depression at 18 and again at 31.

i struggled a little with depression when i was 15 and 16, but it was manageable, and I fought through it. But when I really started to get depressed was right after I graduated high school. (That was a long time ago. I'm 31.) A lot of horrible things happened all at once. In July, my girlfriend Erika, who I had dated two years, joined a cult and broke up with me. I dated her best friend Kallie for a little bit, and then Kallie broke up with me. For most of August, my mom was in the hospital, and I was worried she wouldn't make it.

With my mom in the hospital, I started college classes and hated the experience at first. I hated my roommate. I got rejected by a lot of cute college girls. I got a job and hated it. Most mornings, my car wouldn't start, and I'd have to walk to class. Then 9/11 happened. I didn't know anyone there, but all of a sudden, instead of my own little corner of the world being a mess, it looked like the entire word was a mess. so that of course made me feel even worse.

In May of 2002, things had been sp bad for so long that I finally reached a breaking point. i tried to kill myself by taking a bunch of sleeping pills, but I didn't take enough. I went to the E.R. and they got me counseling. I took antidepressants for a little while, but I didn't like them and I stopped.

Gradually, though, things started to get better and better. A bunch of my friends rallied around me and tried their best to help me in different ways. I started having more energy and I was better able to take on my problems. By the end of 2002, I was still upset about a lot of things, but I was starting to be pretty happy about other things that were going well.

So from 2003 until very very recently, things have been mostly pretty good. Lots of ups and downs, of course. Some fun times, some sad times, and lots of in-between times. But I survived all of the bad times. I had lots of moments where I was really sad, or angry, or upset, or confused. But I didn't have any moments where I thought I was "depressed." I made a lot of great friends who helped me through a lot of my problems when I had them. I also developed a lot of coping mechanisms to deal with problems. Movies, jogging, musical instruments,etc... there were lots of things to cheer me up, when life got a little crappy.

All of this changed a couple days ago. I'm not suicidal, because I know things will get better, eventually. But I feel the worst I've ever felt since 2002 when i tried to kill myself. I can barely function. I don't want to drive to work, because I'm afraid I'll wreck my car if I start crying in the middle of my drive. I'm a man who hardly ever cries. But I think I've cried more in the last three days than I have in the last 5 years.

I realized that none of my coping mechanisms are "strong" enough for problems as big as the ones I'm having. I also realize that my friends are good support for simple and/or small problems, but not complicated and big ones. And my problems are complicated and big. I have the kind of friends you can turn to when a family member dies or when you have a bad day at work.

I don't feel like I can turn to many of my friends with the problems that I'm having right now. My problems aren't easy ones to explain. A lot of the time when I try, people just don't understand. or they judge.

It seems to me like a lot of the problems we have are relatively easy to explain. For example. If you've been reading this so far, you know all about the problems I had when I was 18-19. (break-ups, girls, job, 9/11, car, etc) And it only took me a couple paragraphs to explain. they're problems that were easy to explain, so it was easy for people to try and help. Every break-up is different...but most people know what break ups are and how much they can suck.

My problems right now are so complicated and intricate and weird....it takes me a couple hours to explain them thoroughly to people. And by the time I'm done explaining, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm already tired and stressed out and depressed, so i don't have the energy to tell people stories about my problems. Plus I don't want to spend 2 solid hours dwelling on my own problems and looking at them that closely. But people want to know what's going on before they can help.

"C'mon, you can tell me what's wrong..."
"Yeah. I can. but if I do, it's going to take me at least an hour and I'll feel worse afterwards. Or I could just say I feel intense sadness about something and leave it at that."

So here I am....depressed for the first time in 12 years. And I have no idea what to do about it. Chatting on 7 Cups of Tea seems to help some. I think I'll keep doing that and hope things start to get better soon.

Thanks for reading. Thanks also for the wonderful listeners I've chatted with who are helping me cope.