You can rant here
I know how it feels sometimes when you just want to rant, but don't know who to talk too or even if they will care. Well I care. You're not alone! Please feel free to say whats been on your mind lately, if you want someone to talk too or just want to rant away. I will listen.
Hi guys,
im just really struggling to cope in school at the moment. Due to depression and focus/exhaustion from coeliac disease, I can’t seem to hear what’s being said to me. I get overwhelmed and what to cry, but if I take time out of class to work things out, then I miss the school work, and that stresses me out so much. I’m a good student but my marks are dropping and that makes me feel inadequate and like a failure.
I don’t ever want to do out with my friends or do anything apart from sit at home, but that means I feel like I’m losing them and they feel like I don’t care. I always make excuses, and I always keep a smile on my face when I’m with them, because some of them are struggling with issues of their own and I don’t want to risk their happiness with my problems. So none of them know the state I’m in, and I feel like I can’t turn to anyone in case I upset them. I use all of my energy trying to make my friends and family happy, because I can’t let them know about the depression, and the sleeplessness, and the self harm, and the body image issues.
I feel hopeless, and alone, and stupid. I deleted this multiple times before posting because even now I feel like I might upset people who read it. Sorry xx
@owo123 hey u r not upsetting anyone by sharing wht u feel, i am here if u want to talk abt anything. u just have to tell them tht its not like i dont care i just need time to work on myself. if they are real friends they will understand, cause they have issues too as u said. maybe the reason for your stress is over thinking abt everything, dont assume what your family or friends think until they say it to you .even if they dont support you believe in yourself. just spend some time alone trying to figure out the problem
(i am not really good at comforting people or advising but i tried)
@owo123 You have a lot going on here and I think its important for you to realize that. You can't jumble it all together as one thing that you can overcome. School is important and your fear of falling behind may well be justified, but you are also talking about some much deeper problems here. owo, have you spoken to any doctors about this? If you are hurting this much you owe it to yourself to reach out to people who can help you feel better. I've been there. I'm not sure I ever left.. but time and again circumstances have brought me some respite. Is it possible to put school on hold for a short while? One semester maybe? I don't know your particular situation but I really think you need to reach out to some of the pros. Some of these burdens, some of this pain can just be too much sometimes. Don't let yourself slip too far. There are links and resources all around here. Reach out ok? Before I found this place I used that three digit number. They helped. A lot.
Ive been feeling really down almost everyday for the past year,
its like everything i do is wrong and bad. Ik i tend to do things on impulse and thats something i really wanna work on, but sometimes it feels like trying your best somehow isnt good enough and theres always gonna be someone whos done better than you. Your parents keep saying how so and so did this and this and so and so did that, you apologize and say you'll try to do better next time; but they say they know you're not trying because the income is horrible, but u really are tying and it hurts to hear that from them. They constantly say you're bullshit and that you're so dumb you can't do anything! They're always saying how my sister go 98% on her math test why can't you be like her, im not very good at maths. Even when i study hard i get a passing grade (usually around 70%) and i get really proud at myself for this, but i knew if i showed this to my parents they wouldve killed me by now. Sometimes i feel like a faliure and that i cant do anything right, ppl have told its okay and im not a faliure and i can try again next time. But its kinda hard to believ that when ur own parents think ur straight up dirt and wished they had a boy instead.
It's a bit lonely sometimes, i have this group of friends who i 'hangout with'
when i say hangout, i mean i follow them around and try to talk to them but they just ignore me or tell to shut up. Im probably someone they can dispose of, something replacable to them. They treat me like thin air, like im not even there but im still there; like im just that mistake in the corner that no one wantsto be friends with. They take wat they need from you and they go, never wanna speak or even look at you again. I quickly catched on, i found its better to spend my time alone then do that. Being alone with no friends is a pretty common feeling to me, im just there but im not really there. Its like ive formed a happy maske for myself, ive been using this mask for so longits kind of morphed and mixed with my own personality a bit. Like ik exactly when to be happy when ppl are around the moment they leave i can go back to feeling sorr for myself, ik it sounds pathetic and really dumb but yea..
I sometimes wonder if dying would feel slightly better then what im feeling now, when i think abt who would even give a damn if i was dead; i think barely anyone would care. maybe a couple of ppl would be qenuinely sad but theyll move on pretty quickly. I find a sense of comfort (is that the right word) when i think im dead. Being dead sounds like it woul be okay, it would be fine cus no oneis there to silently judge you, no one is there compare you and make you feel incompetent or useless. sounds good, feels okay to be dead.
@trashycan Sounds like my childhood. My brother was a genius. I mean by highschool he was taking colledge courses. I was the dumb one and my parents had no problem telling me. So I put no effort and just kept my grades up enough to pass. The thing is, it turns out I actually liked school. I think it was in 9th grade when my math teacher kicked me out of class. She said I didn't belong there and gave me a pass to a higher math class. From that point forward I did it for myself.
After graduating and working I was told how my dad would brag about me. But here's the thing. He still treated me like dirt! To my face I was trash. To everyone else he was so proud. This kind of stuff can really mess you up and was my first wave of depression. So I totally feel where you are coming from.
First and foremost you have to realize you do these things for yourself now. Their judgement be it your current friends or family is not what is going to get you through the rest of your life. You can PROVE them wrong! You will. It's not easy to have to deal with parents who put you down, maybe that is where we can help. This place is about support not judgement. As for those friends though, maybe you need to take some time for yourself to really consider what value they are bringing to your life. There may be some other people who would be a better fit. If we surround ourselves with empty people, we are bound to feel empty right?
There are also many ways to express yourself without making it akward like art, writing, music, etc., so that you have a way to let out some of that burden. I like writing myself...
I stand here before the judge and jury a puppet for my peers, exposed alone and broken down consumed by all my fears, but I'm the only true one here I have nothing to hide and the only ugliness I see is what you all hold inside. So judge me and make your silly jokes at my expense have your fun, because that is the sum of who you will be not who I will become.
Ive been feeling really down almost everyday for the past year,
its like everything i do is wrong and bad. Ik i tend to do things on impulse and thats something i really wanna work on, but sometimes it feels like trying your best somehow isnt good enough and theres always gonna be someone whos done better than you. Your parents keep saying how so and so did this and this and so and so did that, you apologize and say you'll try to do better next time; but they say they know you're not trying because the income is horrible, but u really are tying and it hurts to hear that from them. They constantly say you're bullshit and that you're so dumb you can't do anything! They're always saying how my sister go 98% on her math test why can't you be like her, im not very good at maths. Even when i study hard i get a passing grade (usually around 70%) and i get really proud at myself for this, but i knew if i showed this to my parents they wouldve killed me by now. Sometimes i feel like a faliure and that i cant do anything right, ppl have told its okay and im not a faliure and i can try again next time. But its kinda hard to believ that when ur own parents think ur straight up dirt and wished they had a boy instead.
It's a bit lonely sometimes, i have this group of friends who i 'hangout with'
when i say hangout, i mean i follow them around and try to talk to them but they just ignore me or tell to shut up. Im probably someone they can dispose of, something replacable to them. They treat me like thin air, like im not even there but im still there; like im just that mistake in the corner that no one wantsto be friends with. They take wat they need from you and they go, never wanna speak or even look at you again. I quickly catched on, i found its better to spend my time alone then do that. Being alone with no friends is a pretty common feeling to me, im just there but im not really there. Its like ive formed a happy maske for myself, ive been using this mask for so longits kind of morphed and mixed with my own personality a bit. Like ik exactly when to be happy when ppl are around the moment they leave i can go back to feeling sorr for myself, ik it sounds pathetic and really dumb but yea..
I sometimes wonder if dying would feel slightly better then what im feeling now, when i think abt who would even give a damn if i was dead; i think barely anyone would care. maybe a couple of ppl would be qenuinely sad but theyll move on pretty quickly. I find a sense of comfort (is that the right word) when i think im dead. Being dead sounds like it woul be okay, it would be fine cus no oneis there to silently judge you, no one is there compare you and make you feel incompetent or useless. sounds good, feels okay to be dead.
people say that we should always move forward no matter how dark and heavy the things that we’re dealing with right now. Cause this too shall pass right? but what if i told u that some people don’t have anything to look forward to no matter how hard they look? what if they feel like their future is just as bleak as it is right now?
I’m currently waiting for treatment but that treatment never came. each day i’ve grown numb and it escalated to sadness. i’m scared that there will come a day that the darkness is too overpowering that i can’t seem to find the light anymore. It is me that i’m most scared of. i’ve turned myself into my biggest fear.
I'm so angry at my mental illness. Not at "myself" because that would imply it's toward my own person, but my symptoms and difficulties. It's so frustrating not being able to live my life, and be miserable and upset all the time. I just want it to go away so I can be "happy" and talk to people normally.
It took 13 days for someone of the self called group of friends to actually care enough to PM me and tell me that I shouldn't be away and I'll should come back to play any time soon (while being condescending and blaming himself of being the one that was actually lose and away).
I feel in the middle ground, in one hand, finally someone took 1 minute of this busy life to reach.
In The other hand, I'm just the outsider in that group and, in the best of cases, after all my caring and interaction there, I'm just the boyfriend of one of the members making me just an add on sort of thing rather a full fleshed member and it showed after 13 days. The worst thing is that I don't feel convinced about being actually missed at all specially since the same day someone reaches out it's the same day that I have a fight with a stellar member of the group, my girlfriend.
Also, yesterday, she told me that someone asked about her and about me (like we were a package deal, not 2 different members to care), and then she tells me "you know, I can't do much, telling them or telling you... I just don't want to be awkward when we all get together, so you should hang out with them".
Oh, OK? I didn't know I had to be like a child and be forced to play with others to have healthy relationships. But "just can be done so much with me". For fucks sake, I actually rather to keep drowning in loneliness than feeling forced to hang out with others just to not be "awkward".
@KizuZero
It's just so freaking annoying and pisses me off to be threated that way, that I am always the fucking bad one that doesn't hold up to the relationship with others cause I fade away or I have a raw voice lacking kindness. It's always fucking me the issue and my behavior even if I am in my best of the best...
These fragile things surrounding friendships really pisses me off...im trying to be good, I'm bad, I try to be good that it's not even me, still not good enough. Fuck off.
Now results that I have, HAVE, LIKE A REQUERIMENT to hang out with others to BEHAVE MYSELF ON GATHERINGS?
No one is playing or doing stuff I want to do right now, I'm not playing league or Dota right now, why the fuck I should force myself to play those two when I am doing great playing other stuff that, ironically, NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY? asked them several times, no one wanted to play, so why in the hell fuck I should force myself to join a messy voice chat with 10+ people doing different shit just to hang out with others so the gatherings are not awkward? What the fuck, I am not 10 years old.
I already forced myself to play shitty game modes to hang out with them before... Does not wanting to force me to do stuff just to be pleasing and gentle to others that won't do what I want makes me THIS SELFISH?
It's selfish, but that much?
I am so fucking pissed.
//tw cursing
What is happening to me?
I ended an abusive relationship for my own good, i thought i was getting better, and i confessed my to best friend that was my crush.
I was in love with them for a long time.
The thing is, i confessed out of desperation, because i couldn't stop overthinking about being regected. But turns out we were in love with each other, and now we're a couple.
Everything was good and sweet, we really loved each other, but in the resent days i've started feeling irritaded and bored by thing i thought i loved. Like, being cheesy and lovely.
I still love my significant other, i adore them!!
But sometimes it just doesn't feel right. Why? am i wrong? am i bad for not feeling like sweet all the time?
And i cannot be dry with them, because they'll feel bad, and i don't want to hurt them, but i don't want to be uncomfortable anymore.
I am shit, and this is shit. I hate this
//tw cursing
What is happening to me?
I ended an abusive relationship for my own good, i thought i was getting better, and i confessed my to best friend that was my crush.
I was in love with them for a long time.
The thing is, i confessed out of desperation, because i couldn't stop overthinking about being regected. But turns out we were in love with each other, and now we're a couple.
Everything was good and sweet, we really loved each other, but in the resent days i've started feeling irritaded and bored by thing i thought i loved. Like, being cheesy and lovely.
I still love my significant other, i adore them!!
But sometimes it just doesn't feel right. Why? am i wrong? am i bad for not feeling like sweet all the time?
And i cannot be dry with them, because they'll feel bad, and i don't want to hurt them, but i don't want to be uncomfortable anymore.
I am shit, and this is shit. I hate this
I don't know if it's anxiety I'm feeling but... I haven't been motivated to make plans to hangout with friends. COVID has really made me feel like I don't need to.. but I should. It's the feeling of I don't want to be alone.. but I don't want to. It;s difficult for me to commit to a plan without me feeling like pressure. I haven't experienced this till COVID happened and I had to isolate in fear that I might get sick and tons of watching news which was a little too much
Can't wait to go back to some normalcy. Today I feel a bit more anxious than usual. Probably because I had a hard time explaining how I feel....
