Loneliness - How do I deal with it?
Hi. I'm riri. A shy awkward and not so social 28 years old girl. Ever since I was young, I always felt so alone. I didn't have much friends at school. Other kids at school always made fun of me. I wasn't very loved and didn't blend in well with them. Back then, not so many people liked to sit with me during breaks and so. I kind of became used to feeling lonely. Maybe this is why I've become to be not very social? I don't know to initiate a conversation or keep one even. I need time to get comfortable with people and start talking. But people are not always so patient with you and they lose interest so fast. I always feel so unloved and neglected and that I don't belong here.. and it just sucks to feel like this. Really.. The only people who care about me are my parents, That's it. This lead me to having almost zero self-confidence. I'm just not interesting enough for most people to befriend me or get close to me and try to know me better. I'm also chubby and needs to lose some good weight.. I sometimes feel so ugly that I avoid looking in any mirror. Who would be interested in a shy chubby girl who can't hold a conversation and needs so much time to open up to anyone? I'm just wondering if there's an end to this. I'm worried because more negative feelings are coming up because of this. Recently, I always feel sad and grumpy and angry (don't know at whom) for always feeling lonely. What do I do? How can I stop this? Can you change who you are? How?
I was the chubby girl in middle/high school and had to be the comedic/loud one to make friends. I was smart, but more worried about friends. My senior year, I started losing weight and started screwing up school even more to party w/my friends. I ended up going to a tech college for pharmacy tech. I lost a lot of weight - from a size 18 to a size 10. I got a lot more attention from men and stopped paying attention to school. I dropped out eventually and went from job to job and guy from guy. My "friends" left after awhile b/c I finally moved out from home and the area I moved to wasn't "high class" enough for those stuck up broads so .. they just used me anyway as someone to party/get drunk/act stupid with. Eventually I got into a really crappy situation, but I was so flattered by all the attention from men b/c I used to be fat .. I lived w/a pimp and was a prostitute for a few years. Now, my point to you is this, it doesn't matter what you look like, what your BMI is, what clothes you wear .. none of that crap. It's who you are as a person. Looks fade as we age.
It's not a matter of you not being interesting. It really comes down to what you do for yourself.. Stop dwelling on what others think of you and start asking yourself what you want to do or what you want to be good at. I struggled with this and to be honest I still do struggle with this because it's easy to lose focus on myself. I find that if the effort I put into my own self worth is not equal or greater to the effort I put into pleasing others, I get depressed. It's weird how it works because I have been told numerous times that I'm boring or not fun... And usually when I'm told that it is when I stopped focusing on myself and when I was trying to hard to impress others. The times I have been told I'm cool or interesting is when I am not trying so hard to please people...and that's when I'm also the happiest!
Focus on you. You have the potential to be everything you want to be, but it doesn't happen unless you try for it.