thoughts

Last year I hit such a low and dark point I thought was impossible to drag myself out of - but I managed to do it. I didnt think it was depression but just a phase. Everyday I'd come back from school and sleep straight away for hours, I didnt care enough to maintain my diet and only ate when I was really hungry, I isolated myself by deleting my social media accounts and not attending fam events, I didnt care to attempt any homework tasks and assessments, I drank at school, I smoked before & after school, I developed an interest for drugs specifically LSD (never tried it just really wanted it), I contemplated my suicide over and over, I regularly self harmed, I gave myself a haircut on impulse, I attempted suicide once, I screamed alot out of nowhere idky and I was just so wreckless..

I got into someone I know's business and found out they were about to confront someone else, I made sure I got involved in this so that if someone started a physical fight I could get involved, and I did. I didnt say anything but I was waiting for someone to throw a first punch so I could jump in, then the first punch was thrown at me! surprised, I immediately retaliated and fought back. The next day this situation was being dealt with and I found out I injured her face, for some reason (knowing I was completey unharmed) later that day I was thinking about what happened and I uncontrollably cried my eyes out after realising I had just caused physical pain upon someone - something I would NEVER do. I felt ashamed and guilty and it just worsened my mental health.

After all these feelings and events I encountered, no one EVER suspected that I had poor mental health and was incapable of understanding and communicating this. Instead, my parents, teachers, extended fams and friends just viewed me as a wreckless teen. Ofcourse though, they wouldve expected me to reach out and seek the help I needed, but what was most misunderstood is that my anxiety created all these scenarios where it would be impossible to be understood and helped. Although I never sought the help I needed and to a smaller extent am still experiencing MH issues, somehow I was able to get OUT of that very low point by going THROUGH it. It was extremely challenging to get better, but was not impossible. There really is hope.