I must be a freak

I think I may need to cry a little bit or something, let this all out. I wish I knew what was happening. It's so bizarre and I think not too many people deal with this. Trust me when I say I'm not a weirdo.. I don't live my life to make people uncomfortable, but no matter how much I try.. people take one look a me, 30 seconds and instantly judge me.. get uncomfortable.

I've always been creative, fashion, dressing up has always been me. It's not like I wear the craziest loudest outfits but even when I do its like people love to scroll online, and like videos and comment on people they've never met. But in person, its a different ball game and it almost feels like people get offended when you're yourself. Or are at least are trying to be. They love to support you, just as long as it doesn't out shine them. Or as long as its socially acceptable to them and within the aesthetics they don't find threatening. I think it causes them to make assumptions about who you are as a person. Especially other girls. So maybe I get it I mean I do but is it really that serious? I try to be accepting of everyone but its never returned.. partly because I know how lonely it is to be an outcast.

What am I doing so wrong that requires people to be so scared of me? So mean, so dismissive and avoidant, offended. I mean no one any harm. I cant even look in a direction, or walk down a sidewalk without people immediately pulling out their phones or even sometimes crossing the street and walking the other direction. I must be a freak. It hurts. I know I'm not always the most pleasant. As a girl, I am a bit of a tomboy, at least on certain days but why cant I be? Why do people automatically think the worst of me? I know it doesn't help that I may be depressed and it gets hard for me to smile and be upbeat but its 2025 and life is a roller coaster, who is happy all the time anyway? I'm a big softie and I love to love people, they just don't want to love me. They never give me a chance.. and are always so quick to write me off. I know I don't have the most cheery face but how can I? .. even when I try to smile, people immediately look away from me.. I have no where I can be myself. At least not fully. I try to water myself down so I don't cause anymore disruption but, even when i'm in a hoodie and sweatpants, it still seems like I'm too much and some gets upset just by my presence.

Nobody wants to talk to me or get to know me. What's funny is that I find the same people avoiding me, looking at me when I turn back around. Not all the time, but sometimes I literally catch them I guess they didn't expect me to turn back around. I'm so tired of this, what am I doing wrong? Not to mention the fact I've always been different, ADHD, neurodivergent, I'm not sure, no diagnosis but I have always marched to the beat of my own drum but lately being on campus, I've bee trying so hard to contain my energy, to "mask" as they call it. Why cant I be free? Why can everyone else be themselves but not me? Why am I such a weirdo? Am I really that different? Off putting maybe? I

must be a freak ;((((((( but I promise I'm not trying to be, I hate this.