what is life like when you aren't always in a war with your own self?
I always thought at some point in my life I would finally start to do better, but as I reflect and look back, it's like one long arrow that progressively keeps pointing downward.
I had a moment a couple days ago where I was just minding my business, going back home. I think I was on a call with someone. Then, out of nowhere, it was like a huge wave of icy water splashed onto my face, and I had a very enlightening moment. Kind of like an epiphany you'd say.
Just to not make this post extremely long, I basically went to an event that day and I didn't realize until that moment just how much I had been triggered. But not in a harmful way, it just made me look back on my recent moments in life, it made me aware of some realizations I kept turning away from, and it was a very, very painful realization. I cried the entire night that day. And I haven't felt the same since then.
I've always had problems with my mental health, symptoms of depression, anxiety, just a whole lot. And having had this very visceral experience, it made me even more regretful of almost everything. I'm hurting so badly with feeling insecure and sad over all the potential and time I wasted. Even with all the disruptions life threw my way, I just can't believe I missed out on so much, all my life, it seems. It's like I could never keep up with everyone else. I don't think I've done anything the right way. I've always been like a sponge; I absorb everyone around me, whatever energy is closest to me, but it never lasts. It all gets squeezed out of me like water out of a sponge, and then I'm just left completely empty. Just until the cycle repeats. I think I've somehow cursed myself. There is so much in this world that is cold and it makes me wish I could've existed as another living thing, like as a tree or a rock. But I know there is so much that is good out there, so much that is warm and full of joy, that it makes me want to keep going to see the other side. I just thought that would've happened a whole lot sooner. It now feels almost impossible.
Any comforting or supportive words would be greatly appreciated. If you've experienced something like this, and have a story of recovery, or if you can just relate, please feel free to share. Anything helps.
@peaceandblessings
You wrote that it feels like your life is an arrow pointing downwards. You're only saying that because you're going through a hard time right now. But that's not true, otherwise you wouldn't be on 7Cups searching for answers. So give yourself credit for the progress you have made. Self awareness is a good first step but it will take more than that to find stability. Build a support system, get professional help, maybe try medications if that's what makes sense for you. And none of those things are easy but they are the difference between happily ever after and the alternative. Living with mental health obstacles is extremely difficult work. But it's absolutely possible to live a life where you are not at war with yourself. I've had very small and rare episodes of "being normal" (whatever that is) and I can tell you that even though that may only be 1% of the time, it's worth it to struggle the other 99% of the time to know that if I succeed, that's what's waiting for me. If you put in the work, you will get there. Don't doubt your potential and know that you are not alone. <3
@peaceandblessings
you are very brave for writing this to us all and I admire that in you
the world is a confusing place to many of us. It’s ugly and beautiful and makes no sense and yet is profound every minute of every day.
The older I get the weight of time just increases.
My advice? Prioritize you. And you can’t go it alone. Whatever that means to you.
If you can get therapy or a psychiatrist, accept that help. If you need to walk, walk. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to read philosophy books or talk to your auntie, do it.
The world is complex and time waits for no one yet it is your wold, your life, your time. Every second is just for you.
Your terribly sleepless friend,
the turtle
Hello,
I had a very similar realization about 1 week ago. What resonated the most with me about what you wrote was the part where you said you feel that so much time was wasted.
No time was wasted. The “epiphany” that you didn’t do anything right or that time was wasted is most probably not true.
You are who you are because of the adversity that you had to endure. I struggled with depression for over a decade. And the thought that hit me a week ago made me cry as well. But no, it is not true. We only see things in that light when we compare ourselves to others. And the only person you should compare yourself to is who you were yesterday. I have learned so much and I have grown. I’m sure the same applies to you. I’m proud of myself. And I’m very grateful. I wake up everyday a better person.
Don’t get me wrong, I was a mess after my “realization”. But when the dust settled, I realized that it is nonsense.
Remind yourself of how much you have overcome. And selectively recall everything good in your life. Surround yourself by people who love you. Treat yourself well. These thoughts creep up on you from time to time. By time, we will learn to ignore and filter them out.
And finally, if there is something that you feel you should do better, it is really never too late, (as cliche as it sounds).
You express yourself so well, and I commend you for being this sincere and honest. It tells a lot of beautiful things about you, even if you don’t see them.
I hope you understand where I’m coming from with this reply.
All the love!
That up and down feeling can be really hard. You are actually aiming in a good direction though. Each time that you slip down is equally painful, but for me, I know that I am healing because I get up a little faster. I have learned stuff about myself that has made me stronger. My depression makes me more compassionate and ultimately a better person too because the happiness doesn't come easily. But it does come.
You are going to find a way out of this wave. What kinds of things are you doing to help yourself?@peaceandblessings
