I'm out
How are you? I hope you’re doing well, and I hope each of you has someone you can honestly tell when you’re having bad days — someone who can simply sit beside you without judging you or forcing you to be okay every single day.
It has been one year since you helped me, simply by being there — without judgment and without trying to fix me. With your help, I found motivation and faith that everything would somehow be okay.
And now I’m here with you again, and I don’t even know exactly why. Maybe just because I need to tell someone that, honestly, I am not okay.
I no longer see a way out of the situation I’m in. I have reached a point in my life where, because of my kindness, I don’t even have enough to eat. The only person I was sure would never betray me manipulated me the whole time because of money, took everything, and then left.
I don’t know if it’s normal that what hurts me more is the fact that someone betrayed me so deeply, rather than the fact that I may end up without a roof over my head.
No one wants to help because they say it’s my own fault for being naive. But I know that my naivety came from love.
And at the same time, I am somehow grateful, because for the first time in my life I have realized that maybe they are partly right — maybe the reason I have spent my whole life giving everything to the people and animals around me is not only because I have a good heart. Maybe part of it comes from a wounded heart.
Since I was little, I was never allowed to have a bad day. From a young age, I had to take care of myself and my parents, and somewhere deep inside I developed the feeling that I am never enough. That I don’t deserve anything for myself. That I have to give everything I have in order to be worthy — while at the same time never allowing myself to accept anything from anyone, because I feel like I don’t deserve it, because somehow everything is my fault.
I don’t even know if what I’m writing makes sense.
I hope there are some of you with the same wound as mine, and I hope you have managed to heal it and take care of yourselves without feeling guilty.
I am proud of all of you who, with any kind of wound, survive another day and do not give up.
I believe in you, and I know you believe in me too.
But I can’t do this alone anymore. I don’t have the energy for everything. Every day has become too heavy for me to keep pretending that I’m okay.
@AK2025
@AK2025
I am sorry you are going through this tough time :/ What do you mean you are out?
Do you need help? I dont have much right now, but I could send you at least a few bucks to buy something to eat if you want to.
And besides that, I know what you mean... like sometimes we think we are good... like... me myself... I was always seen as a good guy etc... but the reason for that really was... cowardice... and I was finding my value through people´s acceptance and whatever.
And yes, like doing good in this world... you will suffer. Doing the right thing... and you will be treated badly and unfairly. This world lies in the darkness... it doesnt like the light. I look at Jesus´s life and like he was doing only good, he was total selfless, real pure only love there is and he came to their own people... and they crucified him. He had his close friends... and they betrayed him and denied him. And he all knew it... and he did it anyway... he loved the people that he knew they were going to kill him. I mean, I want to be like that. That is love.
@Amazinggracethatsavedawretchlikeme
I want to add... you dont have anyone in your life? To carry that burden u have, the pain u go through with you? Because being alone is really hard.
@Amazinggracethatsavedawretchlikeme
Thank you for your message and for making me feel like someone truly cares. I don’t want money because I know I’m responsible for the situation, but I respect it and I’m grateful.
How are you? I hope you’re having a good day.
@AK2025
It is not like I would be giving you million dollars... just for today´s meal. Besides... I don´t get what I deserve, God gave me the best... when I deserved the worst. When I earned justice... I received mercy and grace.
Serious. I can do it.
Well... not really good, but if the world doesnt end tomorrow... new beginning, new chance... and I have to get better because I cant keep going like I am going, u know?
And people care... they do. But we cannot rely on people, u know?
@Amazinggracethatsavedawretchlikeme
I believe that you manage to be at least 1% better than you were yesterday every single day, and that you will achieve everything you set your mind to.
And even if today isn’t your best day, allow yourself to rest and disconnect. Take a walk in nature and put a smile on your face.
You got this.
And thank you for every word.
@AK2025
You know, you are right. And I say many things to people here and share that I believe to be true and giving advice but... a lot of times it is advice and words that I believe to be true but dont listen to it myself. I am giving advice to someone, I believe it, but what about giving advice to myself and actually live by it?
You know?
Do you believe those words? You are shifting the attention from yourself to me, dont know what u struggling with but these words you told me... maybe you should listen to them, (if you dont) we both.
I also thank you. And please, dont beat urself up
@AK2025 Your message resonates a lot. I imagine your distress.
However, it might sound crazy but I am happy for you. If what you wrote is what I think you wrote… it sounds like you realized the feeling unworthy was your compass and it sounds like you broke out of this spell. Yes, you deserved better! Yes, you did deserve better! Yes, you did!
Life tends to be cruel when we don’t stand up for ourselves enough. What I hear in your message is the breakthrough realization that I believe is life changing. You are still at this very bottom that hurts like *** and comes with this terrible financial situation. But if you walk out of this realizing you deserve to be respected, loved and cared for just because who you are , then I hope you will rebuild stronger and more free. I feel I am already seeing the difference in my life in several months after my crisis.
Please, start by not saying you deserve to be punished now. The purpose of punishment is learning. It sounds like you have learned enough. Try to internalize it well. Please, let yourself accept the care that is offered. You deserve to be cared about too. Letting someone do something for you is important. Some people need help. Other people need to contribute it. And everyone needs to find themselves on both ends at different times. My recent theory is that 90+% people will take advantage of others given a chance. But there are people who will try to help. You would not take advantage. Allow your people to show up for you.
@pinkCherry1616 I’m sorry that I don’t have the energy for a longer message right now, but I still wanted to at least thank you.
@pinkCherry1616 I’m sorry that I don’t have the energy for a longer message right now, but I still wanted to at least thank you.
@pinkCherry1616
I’m sorry that I don’t have the energy for a longer message right now, but I still wanted to at least thank you.
I don’t know exactly which of your words gave me a little bit of strength — maybe it was all of them together. Thank you for your support, for accepting me, and for giving me the feeling that even though I currently have no solution for how to survive financially from day to day, there is still hope that I can survive this and heal a wound I didn’t even know I had — the belief that I don’t deserve better.
I hope you are okay too, and that you have people around you who are worthy of you, because your heart is truly big.
Thank you.