Confession(s)

Hello everyone,

Well, i'm in thearpy and have been for 3 years now, almost 4 and I havent told anyone about my thoughs of suicide, eventhough thoes thoughts were mainly a long time ago, they still pop up now and then, I havent told them about my struggles to figureout my sexuality either. My mom thinks im getting better, but i'm really not, I'm so lonley, yes I have friends, but thats not the kind of lonliensss I have, I want a partner, I got out of an abusive relationship a few months ago, though I never told anyone he was abusive, and I did things with him, things im not proud of and I hate myself for it. It makes me scared to get into a relationship, but I want one so badly, thats all I want, someone to call mine.

I'm currently on summer holiyday from school and this is when my depression gets worse, and i' m having a horrible time with it now, and I havent seen anyone other than my parents and family in weeks. I've stopped going to the gym, i cant even eat or shower without being forced to anymore, the only thing I do is lay on my bed or the couch and watch netflix and crochet, I just dont want to do anything and its killing me.

In college I want to study to be and Educational Psycologist, but i'm worried that becuase of my mental health I cannot be what I want to be and that makes me even more depressed, I guess I love psycology because it makes me understand what is wrong with me and how to fix it, but I cant follow my own advice.

I need to get my a** moving and kick the depression monster in the a** thats the only way I will get better, I want to but I feel like I cant.

Thanks for listening, much love