Why don't I deserve a break? Everything is becoming too much to deal with
So this whole year has been one hell of a chaos and it just feels like I never get to catch a break. To keep things short and sweet I just want to talk about the last few weeks. I have been missing my boyfriend a lot who I haven't seen since Covid started aka March 2020 and I miss him a lot. My dad has been in intensive mental care and since he is back things have been getting worse again. I don't live with family but I visited a bit over a week ago. He wants to not live with family anymore which I don't care about but he blames everyone else for his behaviour which gets exhausting. I try to support him but even I draw lines. For example he told me he wants to date other women and leave my mom which is fine but he doesn't have the guts to tell her or file for divorce. Then he wants me to convince his parents to give the house to my brother and I cause he fears my uncle wants to sell it once my grandparents die and dad said if he gets the house he will evict mom. It is all just so messed up. My mom is struggling with his behaviour and he solely blames her for what is going on and whatnot. We also got into a small fight and he came back from the shower with red eyes and suddenly as sweet as I remember him to be when he got out of the clinic. He had obviously cried. I couldn't wait to leave.
I am currently doing my bachelor thesis in art history and it gives me so much anxiety. I feel a lot of pressure and all. My depression has been getting worse again and I just feel so left alone. I cant talk to family either. Things at work are difficult too. I have 2 jobs right now. At both places there is a bunch of tension going on and trying to stay out of it makes me feel so unseen. I just feel so invisible and ignored. It is like no one cares about how they make me feel and I don't want to be in the vulnerable position to explain that I do feel horrible lately. I don't want to look weak.
For a few days now my chronic pain has been back and I just overall feel very very sick and weak. I worked a bunch on my thesis and with work, I try to distract myself a bit. I have today off and wanted to work on my thesis. I finally managed to get up and saw my mom asked me to call her. I do and she picks up the phone crying and telling me her best friend has breast cancer and that she is so scared of losing her and whatnot. It is just all so difficult. I don't want to be a jerk and I know this sounds mean but I can't be there for her right now. I can barely be there for myself right now. I feel like I'm everyone's f***ing mom. Everyone seems to want me to be considerate and it feels like it doesn't matter what I want and how I feel. It is cruel. It is very cruel and selfish of the people around me not to think about what their actions do to me.
Before you ask: yes I have told people and some have gotten mad at me and I don't care. I just cant cut off family even more than I already do.
I'm sorry
Holy cow - no wonder you say - why don’t I deserve a break? It’s like the whole world wants a piece of you. You get pulled into things – people expect things of you – work, personal, family, all of it. And then also schooling – demands, anxiety, who can I talk to. Feels like – people get to walk on me, no one seems to notice when I am hurting, or to even see me. Their actions hurt me. And also – I cannot cut all these people off.
Wow. I have to say – this is a hard place to be. I’m sorry you are so stuck in all this. Since we’re not actually chatting, I hope it is ok if I offer some thoughts? Just to think about?
A few things. The first is – we all have a certain container inside us that can hold emotions. The containers can stretch over time but it is 100% true that – if there is too much poured into us – the container overflows. And that usually comes with symptoms. Illness, auto-immune reactions, depression, hopeless, irritability, even rage reactions. So – we need to protect our container. That doesn’t mean cutting people off but it does mean – being compassionate towards yourself. Hoping that others will notice you are overwhelmed, that your bucket is overflowing – that won’t always happen. So then we can feel helpless and angry and depressed – or we can step in and decide – I deserve protection and I will do that for myself. I care enough that I know it is first up to me. I will shelter myself, pull back a little, be gentle with myself.
And second is – I hear you say it is cruel and selfish for people not to think about what their actions do to me. Can you hear in this – it is as though others have all the power, and you have none. Things are done to you, and you have to endure. No wonder anxiety and depression are giving you big signals! Emotions tend to be functional – they are trying to signal something – it’s not just random. So I suspect they are saying – this isn’t right. You will have to seize your own power, you can draw boundaries for yourself. Not so easy I know and still – it is not just that others do things to you. You can be strong, you have nails and teeth and muscles and bones – we are shaped to be able to act. We have power – even if we have not yet learned that we do. Find small places of bravery and agency – feel the fear in your tummy or chest and throat – and still – speak up, stand up for you. If the world were perfect it would take care of you fully – like a dear mother takes care of a small baby – but that is not the world we are born into. So – make the world your world! Good luck.
Loved these words of empathy and wisdom. I wish my paid therapist was this caring and responsive! (She used to be, but she has since changed. Maybe she is burned out by talking to me for a few days.) Either way - I hope you know how valuable your kind and wise and encouraging words are.