You can rant here

My rant is about American education.

It has been a long unmitigated disaster.

One thing sadly lacking is the teaching of ethics.

And it shows across all the age groups.

Kinda long, sorry. To the person that hurt me, please get out of my brain. You're not welcome here anymore. When that conversation started, you gave an unemotional answer to my emotional apology. I noticed you were cold, defensive, and distant from our first argument years ago up til the one months ago. I want people in my life who care, who understand people are not all one way, who it's ok to change your mind as often as you need to find true peace.

We never had enough in common for a friendship. I struggled with this. I wanted to be your friend so badly that my anxiety would skyrocket more with you than with any other friend. My friends are my friends and with you, I was constantly trying to be your friend once I fell off your perfect image of me. The end felt like a weight off my shoulders at first but you're still in my head. I wish I hadn't reached out to you to "officially" end the relationship but instead just let it fall away.

I regret being vulnerable to you and letting you in before all this. You claimed you were different. I believed it and your claims that I was family to you. I couldn't believe how fast that flipped. I hate that my brain is stuck on you, no matter what I'm doing.

I don't wish anything negative against you. This relationship has been the best and worst I've had for different reasons, and it has taught me alot. I'm rebuilding my life with people who really care for me and hold balanced views, and don't flip from love to hate. I'm grateful some of those people are already in my life.

A letter to someone who will never read it,

(Self harm trigger warning)

Please stop screaming at me and calling me all the things I told you hurt me. It's been a week since I went back to work and you accuse me of cheating when all I've ever been is loyal and gave you everything I could. You say I'm a whore, when I've only fucked two people in my life. You call me a liar when all I say is the truth. And then you shove me and grab my skin to bruising yet I can't do the same to myself?

"Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die,

Honey, you know
You know, I'd never hurt you that way"

I'm tired... and now you've run from our home. You've left me here alone, in my own head and I swear the knives are calling my name. At the very least the rain outside is cold enough to stand in till you get home.

Okay, first of all, thanks for providing a place to rant! It's nice to have a place to just vent and stuff. Sorry this is kind of long.

I hate how one of my friends is always demeaning others about their academics. He's clearly the smartest person in my grade, and he's skipped a grade. So the other day he was complaining about a mistake he made on a math contest two years ago, and he kept saying that he was so stupid back then. It was a clear fact that he was (and still is) the smartest person in our grade, and he keeps saying how he's still so bad at math, and I just hate that.

There's another one of my friends who I think is not emotionally aware of what he says to people and stuff. We've been friends for two years, and stuff. We were joking about stuff we did in sixth grade and stuff, and he just outright said "haha you were just overly annoying in sixth grade". Like, WOW. Okay. That was so incredibly kind of you to say. Obviously I didn't say that part, I just kind of shrugged it off and ended the conversation there.

The friend I was talking about in the above paragraph - just say he's Friend A for clarification. So another rant about him - so the other day my grade had this big history test. We were all kind of stressing about it and stuff. So this was on a Friday, and the history teacher was trying to get as many tests graded by the end of the day because he was going on a weekend trip that weekend to visit family or something. So Friend A and I were in the last class of the day, so it was very likely that we wouldn't get our grades back by Monday or something. So after class ended we were talking about the test, so we disagreed on one of the answers for a multiple choice question. So then he told me that I must've read the question wrong, and I'm not complaining about that part. But then he was like "oh my god hahaha you actually answered that??" Like, ugh.

Okay, next rant about Friend A. So later on I was talking to another friend - for simplicity, let's call her Friend B. So we were complaining about the history test and how it was pretty hard, and how it took us so long to get to the writing portion of the test. For context, the multiple choice section was 40 multiple choice questions, and then two paragraphs. So the two of us were complaining about how long the multiple choice section was. We both had 15 minutes left for the writing portion, and then Friend A butted in and was like "oh my god it really took you that long??? I had 30 minutes for the writing part!!" And it's like omigosh I get the fricking point!!!!!! Well, we got the tests back on Monday and he got a 92. Yes, that's a high score, but he messed up on the writing portion when he apparently had 30 minutes left. Also, he got the multiple choice question that we were talking about wrong. I ended up getting a 96. Not too much higher, but it's just nice to know that I got a higher score.

So again with the history test. This other friend - for simplicity, let's call her Friend C. She was in the first class to take the history test, and her last name is early in the alphabetical order, so she got her test grade back by the end of the school day. She told me that she got a 99, and I was like "okay nice, congrats", and then she was like "oh my freaking god I cannot believe I got a 99, like I studied so hard and I only got a 99!! The disappointment". Like, you don't have to fricking brag about it, ok??? But then, the other day, I was talking to some of my other friends who were in her class and saw her test. Apparently she got a 92. So she lied to me about her grade?? I didn't confront her about it though, I just didn't want to raise that question, but still.

And this paragraph is also about Friend C. So after she told me that she got a 99 on the history test, she tells me how she got a 100 on a chemistry writing assignment, and I was like "ok that's nice, good for you" and then she went on to say that she didn't even try on it, and she was like "haha you know that when you don't even try on a writing assignment and still get 100, you're in a good place!" Like OMIGOSH I GET THE POINT!!!

I think this will be the longest paragraph. So this friend - let's call him Friend D for simplicity. We chat a lot on Hangouts and stuff, because he's doing remote learning at school and I'm doing in-person. He makes up stories often to get attention and stuff. So the other day, his story was that his parents were making him trim these really tall trees and a branch stabbed him in the hand and went down to the bone and his parents didn't want him to go to the doctor or hospital. Like, seriously, you actually think I'm going to believe that???? Ugh. So then I say that it's pretty obviously false. And he denies it. So I go on by saying that he doesn't have much credibility anyway, since he makes up these obviously fake stories very often, then he says that I don't have much credibility either. So context for this: We talk to each other about our crushes a lot. He openly told me who his crush is, and I give him advice for her, because she's a friend of mine. For me, however, I haven't told him my crush. WHICH WAS A PRETTY GOOD FREAKING CHOICE!!!!! I don't trust him with that info because back in sixth grade, I told him who my crush was and then he showed the fricking email to our entire friend group and my crush was in the fricking friend group!!!!!! So obviously I didn't tell him who my current crush is. Great choice, actually. So we tell each other like, interactions with our crushes and stuff, and we give each other advice. So I've slipped a few times and said that my crush is in my advisory (other people might call this homeroom). I always covered it up, though, by saying that I was just talking to a close friend about it (idk, just say she's Friend E) during advisory and that's why I slipped up. So he said that I wasn't credible because I "covered up my slip-ups" and stuff. So it escalated into this argument and I ended up blocking him.

This is a follow-up from the last paragraph, I just felt that one was too long. So a few days later, I had to unblock him in order to get into a groupchat for a math competition team that I'm in. So he's been messaging me a few times, but I try to ignore these messages and stuff. So there's also this big groupchat that we're in, about 20 people. He wasn't originally in this groupchat. Most of the other people in this chat (including me) have been in it for years. So he got added in and stuff by someone else. So there was this day when we were all making these quizzes to share with others, like, these quizzes about ourselves and stuff. So he legit put these two questions on his quiz. There was a true or false question: "Have I been in love with a girl for one and a half years? True or false". The answer was true. And the other one was "What do I do in my free time?" One of the options was dreaming/fantasizing about his crush. Yep, that was the correct answer. I mean, he was practically begging for people to figure it out. You literally don't put these kind of things up for everyone to see. Like, dude!!! So, naturally, people were like OH MY GOD WHO IS YOUR CRUSH OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT!!!! At the time, there were seven people online, and five were trying to figure out who his crush is. The other two were me (I just chimed in sometimes saying "wow this is fun to see your guesses haha" because I already know who his crush is) and him. The earlier paragraph also says something about how two years ago, he showed my friend group the emails that I sent him about my then crush. So I typed in something like "Hmm if I tell you peeps who his crush is, then we'll be even". So then people were asking me who it is and stuff. Then they narrowed it down to three girls, based on good logic and stuff. I said that one of them was correct, then one of my other friends in the chat (Friend F, I guess) said that he was 100% sure that it was this girl. So after thinking for a while, I decided to clarify that. Friend D then got really mad at me, and I reminded him of when he told our friend group who my crush was. Also, back then, he just showed the emails. I let them narrow down the list, then clarified it when they kept saying that it was 100% sure it was her. So we had this long argument, and I couldn't even block him because then I wouldn't be able to access the damn groupchats!!!!! Besides, I actually had all of this stuff in my private chat history with him, when he was talking about how he was in love with her and stuff. Also some creepy things. I'm sure they were overexaggerated, but still. Kind of creepy. Unfortunately, I can't block him because of the groupchats, but I'm just ignoring him.

So follow-up for Friend D. So me, Friend E, and Friend F made a political group chat, just for the three of us. It was for us to debate politics and stuff, and other serious topics. So Friend D kept asking for us to let him into the groupchat, but we kept saying no because he would make a joke out of everything. He tries to make jokes out of a lot of things, sometimes inappropriate things. I don't mean NSFW inappropriate, but stuff like death rates from COVID and that kind of stuff. So naturally, we didn't let him in and he got really mad about it. Like, ugh.

A follow-up about Friend C. So context: In this groupchat, me and Friend E support one of the two candidates (I'm not going to say who because I don't want to get hate for my political views), and Friend F supports the other. So we have political debates where all of us are civilized, and stuff. So Friend F wanted to add someone else in the groupchat who supported the candidate that he supported, because he felt that 2 against 1 was unfair. So Friend E and I agreed to that, because he's got a point. Just to clarify, I'm not complaining about anything about Friends E and F. They're actually good friends, unlike others that I previously ranted about. Anyway, so Friend F added Friend C. She got into the group chat, and legit typed this (I'm not saying the name of the candidate she and Friend F support, I'll just call him Candidate 1) "Candidate 2 is shit, goodbye" and that was it. That is not how debates work!!!! And then she wanted to do more debates with us and stuff. I also don't know how I'm supposed to say to Friends E and F about not wanting her in the groupchat, because me and Friend C are supposed to be close friends. But really, we're not. In private, she says I'm stupid when I do something not ideal, and says she's joking. But she says it too often to be joking and stuff. People just think we're friends because we carpool together, but that's because my mom and her mom are actually really good friends. So yeah, I don't really like her that much, and I don't know how to say that to anyone but people here by ranting.

So yeah, there's my rant. I'm really, really sorry that it's so long, but I just felt like I had to get it out there.

So, my social anxiety came back with a vengence. Now I'm sitting here in a sweaty shirt and picking at my lips thinking about the way I told myself during a meet with my professors: "dont say that. don't say that!" and then I said it. I said what I told myself not to say because I knew it could be taken the wrong way. I actually thought before I spoke and it didn't even matter. I interrupted them because I know if I don't say what I'm thinking right then, I won't know what to say when they've stopped talking. Just: "mhm, yeah, ok." Made myself look completely arrogant. I could have apologized but I kept digging my own grave. I felt like it was too late to correct myself, it was already out there. No matter what anyone says, you can never take back what you say once it leaves your mouth... someone already heard it.

Every time I speak, I say something I regret or regret my tone, or just keep talking or barely say anything. Just knowing I have to talk can make my shirt soak through with sweat. Every single time. I let my hair down for this short meet because it usually gives a bit of confidence (not today) which was dumb because they probably thought I was more self-centered and vain.

And people wonder why I don't talk much. This is why I never want to open my mouth again and let others just wonder what is happening in my head. So tired. Sorry for all the ranting lately.

I'm not sure if I did this right.

but I'm tired and sad and feeling kind of alone. I don't like being stressed every day but I can't get away from a bad manager at work. I have to deal with it until I can finally leave in April.

I have been battling depression for 10 years, since I was a teen. It has been a lot better the last 2 years while I've been with my boyfriend. It's coming back now and when I talk to him about it, it just seems like he doesn't understand. I feel even more like a basket case :(

I feel like a failure.

My college best friend hates me now and we are officially no longer in communication with each other after I tried to fix things between us today.

I feel like I deserve to be hated.

I'm having a really hard time :/

My boyfriend doesn't even like me and treats me horrible all the time and I want to leave but I just can't. I love him but over and over again he shows me he doesn't want to be with me, he hates me and I am so good to him, I do everything sbd anything for him

how can an entire world of people make such a violent decision.

Thank you for a place to rant!

I am like playing video games to help distract me from a lot, sometimes I do very well and others I am too preoccupied with other thoughts to really get into it but keep playing because it is the best distraction I have that actually works for me. I flipping hate it when I get trolls who message me for not reason other than to put me down or call me a cheater. Either I am too good or too bad. I never reply or egg them on and I usually block them, but I do let it get to me. The words hurt. It takes away my distraction and makes me hardcore focus on my failure. It is just a game, why can't people just have fun in what ever way they wish to.

I don't know if this effects everyone but my whole upper body is aching from being so anxious and tense over the past few days. This then leads to more health anxiety about what's going on in my body...