I have no one
I've been depressed since childhood and as a result I'm way too behind than people of my age in everything. General knowledge and skills, intuition, sense I'm bad at everything. I don't know way back home I don't know what color the person who was with me for whole day was wearing. I have mood swings and crying spells which have made me a failure at studies. And I have no friends. And its hard to take more of it. I really want a genuine connection. I don't want going for shopping together and buying fancy foods, celebrating birthdays. All of that is good but too good to wish for. But I just want someone who can hug me when I'm crying. Someone I can call when I wanna give up. My parents are lovely but they end up saying very harsh things sometimes. About me being a burden and how im crippling them. To add more to shit I have got severe tremors. All the time. It has ended any chance of my social interaction. Im always shivering sometimes I can't walk. I avoid speaking cuz my voice just stops midway and mouth gets too dry to talk. And I have so much to say. Its all weighing over my shoulders. Another messed up thing is I'm asexual. Which makes me feel inferior and alienated. I find it hard to relate to others. Sexual stuff makes me uncomfortable. Just the fact that someone might look at me with such eyes makes it hard to walk outside the home. Going to university is so hard. I always embarass myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. And even though I yearn so badly for a connection I know I can't marry anyone cuz its like taking away their basic rights. Rights for sex. Rights for living a happy life without bearing a patient 24/7. But then I'm way too lonely. Its killing me and thinking that I'll never have family and all makes me wanna give up. I don't wanna be selfish and whenever i try to even imagine getting close to someone i stop myself saying no. You're not normal. That's purely selfish. You need to protect others from yourself. I don't know if saying all this here will help but in case you read it, thank you!
@warmheartedSpruce6212
I really don't have a clue as to how difficult your life must be, but reading your post I hope you know that you will find meaningful connection in your life. You will find people who relate and have experienced what you do. There are always others who have or are going through what you are, you're not alone. Often times we think we're alone and we just haven't met the right people yet. Have hope and know you have been heard.
@risingsun008 Thanks for sharing your thoughts with this member.
Thanks for trying to help.
Depression causes memory loss my love! It's not your fault at all. I sense that you feel a lot of shame surrounding both your struggles with depression and sexuality. There's nothing wrong with being asexual, have you tried finding a forum or online platform for that? I suggest online because you mentioned having difficulty when talking. Which is also just some social anxiety, and honestly practicing helps. It's super hard because you just have to force yourself to go out there and talk to whomever about whatever and heck with what they think because you're just practicing. But I know it's really really hard. Also platonic relationships are just as valuable as romantic ones.
You're perfectly normal, maybe you have a harder time than a lot of people but you are still valuable and valid just as you are. I wish I could give you a hug, you sound like you're in a lot of pain. Have you ever read any Brene Brown? Or seen her Ted talks? She studies shame and I think she might be helpful, even if you can't relate to everything in her books/talks.
And lastly, you said you have to protect people from you, but isn't that their choice to make? By making that choice for them without their knowledge or consent you are taking a different right from them. The right to know you and see how much you have to offer! By keeping everyone at a distance you are denying both yourself and your new tribe. Rejection is painful and scary, but you gotta risk it to find your tribe. Not easy, I know. I struggle too, but I really think you can do it. And I believe that you are worth it.
@SailorSeahorse Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks for trying to help this member.
@warmheartedSpruce6212 Thanks for sharing your story, with us.
I hope things get better for you.
If you need support, please reach out to a 7cups listener.
They might be able to help you and offer some tips.