You can rant here

It's 5 days from the last post. It's Monday. I'm feeling good. Slept in the weekend. And I'm back to normal.

It's now Sunday night. It's the last 2.2 days of the trip left. I'm happy, and feel a little bit guilty.

I've done a lot of things myself this afternoon. I woke up at 1pm, and even though I fought with my mom, I also was able to do things on my own accord. Which is something I try to do. I actually did it. I ordered pasta via uber eats, to the hotel. It's something different than my up bringing. I left the hotel and took the subway twice. I walked and used the gps to find 3 stops - the memorial center, the oculus mall (boring), and found 2 macaron stops. To me that is important. To venture out, as a alone tourist.

I thought I'd be a lot more scared. I think the most scary spot was telling the cashier what I wanted - the flavor of macaron.

I know that there's supposed to be an exchange, back and forth, but I tend to pummel forth, so I monologue instead. It's just hmm, safer?

I wonder if I observed, the things in front of me, and took the time to chat, what would happen.

I feel good at 1am morning. I procrastinate on sleep by 2 hours because I hate going to bed.

I will be sleeping, so I have enough sleep.

Some 321 main activities that'll be happening tomr is shower, pick up car, and visiting neighbor to learn cats routine.

Okay, and bored.

@wonderousSigns7

Kinda sorta wanna s3lf h@rm again cause like...

I want to do what I do, but starting salary feels so low, i am not growing past this amount. my last job paid me the same, is is ever going to change

It hurts that I’m there for everyone but no one’s there for me. Years of suppressing my emotions is slowly driving me insane.

Staying on the phone to watch Netflix is giving me a distraction when I'm feeling beyond sad.

What is there to watch?

A old series called Sweet Magnolias. It's about three grown women who are friends that support each other through family conflict, romantic interests, and ..idk

@wonderousSigns7

I dont know where to start but I like a guy who lives 800 miles from me and we havent talked in 10 months and I thought it would wear off but he just comes in my mind and makes me crazy. The worst part is hes my co nephew in law (hes my age though) which hes not related to me by blood in any way but hes my nieces cousin so if i ever got with him it would make him her uncle which is really bad. I havent talked to him because Im grounded because my whole family found out i was dating a guy and all the stuff I sent to him. I used to have a super sweet friend Id tell everything to but I treated her like actual trash and me and my other friend left her out and talked trash about her. Last year on my birthday she gave me a birthday card which we made fun of because it was homemade (she lives in a trailer and has like 6 siblings and is pretty poor) she had some nice jokes and overall she was the sweetest innocent girl you NEED in your life. She left that same year for obvious reasons and I dont blame her and at first we made fun of her in the halls and thats when I realized I chose wrong and the girl who I stayed friends with was the worst influence on me. Last year her and this guy talked the same trash about me and just exchanged photos and at my lowest point (when my family grounded me and hated me so much) I had to sit in front of them as I had no friends while they laughed and had the time of their lives. She couldnt stop talking about her ex's like LOOK HES COMING PUSH ME INTO HIM!! and she generally talked trash about everyone and it got to me. I asked her to stop on multiple occasions but she always switched it on me saying she only did it because she felt comfortable doing it around me because i was her best friend. After every period after every bell i HAD to meet her. I had no other friends because she would talk trash about them all or I wouldnt have enough time with them because she was ALWAYS there or shed try to be friends with them too. Ive tried to leave her so much times but she told me to stop acting immature and just stop. I dont have a phone so every time I was with her shed just always be on hers, laughing, texting MANY guys in fact she had 200 unread snaps and she plans to keep that record higher. She always talks about how she regrets having sex with guys and after school is when I needed her the most. I got screamed at for every little thing and I just needed her there for me so on my school computer on *** (the only thing unblocked) I used to message her and wait for hours only for her to say she was busy or any time I said I felt fatter she just called me skinny and that conversation was done. She barely replied to me and when I asked why she said she hangs out with her family a lot although on her phone you could clearly see full on conversations with multiple guys during after school time. I even lied to my parents to hang out with her twice and met her family whom does NOTHING with her. I tried to talk about it so much times with her saying this isnt the kind of friendship that looks healthy to me if all im getting is negative things. I couldnt end it because I had nobody else and I wasnt trying to go everywhere by myself. That stopped like a week before school ended because I was just done. I acted like everything was okay but asked for her phone real quick, called my mom to pick me up and then skipped the next day as well. I was done with her although she kept on sending messages asking me to stop being so immature and stop ignoring her when in reality i was not ignoring her I was just done. I know she told her mom about it. One of the times I went to her house without my parents knowledge (my parents forbid me from seeing her bc she was a bad influence on me bc of what they found from the guy I got grounded for) I pulled out the homemade birthday card my ex best friend made me the year prior so we could make fun of it and inside slipped out a folded piece of paper and it read something like "I dont know if you ever find this" which I literally didnt the first 5 months after my birthday and she proceeded to say how shell always be there for me and she really hopes our friendship lasts and I cant say how bad I feel for treating her. Now she has so so much friends whom all hate me and give me glares and I cant believe I let the one positive thing in my life go away from me. Ive been struggling with christianity as wellI dont know why I cant sit in church for 2 hours and take something away from it or go to youth group voulentarily. I always make an excuse to skip church when I can in fact I did it today and I just need help and I dont know who to turn to and Ive been having severe weight issues like ive gained 14 pounds in the last 3 months and I havent grown up just wider and Ive NEVER gained so much in so little but Im pretty sure its because for like a while I stopped starving myself at school and just ate regularly and Im back to starving myself. I threw up last week and I felt so good. I felt so empty like I could run a marathon and I really want to do it again. I dont know what to do I have 0 friends and I feel so disgusting right now please help.

I appreciate the space. I don’t expect a reply. I am really angry about some things, anger that I’ve held on two for decades, and I’m now just starting to work to let go of. I grew up middle class and poor countries, and the extreme poverty I saw, growing up is never far from my mind. I’ve spent so much in my life thinking that the world is unjust and that I and other middle class people are unjustly privileged. Unconsciously, I set myself against that, and I held myself back, both professionally and financially, maybe even thinking of making upper middle class money as a kind of evil, or at least as an aspiration that keeps on Justice going. Having studied it, and stoked my anger for so many years, I can give so many examples. I’ve made in my professional life about working with people who don’t have a lot of money. I also have friends who have earned more than me, and been happier, following their dreams for decades, and I still think, maybe I’ll be them someday. I know them, and they’re good people, and they get to do that. I’m not angry with the people that I know, who are upper middle class. Because I’m close to them, I know deeply that they’re good people; I just separate myself as someone who has two, or was given this experience of seeing such one quality and poverty, that it’s my responsibility to save the world, or to do without a lot of money. But I’m tired of being angry, and I’m tired of making less than I’m worth. I hate seeing that phrase, even, because my brain spits back, “billions make less than you do. Is that because they’re worth less than you? Will it help you to wait until every person and every society is the same, and has the same chance as you?” I have to let go of all this, somehow. And I know that part of it is being afraid to let go of the anger, and to let go of all the theories and ideas that I have about saving the world, a little of which I’ve used in my academic and professional life, but most of it, that I haven’t, and mostly takes up my time and shield me from connecting deeply with others. But it’s becoming over bearing, and I need to let it go. But I also feel the need to somewhere Express these couple decades of ideas, I decided that my happiness comes first, though. I mean I really do believe the idea that you can’t put an oxygen mask on someone else until you put it on yourself. And this is driven me to such unhappiness for so long. And so I’m committing here, and will also do so in other spaces, to let go of my ruminating and thinking about big theories for helping the world, and just be with people and get more intimate with the people already know, and with new ones. And to trust that all those things that I learned and thought about, will be put to use, But not just as some decades, long internal conversation, they really only keeps me from being with others.