You can rant here

I feel like my whole world is shattered. I'm back to living at my toxic parents house feeling empty and alone. My fiance and I got in another of our infamous drunken fights that started from something stupid and escalated into something huge. He dumps me after all of these, but this time I decided that if he was going to dump me and try to kick me out, this time i would leave. In the heat of the moment, it felt necessary. Now I hate myself for it. He says he loves me still but needs time to think. He doesn't want to talk to me, but says he's just as miserable as me. I need him in my life. I'm so scared that I'll never have him back. We are both disabled so we spend literally 24/7 together and it's almost always lovely, but both being alcoholics with PTSD amongst other issues does lead to issues. Now I've potentially lost him over a fight that started over a YouTube video, of all things. I've decided that I'll be finding out tomorrow (it's Sunday so nothing is open) about starting DBT and anger management classes, as well as restarting IOP, both to better myself for myself and to be the best I can be for him and show him how much he means to me. I keep thinking this has all been a bad dream and that I'm actually at home or that I'm just visiting my parents, but then I'm reminded of how all to real this all is. I can't eat anything, I'm sick to my stomach, I can't focus, can't sleep, I can't function. I'll do anything to have him back in my life, but I feel so broken.

I feel lonely.
I am usually very good at being alone and entertaining myself.

But now, I feel lonely.

Like I have no friends.

My friends who are there are not the ones that I can talk to about my issues and the ones that I want to talk to are busy and they don't owe me their time so I have to wait till they are free to speak to me.

In the middle I just feel like there is no one there to just be there for me when I need.

Maybe that's selfish.

I want to get better. I want to not feel lonely.

I want there to be things I can do to occupy my day with becayse right now I'm doing nothing.

I want a friend to talk to.

Someone who knows me and the situation and someone who will understand.

I feel like I want a therapist, but I can't tell my parents I want a therapist. I'm not suffering from major mental health issues, but I'd like someone to talk to and sort through my thoughts and emotions with. It's been a weird couple of months.

I want someone to tell me that I'm strong and I'll overcome.

All my friends keep trying to kill themselves or self harm and Im already depressed and In therapy but I dont have enough energy to help all of them. They have therapists but they cant see them often and all have terrible parents. The most important person in my life feels like Im ignoring them and neglecting their needs and I honestly had been for the past couple weeks but they didnt tell me anything was wrong they just expected me to know. Usually I would notice but Ive been so emotionaly drained from picking up after my other friends I didnt notice their issues and now my relationship with them is growing weaker and I dont know how to fix it or how to help my friends anymore because Im just so tired and I keep failing at helping them and I feel so useless.

I haven't felt like myself for a while now.

Even when I'm surrounded by friends and family I trust, I can't tell them anything. I'm sleeping 14 hours a day now (beauty sleep's great and all but I need to move a bit more). At first I thought things were getting better, but everything's a matter of settling into habits. Once your family and friends get used to your act, nothing else matters. It's a neverending cycle. And I know if I struggle to push against it I could break it, but for now I'm just drifting. I feel like I'm far away from everyone, like I'm looking at the world through someone else's body. I desperately want to talk to someone, to cry for help, but I can't bring myself to say a word.

I feel like I've killed myself mentally (that's the stupidest thing I've ever said but let's roll with it). I barely recognise my own voice or my personality. It feels like my brain and my nerves are fogged up.

I guess all I wanted was a bit of validation? Maybe someone to tell me I'm doing okay. Or that they're proud, or that they care. All I wanted was someone to reassure me that I'm not that pointless.

But I'll hang in there. My time hasn't come yet. B)

Think I'm going to call the police on my mother. She has been asked several times not to contact me through phone, email, or in person. She continues to send me emails, they end up in my spam folder because I've blocked her account. She recently sent emails through other accounts, which have also now been blocked. I understand toxic people love to push boundaries - but this is ridiculous and she knows it. So I'm thinking of filing a harassment complaint. Or, filtering out her emails so they don't come through at all. She wants to be noticed but toxic people who gaslight, victim blame, lie, and manipulate don't deserve the attention. So I don't know which to do. I live with her and she drives me to and from class. I have taken to only writing notes except when classes end early. But she consistently violates clear boundaries. I think she believes if she is persistent I will "give up". Honestly my life would simply be much calmer and peaceful without her (nor my father) in it. Father is worse, physically abusive. I feel the police may be too extreme but the only way she will listen.

Rant-rant-rant, is this good enough?🙄

I dunno, lately no matter what I do I don't feel happy? It's like, I'm not sad or anything. It's just that I can't feel happy unless I'm actively doing something, like laughing or something. The feeling wears off so quickly after. I feel very mildly anxious otherwise, is the best way to describe it. And I'm tired a lot of the time. At night I have a lot of bad dreams too, so I don't get the best of sleep. I'm in my last semester of high school and I don't know how I'm gonna start doing life. It's super hard to find jobs and it seems like everything is beating me down. I have goals but they just seem so overwhelming and I'm scared something won't work out for me. I dont know if the stress is what's causing this, but mu mental state has been like this for longer than I've been worried about life stuff. It certainly doesnt help though.

i feel alone. im in care, this is my tenth and last year as in september i turn 18 which is also when i came into care (8th birthday)so 10 years marks me leaving. recently i feel like shit. ive got back into contact with the sorta good side of my family like my aunts and uncles on my dads side. thats been going well but something just fucking hit me like, why didnt they help? when i was first brought into care they did ask my aunty (dads sister) if she would have me but shes recently explained to me that she had to say no because she was going through a divorce which is fine. but then i think about my dads brother, my uncle. hes a university lecturer and his wife is a psychiatrist so where was their excuse for not taking me in? even if they couldnt take me in, they had money to stock the fridge for us by just doing some shopping. my home life was terrible, i was abused and neglected and left unfed most days. and this happened whilst the family who claim to love me now were sat there earning 6 figures? and when i came into care there was no effort made with me. the only reason they give a damn about me now is because im more like them. im in sixth form college, i wear nice clothes and i already have a job so im no longer a shame on the family like my dad i guess. they dont say that though, its just kinda obvious that they didnt wanna be associated with me coincidently at the time i was going down my dads path. i just need my family because for my whole life ive made friends to make up for the fact i havent hada family but now my experiences with friends are getting worse and worse and people are just drifting away from me and i know thats my fault because ive stopped putting the effort in. im TRYING to put the effort in but because im in college theres now more people and more people are trying to make friends with me and ive never had more than 2 friends in my life before so i end up drifting from my closest friends because i get too focused on the fact there are these new people trying to get to know me and i wanna make some sort of good impression or something? its like i just feel everything in my life is changing at once so im trying to change with it and find reasons to be happy but then the things that arent changing are still priorities i have to (and want to) make an effort to maintain because ill lose them otherwise. but think about it, im holding onto my old important stuff whilst making new important stuff and its just a cycle, like a fairground ride and people keep falling off and then i panic because theres people i kept on the ride that i only wanted on for a little bit and theyve taken the seats of the people that couldve stayed on???? im having panic attacks for the first time in years. im arguing with strangers in comment sections on social media so i have someone to take my wreck of emotions out on

I felt very scared today. I will be taking my trip to Arizona for my birthday next month, and as I was planning and gathering information, I just felt an overwhelming feeling of dread.

The average retirement age where I live is about 65 while the average lifespan is 77. So I'm supposed to work 65 years so I can enjoy only about 10? I started doing birthday trips to live my life while I could without disregarding my responsibilities.

While I planned, all I could think of was negative what ifs. What if my anxiety gets set back and I lose my progress. What if I'm not doing enough to continue the progress? What if a new problem develops? What if I lose my grip on my depression while I'm out there? What if I do the unthinkable?

So what if I dont go to Arizona and I stop travelling altogether? What if I never get better because I'm to afraid to expand? What if I get stuck in routine- work and home day and night- and I never live? What if I'm on my deathbed and I have nothing to show for my life? What if I live and die without ever making an impact? What if I'm nothing- not even a fleeting memory?

And I was scared. I was scared to change, and I was scared to remain the same. I was scared of my future... or lack thereof. What do I do?

I'm a worthless idiot that only makes things worse.