get control over my head , how?????

this is the question i keep asking myself , how do I get control over my head, my thoughts, and to be honest i still have not found the answer to that question, I am currently going through a stage of depression, I have been going through this for 15 years , and in my head it seems like its getting worser and worser, i have days where i dont want to get out of bed, i cry alot and i get angry over small things i can have one thing mess up in my day and it could ruin everything , I have a tendency of remember all of the bad things that has happen to me , I went through alot of mental and physical abuse , Ever scince I was 5 I was molested me and my 4 other sisters by my step dad, I dont tell this story to any one so please be kind and curtious and just listen , we went through hell. we had no protection, but our brother ,our only brother, and that protection ended when i was 15 , my brother passed away , his girlfriend help murder him and he left behind a son who is now 11, and far as the molestation is continued all the way up to my grown years , we grew intimidation towards our step dad, and resientment , he was abusive and caused alot of mental abuse in my life, after i ran away when I was 16 I got into heavy drugs and became an alcoholic .2 years later i got pregnant and thought i was in love but i wasnt i got cheated on "blah blah" and i had son my first i didnt know what to do at the time i stopped everything to become a mother a clueless mother , i became a grown woman at young age , i had a job and i took care of my child , but i always ended up back at my stepdad and my mom house because me and my boyfriend did not work out , and the abuse continued, I stayed at moms for 4 years and i met a guy , and we ended up moving out and getting a place together , well that did not end up welll , because he ended up getting me pregnant and started to beat the s#it out of me while i was pregnant , he physically abused me for 3 years I went through meltdowns, and major depression stages dealing with him , there were nights i would sit in a corner in cry in the dark because i was either scared or driving myself crazy trying to think of how to get away ,and the only reason why he finally went away was because he got locked up for other charges not concerning me , before he got locked up though , I will never forget that he threatend to kill me , actually tried to i was trying leave because i had finally decided that I was done, and he blocked my way out the door and pushed me on the ground , and slammed my head around on the walls , dragged me and ripped my clothes off , and tryed to choke and beat me to death while my son and daughter was their, after that god was on my side and he disappered , and i ended back at my stepdad and moms place because i had now here to go again , and the abuse continued , and the more it continued the depressed i became, the more crazy i became , the more hopeless, and lifeless,and sadness , came and i started to let all the voices that were talking in my head take over , and i got more depressed every day and did not want to do activities with my family or kids , i got tired of the abuse , i cryed many nights by myself in the dark , and it just never changed , i got on drugs real bad , for a couple of years and then i got off , but my depression took over more and more everyday , it is very hard to talk to my sisters about this because they dont understand my mind and they will just say that it will be ok , BUT IT WONT , there were time when i was younger and my stepdad would lock me in the room and i would cut my self like my leg , and the marks stay with me forever , I have grown up but the depression is still there to me its worser, I am 27 now and I have four kids i am currently getting ready to move out of my stepdad and moms house i have been here for 3 years now and its been hell inside my head , I still cry and get angry , and there are still days i dont want to get out of bed , but i do it for my kids and everyday is a struggle for ,,me but i know i have to work and provide for them , and i feel that once I leave that place for good there will be a sense of relief and the weight on my shoulders will be almost gone , change is good but its hard , hopefully i can find a solution once im gone to get control over my head and my thoughts and be happy again for my kids, I just need to go to the beach one day alone and sit in the sand and watch the sun come up and just breath and enjoy my life ,and hopefully i get that opportunity , I want to beat depression and live happy , so my message to anyone else out there who can relate to me is F#CK DEPRESSION !!!!!!!!!! Maybe one day there will be a solution for us all to beat it , but until then I dont have the answer ..........

Thank you for listening

Sincerly Porsche