a lot of bad stuff, i need help

TW: SELF-HARM, depression, borderline suicidal things, a small bit of eating disorder type things, relationship issues

so, uh...i'm writing this because yet again, i want to vent my feelings, but i really don't want to do so where it'll go unheard, because i..i think i want help. i don't want things to be just like this, always

i..don't really know where to begin. a while ago, i took a screening for depression, which ranked severe. i mean, yes i think about self-harm daily, i spend about 15 minutes AT THE LEAST getting out of bed, i CANNOT truly feel good, i always feel bad deep down, my self-esteem is crud, so on and so forth...but i still get out of bed. i still manage to eat. i still do things. yeah yeah yeah, i'm on my computer all day, but i'm on my computer all day drawing and/or talking to my friends. (my offline friends i'm only able to see once a week)

i have so many...is sectors the right word?? idk lol i'm kinda scatterbrained rn. because i'm always scatterbrained, but at least i manage to get my point across :P sectors maybe (lol) to this depression...but i'll start with something important.

i don't want to allow myself to get better. i hate that i HAVE to take care of myself, when i see things like Recovering Your Life For Good(tm)! i just hate it...i gained a very complex fear in 2015, that i think is of improvement? i thiiink the issue is when i think of getting better, healing issues, the big, big issue is i cannot see anything positively. so things like healing, fixing mental issues, etc etc, when i think of it i cannot imagine such positivity. i only imagine becoming so, so profoundly numb you are not able to feel the negativity anymore. it feels like death.

i have many, many unserious thoughts. yes i think "i hate having to allow myself to breathe" daily, but if i actually hold my breath for longer than a few seconds, i don't enjoy it! (unless i'm swimming. but i don't really swim anymore, so) and, sometimes, i say these unserious thoughts. it's hard to tell what's serious and what i mean vs what isn't, but if it seems suicidal, it's probably not completely serious.

i'm not suicidal. i really, really do not want to die. i just hate having to take care of myself, tolerate myself, all this.

i'm a walking contradiction..i hate myself, yet losing myself is probably one of my greatest fears. i hate having to take care of myself, but i don't want to die or actually start to physically fade away, i really don't. the thought of 'getting better' scares me yet i can't stand to live like this anymore. it's just...so, so many things...

i...i'm sorry this seems so jumbled, but i don't reach out to my friends for support, i do not make a peep, so i have a loooot to say about this, i could go on and on and on about this, the only thing that does so is how badly i don't want to be a burden to my friends, but i know here there are some people who manage to read it all, who could listen and listen and listen and...somehow, magically, aren't tired of it, aren't tired of you, who, by some means, can actually tolerate you despite all this, that don't hate you despite all it. it's quite relieving, honestly.

and, speaking of not reaching out to my friends...i don't do it because you have no idea the depth of how much i don't want to be a burden. i have so much of my own issues when a friend tells me of theirs i get super, super anxious, my appetite plummets, and everything just makes me feel so bad i CAN'T give support. so, logically, in my head, i think i am a burden. i have so, so, so many issues, who could tolerate hearing them all? when people suggest seriously getting help, i think oh god no, because it's honestly such a pain. getting therapy requires so, so many steps and such, i feel like nothing more than a burden to everyone by doing such. i blame this on when i was a kid, i WAS a burden. i was the defintion of embarrassment, i was a pain to be around, i was unlovable, i was only good for maybe a few laughs and to get people things, because you know how eager i am to please. my mom, for some reason, always would give more attention to me? so if let's say, i wanted something, my mom would make sure i got it, and my siblings were always SUPER salty about this? all "what did they do to deserve that? I *insert reason why they deserved it more*, *insert reason why i suck so i DON'T deserve it*, *blah blah they're better than me and i am not worthy*", they did this with almost EVERYTHING. so, a while ago, when i wanted ice cream, i told my dad 'i want to eat ice cream, but i didn't do anything to DESERVE that ice cream', he told me i was a lovely person or something and that that was not how it works, as an example of how the abuse STILL affects me.

an actually quite sad thing about all this too, is i am kinda dating someone. we're definetely not a full-on, commited relationship, but we're not just friends either. why is this sad? they make me feel worse.
yes, i love them, and they love me, and they do certainly make me happy! and i do kinda like being with them.. but on the other hand, i really wish i wasn't with them. the issue was, one day, i was thinking about the two people i'd want to be more than friends with; her, the person i'm already kinda dating, and one of my first friends who, although i can't really talk to now, i LOVE to bits and pieces platonically, but also have a l o t of romantic feelings towards them. that person. to me, they're an angel, they make me so happy, i'd be fine having them around me no matter what (unless i needed alone time to recharge, nobody'd be allowed during those times), (whew just darkened the text, much easier to read now X3) generally they just...i'd be so, so much happier being with them than who i am now.
and, ever since i realized that...i secretly really wish i wasn't with them.
the person i WANT to be with i have ROMANTIC feelings towards, just romantic. the person i'm kinda dating... i'm attracted to them like...i just find them attractive. like, personality-wise, they're the most attractive person i've ever known. so that, mixed with knowing them and kinda being with them for months, i've naturally developed like.. the stuff aside from 'w0w ur h0t' (i'm perpetually humorous, forgive me x'D), being more supportive and loving and all..
just...the bad thing is, i can actually pick out psychologically bad things they've done to me. like, i'm more insecure about liking naturey things and just inherently being more naturey as a person, due to them... honestly feels like them borderline guilt-tripping me, as i live in a decently naturey place and the only nature there is a few palm trees and the ocean. i just generally feel more ashamed of liking the things i like, despite them not being bad. the issue is i'm overly sensitive, and psycologically i WILL NOT forget if you say anything that offends me, so it's hard to draw the line between just me being offended by everything and legitimately bad, abusive things. i don't know who's in the wrong here, i don't know..what to do.

i never really take advice. partially because of aforementioned fear of 'improvement', partially because i don't feel worthy enough to try and help myself, partially because i don't want to put in the effort.
i CAN'T take therapy, my family doesn't have the money, and besides if i did they would know, and i do not want a single member of my family to know a single thing of my personal life.

*quickly sketches something to vent my feelings bc it was a good idea and i wanted to let it out*

and to add to all of this, i could have an eating disorder. i hate the fact i have to eat. i have so much stigma with it, so much guilt, so so much 'this not that' that i'd rather just avoid the pain of eating altogether. i hate being hungry, but i'm never hungry anyway, so... i don't give a crud how i look or anything, i just have no appetite and very low motivation to eat, i don't like it, i don't like the fact i have to do it, it feels like a chore. and i'm nearly 20 lbs underweight, too, so that doesn't help...

this all gets very, very bad when.. i have this thing. i feel like, only if i hurt myself bad enough i had to go to a hospital or something, only THEN would i not be taken for granted, only then would i be seen, cared for, only then would i get any good attention...and this is mainly at my family. i feel like if i'd nearly killed myself, only then would things start to be ok, only then will my offline life i live....really start to have a lot of value. because otherwise, i am not cared for, i am not loved, i mean nothing, or so it feels.
but it becomes scary, i know that going to a hospital would not be fun, i have literally never stepped foot inside of a hospital, you can apparently get sick simply from going inside one, and, worst of all, the self-harm nessesary could be fatal...
i have a horrible pain tolerance, i get scared as crap if i hurt myself even somewhat badly, just...i know, i know that going to the hospital and all, that extent, that's not at all what i SERIOUSLY, seriously want.. just.. in my head, it seems like it'd be a relief. people would check up on me to see how i'm doing, they'd stop taking me for granted, it just...feels like then, people would be more careful, i'd be more loved, more appriciated... just.. it feels like only then, things would be good, and that's really, really bad, isn't it?
i don't know if this is too extreme for here...but, again, i don't know where to go. i don't have a phone so i can't call any hotlines (and besides, due to living with 10 other people that i hate, i don't want to say anything out loud..), i can't take therapy, just...something i could do in secret. something that helps, that's good, that's worth it... that helps me feel something..i don't want this to stay in silence, i don't want this to remain completely unknown, i don't wanna leave myself in the dark here...i want help. i want things to start to be more ok, to help me legitimately, seriously start to feel good, not 'forcing-myself-to-feel-good-because-i-feel-nothing-other-than-depression-and-i'm-in-denial-i-really-feel-this-bad', GOOD good. that i'm legitimately okay, that when i'm alone, that when i go to bed at night, i'm legitimately content.
just...yeah. i've pretty much said it all.
by now i want to draw, maybe eat...not remain unheard xD
iii really hope i'm not gonna get into trouble for this, if you read this all you are hardcore, heck yeah my man have a cookie that suits your dietary needs and a high five, thank you very much. keep on keeping on, and give yourself a hug for me, will ya?
i really hope i don't get in trouble for this hhhhh