit anyone, including those we might think of as strongest. It is a medical illness, just as valid as diabetes or cancer. Depression can hit your mom too, and boy wouldn't that turn her attitude around? It is really tough to get a person who long holds such views to see things differently, but if you can stay your distance for a while, then when she asks you why you are so distant, you can tell her frankly. Like, "Gee Mom. I am not going to pretend I am not in pain, and you've said what you think about depression. It is not supportive and I need to be with people who are nice to me." Whatever you feel comfortable saying to her, yet expressing yourself. This will empower you to begin separating from her. Do you have any siblings who might be supportive of you? I sure hope so. When your mom starts missing you and not having you around, she might have to re-evaluate her opinions. Is this your first semester in college? Don't lose hope. It might be hard to get her to come around, but it is not impossible.
Since you had these feelings so young, the first thing I have to wonder is if you were ever abused/molested. More often than not, that is why such young children have feelings and try things like that---to escape their situations or pain. It also would explain your suicide and self-harm urges. If you are in a university setting, they almost always have counselors available to students. If they don't, they are completely naive idiots! I would make use of those counselors right away. You may have suppressed this kind of memory but it is nagging away at you and causing your desires to harm yourself. I am glad you are working hard to push past your depression and self-harm ideas. Ordinarily, I'd never suggest that this might have happened to someone while they are in the middle of a crisis. However, becoming aware of the possibility may be an answer to your feelings, and once you know one way or the other, you can tackle it head-on and start getting appreciably better.
I have started college and moved into student housing. I'm living in a completely different city to my parents and I feel so free living on my own. I feel like I like my parents more when I'm apart from them, they don't seem so negative and overbearing when I'm away from them. I really wish I had siblings but unfortunately I'm an only child. People would always tell me how lucky I am to be an only child and I couldn't disagree more with that statement. It's a lonely life without siblings around. Even if you hate your siblings they're still there, it was hard for me to feel like I had no one there. It is my first semester and I know that my parents miss me. I don't really miss them though, I miss my cat.
I have many memories of my childhood and I do not believe I was ever abused. I spent most of my time alone as a child. I also had an odd fear of death, I would worry everyday that my parents would die and I'd be an orphan. Nothing from my childhood makes sense to me.
My university does have counselors and I intend to seek out their guidance. I need a professional to help me get through this because trying to fix my own problems isn't working.
This post was for discreetacres. Guess I have to put that on there when I post a reply because they are not going in the line I thought they would be in.
This is for discreetacres.
This. I notice that when I tell other people, they usually tell me that it's all in my head and whatever I'm going through is trivial, when I've been feeling miserable for a very long time. That's why I've stopped talking to people about these matters and I just make a joke to entertain others and myself. It doesn't help really. It's just a distraction more than anything. While I do understand each person has their own struggle, I do feel that a listening ear and a mind free of judgment and opinions make me feel a bit better.
Hang in there friend.
I know how that feels. I've had friends distance themselves from me because I told them how I've been feeling all my life and they didn't know how to handle it.
Some people are just ignorant or don't want to have to deal with negative emotions. But there are plenty of people out there who would love to listen and comfort those who are struggling. Your feelings do matter because you matter. Everyone has emotions, some we can control, others we can't. Everyone has their own struggles too but that doesn't make one persons struggles less important. You are important and I hope you manage to find people who you can actually reach out to.
Theres a certain comfort in talking to people online anonymously. You have the comfort of knowing that these people don't know you and won't treat you differently because of the way you feel and what you struggle with.
Stay strong. Life is full of change and good things will come to you. Take care friend :)
Have you considered telling these folks who trivialize your feelings, diplomatically, that you are in pain and their responses are not helpful? if you turn it into a joke, they aren't going to take you seriously. Sometimes you have to be blunt. Let them know that you wouldn't respond to them that way if they were the ones in pain. Just a thought.