my depression story..(long)

So as you know, yes, I am only 12 years old. And please don?t judge me on that, I have had a lot of people telling me that I was not supposed to be on the Internet because of my age, and things like that. Yet not a lot of things were said, and I have those words on the tip of my tongue. The problem is, I do not know how to say them. I do not have the right time. So I?ll write instead, and maybe share them. Right here.

My role model is Malala Yousafzai. She is a great person. And I do want to be like her, I am looking towards her. However, I was still confused on how to be like her. I mean, what should I do? I am 6 years old younger, nobody looks at me. I couldn?t stand behind the podium and talk (l mean, when? And on what occasion?). I am currently writing a book about it at the moment, but since I am just 12, it?ll be pretty hard. So again, I am here, writing.

Let me introduce myself for a bit. My name is Joanna. I am 12 years old. And I want to change people?s point of views on everything from the wrong to the right one. When I was 10, I participated in a science race with my bully. I won?t give her real name here, but let?s call her Melanie (this is not her actual name). That was my first step on changing my life, forever.

In that race, we were ought to make invent something, but it has to be science-ish. I wasn?t that good at science, but how, I do not know, I was chosen to participate. Melanie and I were accompanied by two teachers, Mrs. Mona and Mr. Levine (again, these are not their actual names). Unfortunately, those teachers bullied me too.

We ended up inventing this battery from banana peel. Legit, I know, but that was it. We were given a month to prepare and practice until the real science race. During those practices, Melanie kept bullying me.

She liked to take the tasks I was given. For instance, Mrs. Mona told us to do the PowerPoint, and Melanie to open a battery. So I did the PowerPoint, and Melanie took it over. I told her that it was MY job to do the PowerPoint and it is her job to open the battery, but she did not listen. Meanwhile, I can?t open the battery. Only she can do it. But she kept doing the PowerPoint. I offered her help then, but she snapped at me and told me to do the battery.

As I said, I can?t open the battery. Giving up on her, I sat down and waited to be given another task or when Melanie was done on doing my task. Mr. Levine, however, saw me not doing anything. He asked me what am I doing and I told him that Melanie has taken over my task.

He knew that I couldn?t do the battery, but he told me to do it. I complained. He shouted at me. He called me dumb because I can?t open a battery. Look, I found this pretty unfair. I was the one given the task, but Melanie took it. She did not get scowled at and anything. Mr. Levine?now even Mrs. Mona told me to just swap tasks then, even though they do KNOW that Melanie?s the one can open the battery, not me.

Melanie would always get defended. Maybe because she is more confident than me, and she?s smarter, and faster than me. When Mrs. Mona asked me to go to the junior high computer room, I said I do not know where it is. I really don?t know. And then she was angry at me for being, what, passive and all because if I don?t know I should have ask someone like the security/staff. She sent Melanie instead.

I was called slow. I was really hit because Melanie and the teachers bullied me (there are a lot more), so I couldn?t think clearly and concentrate. But they did not know. All they knew was I am slow. Slow and dumb.

This made me more depressed. I lost my ability on cutting bananas peel. When Mr. Levine saw me cutting the peel, he laughed and was like ?Jesus, Joanna. That is how you cut it? You can?t even cut a banana peel?? in front of another teacher.

Okay, see here, they were trying to make me look bad in front of people.

Once, I told my mum about this. Guess what, she defended Melanie too. She said I need to be faster on thinking and acting like her. She said Melanie was confident and wasn?t anti-social like me.

When I was 11, there was a final round of the race. Things didn?t get better.

We had to stay in a hotel where the race also took place. I refused and decided to go home after all the activities. I mean, first of all, I do not want Melanie and the teachers to be around me. I felt insecure and uncomfortable around them. But there were no ways I?m telling them that, especially Melanie.

The first day, I went back home. The second day, Melanie asked me if I am going home again. I said yes. She laughed at me and told me that I am witty and weak and ?mama?s child? IN FRONT OF A STAFF FROM THE MINISTRY OF EDUCATION. She did that, said that in front of a goddamned person from the government.

I was embarrassed, but I still wanted to go home until I was forced to stay in that hotel. Anyways I stayed in the different room.

So the final race took place. I had to cut the banana peel. I did, but it went kinda wrong. Melanie shouted at me and threw the peel I have cut for like 15 minutes across the table, screaming, ?what kind of peel is this! What, you cannot even cut it?? after all it can still be used but she was not satisfied of it blah blah blah.

We lost that race by the way. I was happy that I am finally free. But Melanie blamed me. She said that we lost the race because of me. I obviously did not do anything.

On another trip?it was the trip we were taking our certificate and shiz like that, we were accompanied by a SCHOOL COUNSELOR TEACHER. Let?s call him Mr. Ad (that was not his actual name too). Melanie kept embarrassing me by telling Mr. Ad the tale of ?mama?s child? and how she surprised me in the bathroom. I told her to stop but she did not listen nor Mr. Ad stopped her. She even tried to take photos of me, I said I didn?t want to but again, nobody acted.

It is ridiculous on how people never wanted to defend me because, I suppose, my appearance. Melanie was popular. She is pretty, thin, clever, ??nice?. Teachers like her. Boys have crushes on her. And then there is me. I am fat, and my grades dropped since that race.

Now everybody, including my mum defended her. Nobody looked out for me.

I tried to reach help from my friends. They stopped me from suicide. I attempted once. But they stopped me.

I was only 11, but never mind that, I hurt myself too. I cut a lot at those times?one time I cut deeper than ever, and that was my first attempt. I texted my friends goodbye, and they quickly stopped me.

What I was trying to say here is, bullying needs to stop. I am 12 right now and I am going to junior high, and Melanie?s bullying was still unidentified by the teachers. They did not know that she once made me almost kill myself.

Bullying really needs to stop. Like, whoever you?re, you?re a person. The same goes with that person you bully. Do you know that you?re hurting that person mentally and/or physically? What if you made your bully hate themselves, hurt themselves, or even make them want to die? You called them fat, ugly, dumb, slow, slut, asshole, anything, they listened. Even if you think they don?t, they do. What if they trusted your words? What if they really think they?re worthless WHEN they?re worth it; just like you and me; just like all of us?

Please don?t be a bully. I am a victim already. People who bully tend to be unsatisfied and unhappy of their life. If you do, speak out. Tell someone your feelings. You?whoever you are?you?re strong and you can do this. Speak out. Someone will listen. Someone will care.

If you?re bullied, don?t be afraid to speak. I was afraid to speak, so I didn?t get help. You have to be brave. Tell somebody?parents, friends, teachers, counselors, someone you trust. Tell them your feelings and your problems. People care. They?ll listen.

It?s not your fault. You?re worth it. You matter. You?re beautiful, charming. You really are an important person. Please don?t ever forget that. :)