i dont know what to do with myself...
Ive been struggling for my whole life. But my mind snapped four years ago. Ive hit rock bottom so many times. Self medicated and self harmed on and off. My emotions have gone haywire. Im losing friends. Losing jobs. Losing family. Losing my mind. Every time i getbetter, i get shot down. Some of my friends have dropped me because of myboyfriend. My mom and i dont get along, so none of us talk to each other. Ijust had a huge fight with one of my bestfriends of many years over their insults against my boyfriend. I dont think they will talk to me for awhile if ever again. Im trying to hold back my thoughts and urges. Im in the process of getting help, but i have a ways to go. I often feel like i should just leave. Everybody would be better off. Im 99% isolated any way. But i want a full life with my love. I want to start over. I need to. Im so stressed out over everything. I feel like such a failure and a terrible person. And no matter what anybody says, i cant get that out of my head. I hate everything about myself. My image, my personality, my attitude, my thought process. Everything. I cant stand myself, and i feel like nobody else can stand me either. Only tolerate me. Im surprised he even loves me. Im such a mess and a hassle. He didnt sign up for this. Im surprised i have the few friends i do now. I hope i can get better. But sometimes, i secretly wish i never do. So i can suffer for all the wrong ive done in my pathetic life.
Hi there. There?s a lot going on there.. no wonder you feel overwhelmed. It sounds like there is just so much happening that it?s too difficult to just latch onto one thing ? like you?re trying to catch fish with your bare hands :(
I?d really encourage you to try to connect with one of the listeners here. As humans, we all are notoriously bad at self diagnosing our issues? it?s really, really difficult to do. But when we involve other people, for some reason it just becomes easier. I think it?s like they have a net, and they can just dip it in the water, and catch that fish.
So why not give it a try ? It?s unlikely that general comments here will help much? it?s probable you just need to undo some of the knots and get a bit of a clearer perspective on things?
