You can rant here

I want to live on an island, with all my needs met, but away from all people. I don't want to take part in society anymore.

As at this very moment, I feel very sad with tears in my eyes. I hardly feel this way, and I really do not have any friends I can talk to. I have never had that throughout my life and I'm 23. Most of my pain really comes from my childhood and what a better life my family would have had if my parents were good. I feel that have failed me in so many ways including the food we eat and that saddens my soul. I remember so many terrible things that happened in my childhood that have led to my being this way today. How much my parents quarrelled and called each other useless for neighbor to come knocking on th door to settle issues. How I have never seen them talk to other or even smile in my 23 years of life. How much my mom has always been cheap and never given me suitable clothes even though we could have afforded it...causing my low self esteem and inability to make friends because I always felt less. How terrible food in this house can be! I'm sad..and I have so much going on in my mind

I'm a afraid to be vulnerable, to open up to anyone who knows me for the fear of being seen as less.

I feel like my life is never going to change and I'll never get to move out of this depressing, homophobic town. I'm still awaiting news on this thing that happened last year and I don't know when I'll find out if it's been dropped and my dad has stage 4 cancer. We've always had a rocky relationship so it's a werid time and my mental health has been terrible not just because of that situation though. I know everyone will be so upset with me if I pick up and move. I hate my life, I hate my job and I hate where I live. I feel like I can't win no matter what I do. I'm so miserable.

I hate myself so very much. Not in a physical sense, but in a mental one. I hate how lazy and unmotivated I am. I hate how I don't have any sort of resilience. I hate how I can't be bothered to pursue any of my goals without the promise of a reward dangling over my head. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. My mind is so unfocused I can't even enjoy reading because I can't remember anything that I read. Audiobooks are exactly the same. I'll get halfway through before realizing that I don't have the slightest idea as to what's going on. What happened to me? I used to love reading. I used to be great at reading but I now I can't even comprehend something I should be enjoying. I also have a writing hobby that I keep telling myself I'm going to quit. I'm so close to quitting it right now because there's no such thing as a respected author that can't even read properly. Also, what's the point of spending so much time writing if I don't even know if people will like it? I refuse to pour so much of my heart and soul into a project if there's even the slightest chance of people not liking it. If I can't get money and respect from my work, then why bother? It's useless, just like me. I hate this attitude so much, but I can't shake it. I've been feeling like this on and off for so long. Antidepressants help but they don't make everything go away. I feel awful. I'm in college and I want to go home, but I can't do that until Winter Break. I can't go home for Thanksgiving because of COVID-19. I just want a hug. I want someone to tell me that it's alright, but that would be a lie. They don't know if everything's going to work out. I definitely don't. I'm sorry that this is so disorganized. My mind feels so heavy and I'm so worn out. I don't really know who I am or what I want. I'm so bitter and angry and I barely even know why. I want someone to explain it to me. It's not fair that I have to deal with anxiety and depression. Why me? What did I do wrong?

I definitely need to rant, you won't really learn much from this post so you are better not reading it.

My mom has been the biggest obstacle and problem in my life and I'm sorry if that sounds awful but it's the truth. She severely abused me during all my childhood, always made me believe that I deserved it even though I was always a pretty calm and polite kid. If I got a bad grade, if I watched TV, if I talked, if I didn't talk, if I fucking breathed, she would go all crazy and hit me, kick me in the stomach, scream to me as if she had been possessed, grab me by the hair and drag me through the floor, tie my hands, fucking threaten to kill me, etc. And I'm talking about shit that happened mostly when I was 8-10 years old. This kind of shit happened every. single. day. Teachers noticed at school and they didn't give a fuck. I remember the school counselor (a damn psychologist) talked to me and when I trusted her on what was really happening indoors, she just fucking said "oh... you should try talking to her whenever she is calm and let her know that you feel bad whenever she treats you that way :)" SURE!!!! TYSM!
Point is, all this left me with severe PTSD that I didn't really notice until I was around 18. Shit fucked up the relationship had at the time, cause I got all depressed and started having suicidal thoughts, and my mood, in general, was just on the floor. My boyfriend at the time tried to talk me out of it, IDK if he freaking thought that it was a matter of "letting it go" but I remember that when he noticed that I wasn't really getting better, he literally said, "if you don't get over your depression Ill eventually have to walk away". I know what he meant and I don't judge him for it, but why tf would you say that to someone who is clearly struggling?
My father never gave a flying fuck about me and he is out there taking care of his other 7 children but totally not caring if I'm dead or alive, met him when I was 9, AND haven't seen him since I was 10. What a joke. And I know it probably shouldn't bother me but it does. Because it is not just my father, it is also my mom who never really loved me, it is also my ex-bf who at the end actually did walk away and pretends that I'm dead or some shit, it is the fucking trauma that is not letting me live, that makes me feel like maybe I should not bother living because all my life will always be like this, the trauma chasing me everywhere no matter how hard I try to get rid of it. I love myself, always have, but my life is honestly such a joke. The only reason why I'm on this Earth is bc my mom had sex with a married man, both of them were SMART enough to not use a condom even though they were both 30+ and knew DAMN WELL what they were doing, and 22 years later here I am trying to gather enough courage to either continue living or decide not to. It is a daily struggle and it is not. getting. better. AT ALL. I do not fit in on this planet and I am fucking done. My life would have been incredibly much better had I not had the BAD luck of getting the mom that I got. Maybe I would have kept a healthy relationship with my ex-bf and we would still be together. Maybe I would have more friends because I wouldn't feel the need to cut people from my life, maybe I would be smarter, maybe I would have achieved more at my age, maybe I would have a nice, healthy family. But I guess you can't always get what you want, even if it is literally what every fucking body else around me has.

So i cut my hair like 2 weeks ago since my GF was coming to town. I did it to surprise her with a new look. She didn't come and her trip was posponed for the third time. SHe has been with huge anxiety and stress issues due to college and a dog she rescued, she is sleeping quite badly and we haven't had the chance to talk other than "hey, good day, have you eat yet?" stuff. But i tried to share all my inside stuff and also try to understand hers that she has been in need of my support.

Why did i mention my hair? Today i was chatting with her, feeling good and handsome, i sent her a picture and she asked me to show all my hair, i told her that i ruined the surprise of my new haircut. She flipped and told me that "she already knows how it is" and deleted me from her contacts, again (Not sure why, we are still able to chat) and rant to me for like an hour that i never tell her anything.

I told her that i wanted to surprise her, but she called it an excuse. This was a because our first year together, i barely shared stuff and hurt her by doing that, this time she thought that i didn't change a bit. I tried to explain leaving the fact that she was/is overly stressed and anxious but trying to make her understand that we are good.

She just said "i don't wanna get hurt anymore, so let's leave it there" and now she talks to me like i am just some random (Again).

Yes, i know what you all are thinking. I thought it too.

I am focusing my mind to embrace all types of change, even the change of ending another long relationship (About to be 2 years now), i feel calm but with a growing anxiety in half of my body and a growing calm in the other half; but my mind has stuck the idea that i am just no good and i am just no special at all.

I am annoyed that i am pretty calm.

I am annoyed that despite trying to become a buddhist and embrace the nature of suffering and change, i can't scape the feeling of being useless, not special, and the void that remains inside me.

I hate that my DOR counselor's answer to my depression and inability to find work after officially graduating is to 'just find anything and get hired' and also metioned 'you can do it, you're awesome!' The whole point of me going to college and getting this stupid degree was so I could enter a field where I wouldn't eventually be fired for the progression of my MS!

When she started questioning if I'd tried to contact a therapist to deal with my feelings I had to send a reply that answered her questions. Yes, I found a therapist. I had to do it not long after I was forced to sit through my own graduation ceremony wearing a cap and a gown, even though I hadn't qualified to graduated last year! That over the year I was given to complete all my incomplete courses I had begun to self harm, spoke to my doctor's about it, went on antidepressants, and found a therapist.

And that despite antidepressants and therapy, I'm still depressed as coronavirus runs rampant.

Why do people only miss you when you are gone?

-quote: Don't worry about me. Go enjoy yourself. I'll stay here and be miserable-Eeyore

-my condition: I have stress, anxiety with attacks, depression, I am overwhelmed a lot...I have had thoughts of self-harm and they are getting worse.

I have a lot of issues and problems i don't know where to start and where to end i guess i would like to start with im bi and have a gf and both of our families don't know because otherwise they will make things difficult for both os us

second off my father is disappointed because i'm failing math even though i'm getting better and bringing my grade up but it hasn't changed anything

my gf started cutting on halloween night and i know it is my fault it always is and she wanted to die now

life is too hard

I get anxiety attacks at random and people don't always notice

im faking happiness and i feel like i'm the group therapist and my problems don't matter and theres are more important

my gf thinks im mad at her because i barley talk but im just trying to keep busy so i dont cut myself like she does

my dog is getting old and i have had her since i was one she is 14 now and that's really old for a beagle chocolate lab mix

my parents divorced when i was 8

my younger brother told me i need to go kill my self 3 times

my step mother and step sister joke about beating me and my brother up they are 46 and 23 my step sister talks to her gf all night every night and

i want to cut i have been thinking about it since yesterday i have done research and thought about it alot like how to do it softly the best things to use and places to cut

The closest i have ever got is scratching myself and it only ever made it red or peeled a layer like when you get scratched by a cat and there was barely ever blood and if there was then it was very little only a few drops

In grade 7 my friends would bully me same with grade 8 but i had no one else to go and be friends with and i needed someone in grade 9 they got and bit better but were still mean and now we are in grade 10 and they are ok i started dating one of them ig the nicest one but now she went down this depression hole and is moody and mean i mean like they can be great nice and caring and we do joke around just sometimes it gets carried away

And i do have a therapist and i used to see her enough to keep me ok and now that covid happened i cant see her till december 16th andi have tried doing the stupid deep breathes that everyone says work and it doesnt work for me i mean like sometimes if my anxiety attack is super bad it works but i have to also lye flat on a cold floor

I will try and explain how i feel

It feels like i'm drowning and im too weak to swim up to the surface and the water keeps pushing at me squeezing adding more and more pressure as i as i burst and let it all out but i cant i cant form the words cant explain how i feel its like if i open my mouth all my fears will come true and ill be alone i can only wait and watch as the light fades as i sink i feel so lost so distant from everyone my surroundings fading away and i'm alone even though i am not i can hear laughter mocking me and then i will space out let go i can still hear i just need silence so i will lay in my bed at night letting my thoughts flow it's dark the house is quiet making my thoughts louder oh they are very loud screaming at me telling me i'm worthless to help others before myself that they matter more than me and everyone acts like it too at least it's how i take it its like im the groups therapist and my friends friends therapist and no one wants to hear my problems it's like a joke to them...i feel so lost each day trailing to the next i'm having trouble sleeping and no one will help i need to get better i just don't know how or if i have the strength to swim up to the surface.

The water carries away my tears taking them away like they were never there what does cutting feel like like when you cut yourself like do you feel the pain or are you in to much pain yourself to feel the pain wouldnt it just add to the pain or is it like a escape where you think about the pain of the cut you just forget about all the other pain going from mental to physical and what about death when you die no matter what you are alone you could die at the same time at=s someione right beside them but your still alone or be by them as you both slip into the void of death if you are sourruonded by familty and friends you r still alone suffering no matter what you will be alone. Slipping into darkness falling or whatever happens when you die i wouldn't know im alive aren't i writing this feels like i'm dying my friends slowly slipping away slowly not talking to me staying silent works for a bit when i speak it makes things worse it usually does they can't handle me they don't know what to do or say i just need them to be there that all i ask of any one but know one knows how i mean it's not that hard to do you treat them how you always have is that any different NO! This document seems to be everything i have right now it used to be a sheet of paper but i ran out of room science my friends don't know what to do my mother says forget it i need my therapist back i want to tell people and my friends everything i just don't know how they will act they might think i want attention science emma is getting it but i dont this is me and how i feel. I just need help and someone to talk to. I have been using 7 cups but they aren't the same.

Emma gave me a note its hard to believe she went to cutting and thinking of suicide even though she knows its bad and uinhealthy i want to help her i jsut dont know what to say and when i really try she pushes me away and i want to hold her hand it just hard….

School is difficult there is too much work i cant handle it all i just get so overwhelmed and there just keeps getting more and more and it piles up then i finish it all and get caught up and then another load of work gets shoved at me and i have mental breakdowns and freak out because its just too much