numb.
It has officially been two months since Mexico, when I was supposed to be taking a break from the everyday life that was causing me crippling depression. Instead, I ended up spending it accompanying my father to and from the hospital in a foreign place while he received tests and treatments for what would eventually be identified as stage four lung cancer.
It was hard before the quarantine. Now, it is harder. I don't feel anything anymore. I used to feel scared and sad and angry and confused and guilty. It was painful, but at least it was something. I don't feel anything anymore. I can't even cry. Life has lost meaning to me.
All I do is smoke weed (it is legal here) and sleep. It doesn't make me feel better, but I can't bring myself to do anything else. I am not in control.
@gracetogrief
Hi there,
I'm so sorry for this pain that you are enduring right now. This all seems like such a heavy burden for a person to weather. Also to have gotten such devastating news when you were supposed to be on vacation makes it all the more difficult.
By not feeling anything, your mind may possibly be trying a coping mechanism of keeping you in a state of shock, so as to potentially protect you from attempting any risky sort of behaviors towards yourself or others. In its own way, being numb sometimes can be a life saver (quite literally).
However, I can say personally I know all too well what it's like to live feeling numb. I've gotten to points in my own Life where it was the clothing I wore from morning until sleep. Sometimes, I think this is why people self-harm, out of potential curiosity to see if they can actually feel at all by that point.
It might not feel as though you are currently in control of the events in your life, but one thing you are in control of is how your story will lead itself from here on out. Just by sharing a little bit of it with us here makes a difference. You know that your situation does not need to be dealt with alone, if you don't want it to be.
If you'd ever like to chat, please feel free to send me a message (or to any of our ready and willing listeners on 7 cups). We're here for you <3