is it my fault?

I got into an argument (again) with the same guy I was talking about on my last thread. This time, he was telling me to grow up just like him. The thing is, I don't want to be like him. He can proudly say how much he doesn't care nor feel empathy towards everyone. He was so proud to say that he would rather be cruel and be honest without being kind than be kind and honest at the same time. I don't want to be like him since I don't want people to get hurt because of me.

His words make me want to d1e to be completely honest.

I used to love him but all the love I am feeling turned into anger after the argument we had minutes ago. I was just asking him about the things he likes and dislikes about me. I wanted to know what he's thinking of. But all I received was gaslighting and manipulating replies from him. I told him that I want to heal first before I develop on things that I am lacking. I want to be selfish even just once and put myself first. I want to heal and feel better before I think of other things. I am too broken to be able to fix myself. I do understand his desperation to help me grow but the way he delivers his words is helping me to go through a relapse.

Is it my fault? Is it my fault that I want to heal first? Is it my fault for being miserable? Is it my fault that I refused to obey him?

I am not yet ready but he's forcing that there isn't a 'right timing'. Yes, I do agree with that but I don't think that right now is not the perfect time for me to start on working on my attachment issues and such. He couldn't even understand the word stop when I told him that I don't want to hear those words coming from him right now, especially that I am trying to think positively and the topic have been diverted away from the main topic. He told me to change for the 'better' just like him but I don't think that 'better' version of him isn't 'better' at all.

I hate him.