Is there anyone else who never had a romantic relationship?
Hi all!
I would like to know if there is anyone else who never had any romantic relationship. And I literally mean never ever, i.e. including the adolescence/ teenage years (i.e. never had a girlfriend/ boyfriend). And I'm referring to the situation where you want to have a relationship, but you had no success so far. I hope this makes sense.
BTW, I'm not a native English speaker, so I apologize if at times my English is poor.
You can reply just by clicking the heart or a quick "me too" message, I'm grateful for any kind of reply from people with similar experiences, whenever that may be!
I would just need to know if there are any other people going through something like this. I hope that by hearing from other people, if any, this will make me feel somewhat less alone. Because to be honest, I feel that I'm really the only one being stuck in such a situation. Among the few acquaintances of mine, I know no one in such situation.
Deep inside I feel that this situation kills me slowly but steadily as each day passes by. 😞 I can't imagine living my entire life like this i.e. alone.
Very briefly about myself:
I'm male, now in my thirties. But gender and age don't matter so much in this topic. It's mostly about the feeling that you'll never be able to find love (i.e. a partner).
About 6 years ago I started using online dating apps (e.g. ***). Yes, indeed, I wasted quite a couple of years in my life, where I did not have any attempt whatsoever at dating (you will understand better shortly). So going back to the online dating, in short, there were maybe 2 women who might have been interested in me, but unfortunately meeting them in person was not an option for me (they were very far from me i.e. in a different country).
I'm a very shy and sensitive person. Actually, most likely in time I have developed a social anxiety for some specific situations, especially situations where I'm required or expected to talk. I had a stutter since childhood, so that speech impediment is one important reason for my avoidance of, and the awkwardness that I feel in, many social contexts.
Another, and in my opinion the most important, reason for why I'm not capable of establishing meaningful connections with other people is the fact that (I'm 99% sure that) I have 'Emotional deprivation disorder'/ 'Childhood emotional neglect'. The gist of it is that I haven't developed into an emotionally mature adult. Also it's difficult for me to identify and express my emotions.
I also have a few other issues with regard to my physical appearance.
So given all these conditions, my self-esteem is basically (almost) non-existent.
Thank you to anyone who had taken the time to read this!
P.S.: If you know any other threads dealing with this topic (lack of romantic relationships) kindly let me know.
@Al3xand3r
I just read your post, ive not even been in that situation, in fact i have 3 children
what i have been through is 2 very unsuccessful marriages and trusting and being heart broken .. that is not pretty at all... i wish i had waited longer and met the right one instead of what my fears made me feel like i was safe with
i used to think of my self very poorly.. i used to be very analitical and talked about myself as a pile of issues instead of coming up first with what i like about myself .. now im devoted to that.. i realized everything could have been different if i had seen myself through a different glass.. i hope you get what i mean..
anyway, english is not my 1st language either so it might be a bit hard for me to show you my point
time is a great gift.. what we do with it is a true gift.. we should not be the one to see ourselves and show ourselves from a very critical point of view, on the contrary we should be nicer to ourselves as much and more than what we are towards other people... i hurried in life and made bad decitions,, very bad ones whose consequences are on the ones i love the most, my children
i wish i had done things differently.. i wish i had waited or had used my time better..
i send you a big hug from very down south of the world
Miss P
@francia41
Thanks so much for your reply!
Indeed, I totally understand what you said with regard to thinking very low about yourself. Because even though I try to accept myself (i.e. with all my issues), or at least I really like to believe that, deep inside most likely I'm not truly accepting of myself. And I feel that I'm far from being able to truly love myself. They say that if one doesn't love himself, then other people surely won't, or can't, do this. It took me a while to understand that this makes sense (although, to be honest, I probably still haven't fully grasped it).
Also what you said about the right moment/time to enter a relationship is of course true. I mean, I'm aware that i'm not well prepared for a romantic relationship, because of the fact that i'm not emotionally mature. And that is required for a relationship to work out.
The hardest part for me is that, although I'm trying, with small steps, to become a better and more emotionally mature person, I feel that I don't see improvements on myself and my situation (i.e. no success in dating so far). Probably I need to put more effort and time, I don't know. 🤷♂️😞
Once again, thanks for reaching out to me, it means a lot , really! 🙏
Alex
I have been in somewhat of your position and I came out the other side. I didn't have my first date (of any kind) until around age 25. We are both a bit shy. On that first date, I met my future husband who was 10 years older and had had very few dates himself. We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary this year and have 3 kids.
So keep reminding yourself that anything is possible. Keep trying to get out into the real world rather than doing stuff online. Focus on meeting people through the things that you like to do in terms of hobbies. Watch out for new people at work.
You can do this. You never know when someone might pop into your life. @Al3xand3r
@bestVase7265
Thanks so much for your encouraging words! And congratulations for your anniversary! I wish you many happy anniversaries ahead!
Indeed, I should try to find some leisure activities / hobbies, and go out in the real world, try to socialise with as many people as possible, of course etc. Until now I didn't manage to do this, about the only times when I go out (by myself) are the occasional music concert or stuff like that. Socialising is pretty hard for me, basically non-existent with women, in real world that is. Mostly because of my stutter, and my very low self esteem; also I'm not a very good looking guy.
I hope maybe to meet someone who is much like myself i.e. a shy, sensitive person.
I try to carry on and not give up faith and hope. But I have moments when I hurt so much inside; just to give one example: when I'm on the street and I pass by young couples, or teenage lovers, it hurts me so much; knowing that I never had that, but mostly because of the feeling that I will never get that.
But as I said, I try, every day, to carry on.. 🙏
First of all, I bet that you are much better looking than you think. There is no one set perfect person anyway. The world is blessed to have you in it.
I can imagine how much it hurts to see couples, but there are also plenty of singles too.
Let us start to see if we can come up with a plan to get you out in the world more. Think about it that way as often as you can rather than "I have to find a partner." Go to concerts more often if you can because the more that you are in public, the less shy you will become. You can also just go on general walks. It is hard, but doable.
What kinds of regular things do you like to do now?@Al3xand3r
@bestVase7265
Thanks so much for your support, in trying to make me a better person!
I don't do many activities in my spare time.
Most of that time is spent at home, and I do things like: listening to music (music is my dearest activity); searching and reading on internet, or in books, about topics like psychology, dating, health, IT/software; watching videos, or tv shows, about those same topics; on very rare occasions I exercise (strength training), home cook. However there are days when I don't do any of those, because I come home very late after work, or just because I can't make myself do anything useful (because i feel very depressed).
Outside home I don't go out very often, about the only kind of things I do occasionally are music concerts, lately some theatre shows, various cultural events, stuff like that. It's very difficult (or actually, impossible at present) for me to enter new situations, even more so if that situation or context requires me to actively engage into (e.g. speak, or perform, with other people around).
About 2 years ago I had build the courage (or actually, my feelings of despair and loneliness were so high that I had to..) to go to a therapist; long story short, I did it for quite a long period, but I'm not sure if it changed me for the better i.e. I don't feel much improved. At least I had someone to talk to, and learned to [try to] open up about the feelings that are hurting me inside (i.e. the loneliness and all I've described in my first post). Until that point, I never really talked with anyone about it.
Going back to social activities, I did contemplate in the past to have a go at some activities (if there's an opportunity in my city, that is) like tai chi, qi gong, archery. Actually I did once in the past a beginner's course in tai chi (I had free access to it, so that also helped me motivate doing it).
But it happens to me, quite often, to abandon an idea (something I think I'd like to do), before I even start and do actually anything. Because I'm reminding myself about things like my social awkward-ness, my feelings of inadequacy; in summary, many of the traits of the Emotional deprivation [https://www.baarsinstitute.com,emotional-deprivation-disorder,] that I feel inside. Deep inside, most likely, I feel that none of those attempts at socialising will lead me to the outcome I long for (making myself a girlfriend); yeah I know (rationally) it's a wrong thinking pattern, and that I shall try harder to 'break' it.
🙏 Alex
It does sound like the therapy helped. It doesn't make you better permanently, but it does aide you in processing stuff. I can see your growth. If you get a chance to try it again at some point, it might be worth it.
What is great about life is that anything you have "failed" at in the past, you can always try again tomorrow. Patterns can be broken.
You are getting outside for concerts and theatre. That matters. Praise yourself every time you get outside because it is a victory. Even if you don't talk to anyone, you are engaging with the world and when you recognize it as such then you can realize you are growing better every day.
Tai chi does sound pretty awesome if you want to attempt that again. Or perhaps you want to try something else like learning to play an instrument if you like music. Or maybe try some archery.
There are lots of different options. We can come up with one together and come up with a plan for you to attempt it. You can do this. I believe in you. @Al3xand3r
@bestVase7265
You seem to have quite a lot of experience in helping people in need. Could you please let me know, did you come across other people like me? I’m referring to the fact that I feel unable to “connect“ to people, and I’m referring to human interaction & socializing in day-to-day life, especially with new people; so not just in some specific situation like a dating/romantic context (which indeed feels like an unreachable ‘task’ for me).
I quote below a few key traits that I feel I have, I hope this helps to better understand what I mean:
- Incapable of establishing normal, mature interaction with others
- Feels lonely and uncomfortable in social settings
- Capable of a willed rapport but not an emotional connection in relationships
- Childhood level of emotional development
- Feels like a child or infant and expects others to focus their attention on them just as an adult would focus on a young child
I’m just hoping to hear that indeed there are, somewhere out there, other people like myself, and that will maybe make me feel less alone in this kind of struggle 🥺
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support you showed for me!
I am afraid that I don't know any support groups directly. I just try to support people where they are at based upon where I was at and where I am now. I have all the traits that you describe on some days. I think most of us do.
What I noticed in your comment is that you are putting lots of labels on yourself that are weighing you down and keeping you from moving.
If you can figure out a way to focus on day to day mini successes rather than on the labels of being "unable" to do certain things, you can probably get somewhere.
Nothing is unattainable, but it is just going to take you longer to get there. We are all on our own journeys. You start from what is comfortable and normal and then you take lots of little steps towards the uncomfortable and hard. As you take those little steps, you can begin to see that little bit of hope that moves you forward.
But it all starts with little changes to your daily routine. Does that make sense? @Al3xand3r
How have things been going for you?@Al3xand3r
@bestVase7265
Sorry for not replying to your other message, sometimes I'm in a low mood and avoid, or later forget, to reply. 😓 I understand what you meant there.
I'm very grateful for every single person who replies here, it made me feel a bit less alone. So, to you I'm even more so grateful, since you messaged me so many times.
Things are pretty much same as before for me. Online dating apps are still the only place where I try my luck every now and then. I started reading what looks like a very insightful self-help book about dating from a psychology perspective. Hopefully I will finish it sometime this year (I'm very slow with everything I do, especially at reading and learning new things).
The single -somewhat- meaningful thing I did, was that I went to a small venue where they do theater performances; the place is frequent mostly by young (and very young) people.
The thing is, being a (literally) small place, I got to sit and wait in the lobby before the show starts. It felt good simply being between those young people, even if they are were all strangers for me. It might sound stupid, but I was grateful if/when someone - willingly or not - glanced at, or noticed, me (especially girls), even though I dislike the way I look. Also I fear that everyone -instinctively- feels that I'm awkward and socially anxious.
But yeah, I've mentioned this story just to show how much I crave the sense of belonging to a group, to have friends (especially if they would be girls, not gonna lie), be physically close to them. Because I crave things like hugs, and just being around people in general. Cause I feel that way maybe it will become "natural" for me to hang out with people, learn to socialize etc. Scariest thing is, supposing that a girl would want to hug me, frankly I don't know how I would react; Because I don't remember the last time I had a hug, so it would be like a new thing (experience) for me. And new things for me can be very challenging. I understand how weird that may sound (for me at least, it is; weird, that is). At least, I don't have to worry that may happen any time soon.
There is no need to apologize for anything. Ever. You reply when you feel able to.
Reading slowly and reacting slowly are all fine. They don't make you less of a person or less likely to find something.
I like how you described your lobby experience. You enjoyed just watching other people. The more that you can do that in controlled settings the better.
The answers to your other questions will become more apparent the more that you can get comfortable with the little things like you are trying now.
It can really help to focus on the present rather than the future. You are already headed in a better direction. @Al3xand3r
How have things been going for you?@Al3xand3r
@Al3xand3r
hii, it may not be any helpful but i felt what you said in your post.
I'm much younger than you, I'll be 18 next year, but i always feel like you described. I'm so shy when it comes to people and I've never dated anyone. i know you may say I'm young but i really am afraid to date, to show my personality, to have a long bond with someone. i feel like this is happening to me because i developed a social anxiety (still not diagnosed), i can't talk properly in public without stuttering, sweating and feeling like my mind is void of words and running away or wanting the earth to swallow me is the only thought that remains in my head. this happened because of bullying and the general hate that people has always shown towards me. i also had some terrible friendships experience that made me hate and fear people. i feel like i can't relax with anyone, I'm always tensed and i don't trust anyone. this doesn't mean that i haven't dreamed of being loved by someone, but I'm paralyzed. from your words you seem a very nice person and I'm sure you'll find a person who'll love you like you deserve to be loved. i know it's really hard, plus I'm facing emotional issues too. give it a try though! i know you can do this and that we can fight what's stopping us. even if it takes time, you'll find your one.
and i wish you the best one!
stay strong ma friend (:
@justju7
Hey, thanks for sharing your story with me and for your support!! It really means a lot to me, to hear from anyone who's gone through similar experiences, regardless of age (as I also mentioned in my first post).
I feel exactly the same when I'm required to talk in public, which is why I still avoid pretty much all these situations. If it's about a more informal, or casual, context and not many people around, then I'm usually much better with regard to my stutter (I'm more relaxed, so that helps a lot indeed). I'm sorry to hear you've been bullied! I've been fortunate to only have little bullying. But even so, the pain that my stutter caused myself in some moments made me wish I wouldn't exist anymore.
I wish I was more knowledgeable in the past and seek help from a professional in psychotherapy. I did this much later in life, and although it didn't 'cure' my stutter, at least I've learned to open up a bit about my feelings and emotions, which is something I still need to put more effort into.
somehow I also don't feel 'safe' when it comes to trusting people, especially when it comes to people that I don't know for too long.
If you can afford, I would say it's worth trying to seek support from a professional. there are many approaches to therapy; also it's important finding a therapist that you feel you can 'connect' to. And of course, try to find and make trustworthy friends (I wish I did try this when I was younger).
Wishing you the best,
Alex
@Al3xand3r
Yeah, I'm in a similar situation 😅
I'm on the younger side but rn I have struggles with romantic relationships too. 😬 I've never been in a serious relationship because my parents don't allow me to, but I've met someone and they are the sweetest person ever! I wish I could date them but because I have a good relationship with my parents who trust me I don't want to betray that trust by breaking their rules.
It's still weird though because I'm not too irked as it's just puppy love and nothing will happen. 🤷♀️ But it's hard because I really like them but I know I will never be with them.
I think that you don't need to worry about it. If you meet the right person, you meet the right person, but no amount of pretending or rushing things will be able to change that. Focus on your life right now as it is, focus on friends, hobbies, family, and make the most out of it. Once you fall in love a lot of those things will not be the same.
Make yourself happy, with or without a partner and remember that you don't need to be in a romantic relationship to enjoy life. :)
@summerfleur
Hi there!
Thanks for sharing your story with me! 🫶
I hope for the future that will make it such that you will be together with the one you love! 🙏
What I'm really worried, actually scared to death about(!), is not the fact that I haven't met the right person yet, but the fact that I'm not able to go out in the world and socialize like a normal person can (e.g. I haven't had one single date so far), and also the fact that I feel so emotionally immature (especially for my age). My only attempts so far with regard to meeting someone were through online dating apps, because it's about the only place where I feel somewhat comfortable (e.g. I can text messages instead of talking).
I feel that I won't be able to cope with life if I remain forever alone (literally). I can't fathom such future for myself i.e. one where I won't have any family whatsoever, anyone by my side. 😢 At present I live alone; my family (what's left of it) lives another place.
This situation (my loneliness) already has a negative impact on my daily life, I mean it keeps me from fully focusing in basically all aspects of life.
I don't have many friends (or for that matter people that I hope I can consider friends). I meet with them very rarely, most of the time we just text each other from time to time.
And there's a few that I can't actually meet in person because we've only met (chat) online and they're very far from me.
You are right indeed when saying I should learn to be content and happy on my own, but this is very hard for me to put into practice.
@Al3xand3r
> Emotional deprivation disorder'/ 'Childhood emotional neglect
i read and it's very closely to disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style. I have it, besides that, I got severe depression (undiagnosed because i fear the stigma in my country).
> Also it's difficult for me to identify and express my emotions.
it's called alexithymia
> I would like to know if there is anyone else who never had any romantic relationship. And I literally mean never ever, i.e. including the adolescence/ teenage years (i.e. never had a girlfriend/ boyfriend). And I'm referring to the situation where you want to have a relationship, but you had no success so far. I hope this makes sense.
admittedly I am younger than you (24) but i'm in almost identical situation, literally had only two situations in my life however related to it - a confession of love that was mocked and when another girl tricked me, maybe for fun (I described it more in my own thread) I have never tried to do anything in this direction, I have actively avoided it, because fear is stronger than the need for closeness. After this second event, I have the impression that it is even bigger, I am afraid that the whole cycle will repeat itself and lead to suicidal thoughts again, despite conducting independent psychotherapy.
@straightforwardLychee3280
I'm sorry for the late reply!
I hope this message finds you well.
With regard to the attachment theory (pioneered by John Bowlby, AFAIK), I've been wanting to read more about it for a while back. Just to give an example, there's a highly praised book called "Attached" by Amir Levine which I've been meaning to read but so far haven't got into it. Indeed I keep hearing about this theory, through various means, and I find it entirely plausible and valid.
With regard to the condition called alexithymia, I heard about it before. To be honest, while I'm not totally ruling that out, I feel that in my case, it's probably about something else.
On one hand, I didn't learn at the proper time, meaning in childhood, to identify, recognize, and express my emotions and feelings. I mean that people close to me (e.g. family) didn't show me how, or encourage me, to do it. So instead I, most likely, learned that all emotions and feelings are "bad" and must be hidden deep inside. That could be a reason why I'm reluctant, and in a way, ashamed to express my emotions.
On the other hand, there might be yet another reason why I'm not fully aware of my emotions. When one goes through - what it perceives as - negative experiences, a psychological defense mechanism forms (like bricks, or hard layers, to give an analogy). The mind does this to protect us from possible similar future bad experiences, but as a consequence this also stopps us from feeling or hearing our 'inner voice'. It disconnects us from our own feelings, until we gradually lose touch with ourselves, and afterwards with all other people.
Can you point me (e.g. give the link) to your thread? I tried to search for it but didn't find it.
When you said that "fear is stronger than the need for closeness", that resonates with me so deeply indeed!! Basically, I feel that fear, and of course a dozen more negative similar feelings (e.g. shame, anxiety, despair and so on), controls me and thus my life, and I cannot escape it. It's like, all I can do is just passively wait (i.e. mostly do nothing meaningful or concrete), expecting something, or someone, (basically, a miracle) to bring me out of the "darkness" and the loneliness. 😔
I hope that therapy will bring meaningful results in your life. Hope to hear back from you.
@Al3xand3r
sure
https://www.7cups.com/forum/RelationshipFriendshipSupport_66/ShareYourStory_1034/Livingwithfearfulavoidantdisorganisedattachmentstyle_281826/
I thought it was just me in the whole world and history.
@root113
Hey, if you wanna share a bit more about yourself, would love to hear more. Like, did you have any attempt so far at dating someone?
In my case, I'm very shy and I'm not comfortable meeting new people, let alone dating someone. In short, I never had a real date so far (just online conversations).
And obviously, I apologize for my late reply.
@Al3xand3r me too. 23 here. we are not alone.
@bluetears23
Hi there! 👋 Did you have any kind of success so far, or at least attempt, at dating whatsoever? Did you too never have a girlfriend?
@Al3xand3r What is "romantic"? Hearts and flowers and perfect manners from some Victorian novel or one from the Roman Empire?
With language like that no wonder no one gets any LOVE
I met a boy in the college registration line and fell in love with his looks. After that throughout my whole life I tried to psych myself that I "loved" this one or that but it was never real. My feelings for that good looker were real. Go figger. He didn't want me of course.
Probably a majority of people here will say that some romance would cure them. LOL
@Screenname333
What is "romantic"? Hearts and flowers and perfect manners from some Victorian novel or one from the Roman Empire?
In case it's not obvious what I mean when I say "romantic relationship", it's about a close relationship to another person that involves deep friendship, affection and intimacy (as opposed to just a friendship). Or indeed, I believe I could've just said "love" instead.
Probably a majority of people here will say that some romance would cure them. LOL
Yeah, loneliness (in all its forms) can be extremely hard to cope with, especially if you've already been afflicted with depression.
Are you lonely at present? And if so, how are you coping, do you struggle with it?
@Al3xand3r I am sorry that your struggling I guess you either find someone or you never do it's challenging dating apps make it more difficult at times to find someone that's even close to being compatible all you can really do is keep trying my friend met her bf on an app and she seems happy with him good luck I don't have any suggestions.
@Al3xand3r
First of all, your English is great, nothing to worry about here.
Now to the point - I’ve never been in a romantic relationship and no one was ever interested in me romantically. I have never held hands, never went out on a date, texted, flirted, not even talking about kissing or more sexual stuff. When I tell people about this they are usually shocked.
I think their shock made me so self-conscious about this. I’have just entered my last year of being a teen and there has always been this social pressure around me that said “teenage years are for trying”. And since I didn’t try anything that involved human connection, it made me feel really bad about myself.
Much like you, I’ve dealt with low self esteem due to many difficulties factors. It’s awful and I’m really sorry you had to go through this.
Honestly, this can feel pretty overwhelming and often really lonely as, like you, I don’t know anyone with the same issue.
I’m a listener and if you’d ever like to talk about this with someone who has direct experience - I’m here. I hope your day is good. Take care
I've never been in a romantic relationship. I've never been on a date. I don't know how to kiss, etc.
I've mentioned this before, but I've only been capable of loving a woman from afar. I don't mean geographically afar, necessarily, just loving someone but never able to have anything to do with them.