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sinisonmul
139 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2022 Member sinceSeptember 17, 2022
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is it my fault?
Depression Support / by sinisonmul
Last post
 September 24th, 2022
...See more I got into an argument (again) with the same guy I was talking about on my last thread. This time, he was telling me to grow up just like him. The thing is, I don't want to be like him. He can proudly say how much he doesn't care nor feel empathy towards everyone. He was so proud to say that he would rather be cruel and be honest without being kind than be kind and honest at the same time. I don't want to be like him since I don't want people to get hurt because of me. His words make me want to d1e to be completely honest. I used to love him but all the love I am feeling turned into anger after the argument we had minutes ago. I was just asking him about the things he likes and dislikes about me. I wanted to know what he's thinking of. But all I received was gaslighting and manipulating replies from him. I told him that I want to heal first before I develop on things that I am lacking. I want to be selfish even just once and put myself first. I want to heal and feel better before I think of other things. I am too broken to be able to fix myself. I do understand his desperation to help me grow but the way he delivers his words is helping me to go through a relapse. Is it my fault? Is it my fault that I want to heal first? Is it my fault for being miserable? Is it my fault that I refused to obey him? I am not yet ready but he's forcing that there isn't a 'right timing'. Yes, I do agree with that but I don't think that right now is not the perfect time for me to start on working on my attachment issues and such. He couldn't even understand the word stop when I told him that I don't want to hear those words coming from him right now, especially that I am trying to think positively and the topic have been diverted away from the main topic. He told me to change for the 'better' just like him but I don't think that 'better' version of him isn't 'better' at all. I hate him.
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Depression Support / by sinisonmul
Last post
 September 22nd, 2022
...See more I showed a photo of me and my friends to my internet friend last night. I wasn't expect for him to say something about how me or my friends look when I sent it to him. As I was searching for more photos in my gallery, he replied with a compliment towards my best friend. He told me she was beautiful and I am glad he noticed that. However, after a couple of minutes, he replied with "You're a pig." I was shocked. He corrected himself and told me that it as supposed to be 'big' and not 'pig'. Either way, I was insulted and that instantly changed my mood. He isn't just a friend to me and we actually like each other. I was trying to feel better and stay positive and not think of anything negative but what he told me reminded me of how I starved and almost k1lled myself in 8th grade and even until now. I'm desperate to lose weight and hearing that from him made me feel a lot of things. Anger, sadness, embarrassment, name it. I am already insecure than before but he just made me even more insecure of my body. How can he compliment my friends and insult me right after? I am trying not to think about it for me not to relapse but what he said makes me want to hide myself from everyone as I am afraid of what will they say about my body. I never expected those to come from him, especially now that he told me he has feelings for me. I don't know what to feel nor think. I don't want to talk to him anymore. I don't want to talk to anyone nor show myself to them. I don't know what to do.
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looking for sites/orgs that offer free online consultation in the philippines
Depression Support / by sinisonmul
Last post
 September 18th, 2022
...See more I don't want to self-d1agnose. I have posted 3 threads mentioning depress1on and su1c1de. I don't want to self-diagnose as I may only be experiencing severe sadness. I have been suffering from it since 8th grade. During the pandemic, I tried to detach myself from people to keep me sane. In 10th grade, it all came back after my relationship with my family got even worse than ever. The school year just started yet I am experiencing it again. I want to seek professional help that offers free online consultation as my family doesn't believe in depress1on and they basically don't believe that I am struggling. I am worried of myself as it became my coping mechanism to hurt myself such as punch1ng myself, excess1ve sk1n scratch1ng, scratch1ng my scalp and I sometimes dr1nk med1cat1ons even though I am not sick. Whenever I let my emotions take over me, I always think of just k1ll1ng myself but I am afraid of leaving my mom alone since I don't have any siblings. Even at my lowest point, I'm always considering what she would feel but at the same time, I really want to give it all up and just d1e. I need help but all I could do is either open up to my friends or hurt myself when I don't get the chance to talk about it. I am 16 years old and my only source of money is my allowance. I currently don't have money so it would be a very big help if the online consultation is free.
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I'm feeling a bit better
Depression Support / by sinisonmul
Last post
 September 18th, 2022
...See more Yesterday, I was really at my lowest. I've been keeping it all to myself for months but I finally had the courage to open up to one of my closest friends. I've always considered talking to her but she's offline most of the time and I don't know where to find her. Also, I've stated in my last post that I don't want to drain the people around me for sharing my problems to them. Fortunately, I was able to talk to her last night. I never got any bad judgement from her. She just let me let it all out and tried to comfort me afterwards. It honestly was kind of a relief when she told me that it's okay for me to open up. She also told me to put myself first and worry about the others after I fix myself. I have realized so many things. I am feeling a bit better but I am not yet recovered. I have been hurting for so long and recovery will not last over a night. I just had the urge to post this to convince myself to keep going and to also convince the other people who's letting their emotions take over them to fight back to it.
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Depression
Depression Support / by sinisonmul
Last post
 September 17th, 2022
...See more I don't know if I'm depressed or just sad.
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