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warmheartedSpruce6212
1 731 M Little Steps
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts56 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes15 Current upvotes15 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceApril 20, 2022
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Abandoned yet again
Depression Support / by warmheartedSpruce6212
Last post
 April 25th, 2022
...See more Once again I'm having a breakdown on losing another friend. People just get numb to your pain so fast. I remember being asked HOW ARE YOU, HOW WAS YOUR DAY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? but it didn't last more than just a few months. Someone's pain is an entertainment to someone else, a free chance to be good of a human, but when it gets boring you leave. Its not the first or second time. This always happens. I know no right person will come. All are humans. Its not their fault. Anything that's repeated loses interest. I should learn to live alone. I don't even have any other friends. No one to talk to. I don't know how do I stop myself from yearning for connection and support. This desire has cost me so many tears. Over the course of years I have lost everyone i opened up to. They all sympathized in start, fascinated by my sad story but then in a while it was too draining to deal with a sad person. They want people they can have fun with, hang out with, not someone who can't manage getting out of bed. I can't even blame anyone. Once again I'm left feeling as worthless as a stinky piece of shit everyone wants to avoid. Looking at people around me triggers my depression. Being normal is such a luxury that some can't afford but those who do don't value it. I'm so tired. Once again treated like trash. Every time this happens i take months to even manage to talk to someone let alone open up. But when i open up this happens again. I'm really scared of hope. I hope I never hope for such connect again. Friends and all, i should just forget it. I hope i don't hope again. It just hurts.
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I have no friends
Relationship Stress / by warmheartedSpruce6212
Last post
 May 3rd, 2022
...See more I've been depressed since childhood, and after growing up I have realized I'm too abnormal and different from others. Its hard to catch up in every aspect. Another thing that added to it is me being asexual. It makes me feel so fucking inferior and triggers my depression and anxiety. Sex and sexuality grosses me out. Thinking or talking about it traumatizes me. The fact that someone might look at me with lust has scared me to the point I don't wanna get out of home. I'm finding it so hard to cope up with no sexuality. I could just not get married though I can not avoid people from looking at me like that. Its inevitable. But the bigger issue is that I'm really lonely and if i spend life without family I might do something reckless. My parents can't stay with me forever and my siblings have their own lives. It's really bad to let me live alone plus because of having no knowledge of world and being behind everyone I just can not manage living on my own. And i need family, emotional support. But I already think if i marry someone its selfish cuz im an unhappy person. And now this asexuality. If i marry someone I'll take his basic rights away. And that's selfish af. I should mentally prepare myself in case i attempt suicide or do something of that sort. The last thing i wanna do is ruin someones life. My life is already ruined. I'll just have to live in this ruin until either i naturally die. I just wanted to share it here. No need to try to make me feel better. Take care
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I have no one
Depression Support / by warmheartedSpruce6212
Last post
 August 8th, 2022
...See more I've been depressed since childhood and as a result I'm way too behind than people of my age in everything. General knowledge and skills, intuition, sense I'm bad at everything. I don't know way back home I don't know what color the person who was with me for whole day was wearing. I have mood swings and crying spells which have made me a failure at studies. And I have no friends. And its hard to take more of it. I really want a genuine connection. I don't want going for shopping together and buying fancy foods, celebrating birthdays. All of that is good but too good to wish for. But I just want someone who can hug me when I'm crying. Someone I can call when I wanna give up. My parents are lovely but they end up saying very harsh things sometimes. About me being a burden and how im crippling them. To add more to shit I have got severe tremors. All the time. It has ended any chance of my social interaction. Im always shivering sometimes I can't walk. I avoid speaking cuz my voice just stops midway and mouth gets too dry to talk. And I have so much to say. Its all weighing over my shoulders. Another messed up thing is I'm asexual. Which makes me feel inferior and alienated. I find it hard to relate to others. Sexual stuff makes me uncomfortable. Just the fact that someone might look at me with such eyes makes it hard to walk outside the home. Going to university is so hard. I always embarass myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. And even though I yearn so badly for a connection I know I can't marry anyone cuz its like taking away their basic rights. Rights for sex. Rights for living a happy life without bearing a patient 24/7. But then I'm way too lonely. Its killing me and thinking that I'll never have family and all makes me wanna give up. I don't wanna be selfish and whenever i try to even imagine getting close to someone i stop myself saying no. You're not normal. That's purely selfish. You need to protect others from yourself. I don't know if saying all this here will help but in case you read it, thank you!
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