Why?
First in foremost I find myself posting. I can’t stop crying. I need to vent. I don’t want to be judged by my peers. I’ve been battling mental disease since my childhood. My mother was instructed by my kindergarten teacher to have me evaluated after breaking another kids nose for picking on me. My mother didn’t have the knowledge that I really needed care aside given my violent temperament. I found comfort in God and weightlifting in conjunction with my meds after I finally sought care at 18. I was raised in a Roman Catholic home. My parents were having a difficult time with their marriage which ended up in a separation at a young age which gave me the ability to pretty much do anything I wanted given that my mother became an alcoholic and my dad was always running his multiple businesses, thus never home. I’ve struggled with thoughts of leaving this world. I OD twice. In 2012 my marriage was on the rocks, actually years prior to that due to my wife having a difficult time understanding why I had these outbursts out of nowhere and days where I would splurge her and my kids with gifts, vacations among other material things. I’d go out with the boys and wouldn’t come out for a day because I was so drunk, I would take solo trips with my friends to international spots without my wife and kids on a drop of a penny. In addition I would go on shopping spree’s and buy clothing that I didn’t need to the point where I actually had to purchase industrial clothing racks and have a room converted in to my personal closet. I can’t even come up with the amount of money I spent on needless crap. In 2012 I met the girl who turned my head back. I met her through work and never imagine that he would end up living with her for a period of time. Unfortunately I was struggling with my bipolar disease, my business partner was dying and I found solace taking Percocet. Unfortunately for my demise I abused it to the point where my depression, asking my wife for a divorce, my kids and my parents were upset at me for the point where I was not allowed to bring her to any family event. Thetwo years I spent with her worthy best years of my life, I really experience true love. This very day I still miss her feet touching my feet in bed, holding her hand religiously, I found somebody who understood me. She tagged along when I had my psyche consults. She truly understood me. I had to walk away from her. I was toxic and did not deserve either my wife or Bee. Bee deserved better and if I stayed I would of made her life complicated given that she also had a son with a mental illness. I am off the meds until I see my psychiatrist next week. I’ve been off for years. I am so depressed despite having everything. I hope I never bump into her because I would crumble. I have no hesitation; I fucked up. Family is everything but I’m dying inside. When am i going to feel better. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol, opiates nor any substance aside from cannabis in 7 years. How long will it take to just feel normal?
@ergosumperdito Hi there, I am so sorry to hear about your struggles, and I really appreciate you opening up to us. It takes a lot of motivation and strength to do so. I hope this venting helped, and there is absolutely no shame in crying; it can be a stress relief. First off, I want to commend you for your sobriety especially when you also had to deal with relationship problems and depression. As for "being normal", it is quite subjective. Everyone has their viewpoint on that. I hope you are able to figure out your medication regime; being off meds can definitely be dangerous. I know it may not seem like it, but you show tremendous strength and endurance. We are here for you, and do reach out to the listeners at any time if you ever need to chat with someone. Feel free to also update us on the forums whenever you like or need to vent. You do not have to struggle alone. Best wishes! *sending you positive vibes*
*Good heavens what a lot to h have dealt with! Normal is more of a concept than an actual destination. The Almighty They make it sound so damned desirable. To each their own, but if I find myself aiming for happy over normal. *I've dealt with addiction and I just want to say that who we are is not our vices or our disorders. Though they greatly effect our lives, they do not define us. Typical thinkers and typical drinkers sometimes have trouble seeing through all that and I've found it can be very lonely. *Seeing a psychiatrist (Though they can be irksome) and getting back on some helpful meds (they can also be irksome) is a very promising step. *It's never going to be all ok. That's just not life. The bullshit will still rain down from the sky eventually. I think the trick is to get clear enough to see the joy that is small and fleeting. Then you grab onto every little bit of it that flies by and give it all the attention. Hold onto it as long as possible. That way, when the seemingly overwhelming clouds roll in, you have a little bit of light to help get you through to another end. *I think it was very brave and selfless to step away from someone who loved you so well and who you love. That had to hurt. But to try and focus on your health is an optimistic and courageous thing. *How long will it take? Best not to think about it, I think. You probably know the old adage, "one day at a a time." Every moment is a do-over. That's kind of freeing to me. Maybe it could be for you too. *It hurts now and it may not feel like it, but it sounds to me like you're moving In a good direction. And when you're I pain, it's hard not focus on when it will stop. I hope you will rock that self care. You're doing hard work. I wish you the best. Keep trying.