currently

Dont really need any advice rn just wanna rant to have some sort of release. i havent been diagnosed with any mental illnesses because ive never been for a checkup or have even asked to go for a checkup. i havent attempted to seek help either. i kinda just leave myself in my own circle kinda thing. last year i was at my lowest but this year i have definitely improved big time in terms of the stuff i think about. i think i have symptoms of depression and anxiety but i wont go for a checkup.

lately ive been getting reaaaally down. one night ill be pumping my sad music with all these thoughts of how i hate everything and feel so hopeless and dont wanna ever do anything, then the next day i'd slowly get back on my feet again and be all good. then a few nights later it would repeat. its like there are small things that happen to me and they bottle up and then when something else so little happens i think of everything bad and then i drown in my own negativity.

right now is usually my bed time . i dont feel like sleeping or getting up tmrw morning for school or attending school or talking to anyone or doing homework or eating. i feel sad but i kinda feel nothing more? like im not not sad but im very far from happy or anything like that. i dont feel lazy but i dont feel like being visible to literally anyone right now.

i know i have so much going for me right now because im pretty good in school atm. i dont want my thoughts to lead me to do something that would take everything from me. i know there is so much in life thats worth living for but right now i dont care. im chillin tho