my personal thoughts on getting myself to a okay place
I don't believe I really have the power to change my situation, sure I have a hand in it but untimely its my environment and people I'm around who help change the situation. Other wise if it were just me I would have done something about this already and I would be happy. I'm tired of having conversation about how I hold the keys to may happiness, don't you think I would have opened the door already. I personally believe they are two ways for me to get out or at least push down my depression. I need to be fulfilled or distracted. I believe being fulfilled is not something you necessary chose but kinda just happens because your environment, the people around and that which you choose pushes you in appositive direction. But being distracted is easy, you chose. It usually doesn't involve to many things, you do drugs, drink or other things. Being fulfilled is hard when you basically fight your self everyday. I need it to stop, I want to stop thinking.
Well today sucks. I have to have a hard conversation with my friend today because she thinks I'm acting weird because I like her. But I've told her years ago of course I love her and she told me we will not be anything more than friends. I don't know how I'm going to have this conversation as it really makes me angry that she created this world for me to live in but now thinks I did it and I'm not being honest about it
It wasn't the bad day I thought it was going to be, we actually talked through our problems. But yeah anyway, I just need a good cry, I'm not sure if I should though , it could lead me to a bad place like always.
Why am I even keeping this stupid promise. What's 17 days , why should they even matter.
I'm doing okay now but I don't know how long that will last. I hope I could look forward to the future but it's really dark waters I'm swimming through
I'm not going to look like a idiot again. I know what I'm supposed to do. They confirmed what I'm meant to do. So I won't be pulled into this mess where I'm meant to account for other peoples sins. No freaking way!!!!!
So much time. 11 . I guess its not that long of a wait. I just need to wait.