thoughts of what could have been
I have always loved art. I was a doodler in school, drawing on every scrap of paper i could get my hands on, taking as many art classes as i could. I can't say I was particularly talented at it, for all of that, but I was passionate about it anyway.
My mother was a very harsh critic. She always found some sort of flaw in my work, but now that I'm older I think she would simply prefer that I chose hobbies that were more convenient for her. Despite the harsh critiques, i was able to continue, though i would share my art less and less. What i was doing was for me, after all. Because I enjoyed it.
Around the time i was graduating high school, things with my mom were getting bad. She had mostly reverted to treating me as a subhuman, a person who's function was to tend to her needs and obey her. I had a lot of things going on in my life secretly, one of which was my art. One day, we got into an argument, and she locked herself in my room for hours. I left the house, not knowing what to do, and full of anxious energy. I asked a friend to pick me up, and i went to her house. Then my mom started sending pictures of all of my stuff ripped up in piles on the floor. my clothes, my cd and dvd collection, my art. She had destroyed everything i had and was proud of it.
I haven't been the same since. I struggle to create things. I can't commit to a work for a long period of time, i can't get lost in it like i used to. but when i see other artists thriving, having a career doing the thing that they love, i get jealous. i feel incomplete. I feel like something vital has been taken from me. I have cycles of thoughts that scream " if that hadn't have happened, where would I be right now?"
I am not in that situation anymore. I have lived on my own for over 15 years, and still it gives me trouble. i have little surges here and there where I can do more. but i always feel like i am playing catch up, like i have pittance to offer and that I have to aggressively improve or it won't be worth it. i feel like i have to "keep up," which translates to high productivity. And i am never satisfied with any of my work, and i get discouraged very easily.
i have thought about the problem, almost constantly. As if by thinking about it, i could solve it. I have tried changing my thoughts about the situation, i have tried going back to basics, doing studies, finding people that I admire to learn from their work. i have taken breaks and come back to it later. I have tried doing challenges, i have tried the "draw one thing a day" only to fail miserably at it as my adult life ( the one that pays rent) gets in the way. I have gotten new equipment, i have changed my location, i have tried different types of art. i have sat in front of a blank page and doodled nonsense for hours. I have used references. I have traced stock photos. I have drawn things just from memory.
Most of those things are just "how to learn the skill." my problem lies deeper than that. I cannot take back what happened. I cannot get grace or clarity or closure from my abuser.
I just always feel stuck. I feel broken. I feel like everything is an uphill battle and the place i should be is so far ahead of where I currently am that I will never get there. I feel like i'm letting people down every time i take a commission. I am always bracing for people to not like my work. This doesn't feel normal.
I need a way to fix this.
@affableStrings4654 hey I'm truly sorry to hear what you're going through. What happened to you wasn't fair, you did not deserve it. Perhaps your suffering will lead to a truly tremendous piece of art one day. Just mean to say, don't give up. I'm a struggling writer and I was threatened by a parent not to write. It smashed my desire quite a bit but I don't believe it's the end of my journey. I might have to walk this road solo but I'm committed to my passion. Please don't waste your talents just because someone couldn't appreciate them. We have all been blessed with gifts to utilise. With positive self talk, hard work, community support, you could ace your dreams. I'm glad you've shared your problems on this forum and hope you'll find support to continue with your dreams. Channelize all that pain into massive passion and you'll both be healed and be an artist of your liking. I hope my words give you a lift.
@Creamyyy
Thank you! it's been hard, but I keep on trudging. I have to get somewhere eventually, right? I'm trying to be less cognizant about the timeframe, and just try to have fun with it. I am very hard on myself and it's something i really want to work on.
@affableStrings4654 having fun with it is the best part. I can relate to being hard on oneself. We could appreciate ourselves more instead.
That sounds so, so difficult. It really does sound like you are trying hard to find a path through what is really trauma.
I would agree with the advice don't give up. You can find a better path.
A few minor suggestions, but you have probably tried many of them. I would really focus for a while on completely different ways of seeing and knowing. Try writing poetry, listening to music, walking in nature, perhaps doing some bird watching with an app, doing jigsaw puzzles. These involve creativity in different forms because it is obvious that you need that. They are also much lower stakes. Keep at them for a while because they won't click day one.
Then slowly increase the move back towards regular art with something different - photography, print making, needle craft, sculpture - something that is outside the box. Give yourself lots of room to fail and be uncomfortable a bit. Hopefully those memories will fade the longer that you try.
Know you can do this. The only winner here will be you. Not your mother or the damage that she caused. You will become a better and richer artist in ways you haven't imagined yet. @affableStrings4654
@bestVase7265
thank you. I will try.
We are here to cheer you on. @affableStrings4654
@affableStrings4654
Hey,
first of all, im sorry that this happened to you. Espacially parents play a huge role when it comes to support you in your life, passions and visions. I think we are all on the same page, that this behaviour is disrespectful to a very deep level.
I am an artist too, i have done my degree and also work in this field now. And one thing i totaly feel you with is the jealous Part. And let me tell you, it doesnt matter how successful you get with your art, you will always have that feeling that someone does it better, faster, more perfect. But thats never been true! Art is art by it being your work, your thoughts, your handwriting. Comparing never made sense, but i know we all do it, myself included. But you dont create your art for them right? You do it for yourself, so you are your only judge. Nothing in this whole world is liked by everyone. Nothing! So dont try to fit the impossible, that will only shrink your possibilities to grow your own way.
To start letting yourself be creative again after such a huge Blockade is difficult. Im very glad to hear that you try your best tho! I can only try to give you advice here from my own experience. Doodleing for the sake of itself is a good start. Dont push yourself to create something "worthy of the time it took". Create without any expectance of what it will be. And maybe dont even try to do it to learn something, draw an ugly shaped circle while watching your favorite show, for example. It doesnt matter if you like the circle, but understand, that doing what you do, is still creating. Its the little things where it starts, youre not an artist the moment you have an exhibition, but the moment where you start creating.
You also can make the blockade the method itself. Maybe get some canvas, break them, and then start to paint them.
She may tore your work apart, but defenetly not the artistic spirit inside of you.
@Teresadude
I have to add to this, about being jealous of others careers:
Many succsessful people just had luck and the money. This is getting boring as an arguement, but its sadly still true. Mental health struggles are also playing a huge part, for example i have social anxiety, so "networking" is a big mountain to climb for me, tho its one of the most important parts to get successful in many fields.
So comparing your career to others is comparing how good a cat can fly next to a pigeon.
I love the cat flying next to the pigeon metaphor.@Teresadude
@Teresadude
This is so true though. Some people get a head start, know the right people, or have the capital to support them early on. Some people don't have to go through traumatic things.
Idk I keep feeling like i'm being left behind, but it's getting to the point where i am realizing how much extra time i am wasting feeling that way. I know i just have to chase the joy.
I'm not quite there yet, but i'm trying.
Yes, it is true, but the cat also doesn't have to chase the pigeon. It can also find its own cruising speed.
You don't have to be anybody but you. Worrying about who got a head start or how to catch up just puts you further behind.
You are already doing great things just by trying. @affableStrings4654
How are things going now?@affableStrings4654
@bestVase7265
I've had some ups and downs. Work got heavy again, I went on a disastrous vacation, and then i got surgery, so a lot of things getting in the way of my art. I'm starting to believe that i have to set up systems to try and get myself back in the right mindset after events like these. Especially because i find that it takes a while to get into it once my concentration is broken. Kind of like waves. I'm hoping that the more i do it, the stronger the muscle will get and i'll be able to switch tasks easily. But for now, it's still a bit of a struggle.
I totally get the wave feel. Sometimes it is more like being on a roller coaster. Things do come and knock us off balance. Admitting that they do isn't some kind of failure. When we don't beat ourselves up, then we get up and try again faster.
Sorry about the rough vacation and surgery. You will find your way back to your art. Just give yourself time. @affableStrings4654
@affableStrings4654
Hi fellow struggling artist here
It sounds incredibly frustrating to have so many harsh thoughts about something you used to enjoy and want to get back into and can't enjoy anymore. I also really struggle w completing the at challenges like inktober and such. Idk if this might help but it helped me to think about before starting something like that to say to myself " it's ok if we don't finish, it's ok if we only do one drawing for the whole month challenge, it's one drawing more than we would have done before" idk I think it makes it more ok not to get through it and relieves some of the pressure. I participated in the challenge of drawing 100 faces (of a certain time) and I drew exactly 1 but that mindset helped me be ok w it.
Another thing that I keep going back to is focusing on one small thing and practicing that thing. For me it's hands, sketching then from all different angles and poorly and overlapping and the same angle again and again. It makes it easier to see improvement and it's helped me gain confidence.
I hope this helps and it's also ok if it doesn't. Different things work for different people. I am here though to support you and you have value as an artist.
i think about this a lot
@Mashedpotato364
I really like this. Very simple way to say that it's not always the most skilled rendering that counts the most. Trying to let myself enjoy my style and the process.
What a great response to life. @affableStrings4654
@affableStrings4654 As someone else here said, this sounds like trauma. If you haven't seen a therapist about this by now, you really should. I don't know how the ones on this site are because I've never hired one here.
You're not talking to your mother anymore, I hope. She sounds like a narcissist with an incurable envy of those who are more creative than her. It would explain her demands for you to do things that she liked as opposed to things that give you fulfilment. That is not a creature I would want in my life.
Just for perspective, I am a lifelong artist myself with the saved sketches to prove it...I also do a little woodworking. I haven't gotten any commissions lately. If you have then I'm happy for ya! You're certainly doing better than I am these days 😂 ...but seriously, if you can get a commission then don't undercharge. That is one of the most frequent mistakes working artists make.