Loneliness is suffocating
Hi I’m new here. I was looking in to going back to therapy but its not an option for me financially so I thought i could give this a try. I have two kids and a husband but every day i feel this weight if loneliness. My kids love me out of nee/obligation and my husband loves me because of what i do for him as do my friends and family. Ive never felt genuine love from anyone ever in my life. I really believe that I am one of those people who is meant to be alone. I have dreams of just leaving one day and never telling anyone where i am and never contacting anyone again. Just work and go home. My love for my kids stops me from doing that. I could never leave them. But as they get older their need for me lessens as does their obligatory love. Once they are older and realize their lives are better without me i will probably move away where noone can find me.
Their life will not be better without you. What I have been working on is prioritizing what I like, what fills my cup, what brings personal joy. These ppl you’re surrounded by - are not entitled to share personal joy. Especially if they are not sharing authentic joy themselves. We are never truly alone as it’s taken thousands of relations for you to be in the skin you’re in right now. Even as the kids expand and become more their own - this doesn’t mean they are any less yours... ownership and belonging - funny things to think about ... I am sad, my depression, my kids - my partner - these phrases lead to this practice of ownership. We do it even own this flesh as it will go back to the earth when we pass - trust in purpose. You get to define what that looks like - and how I’ve come to find it is by what brings personal joy. You’re not a slave - you’ve cut the best pieces of your flesh to walk and talk and become their own - now you have to redesign what’s needed to be. I believe in you - that divine flesh knew how to grow and create life. It knows a lot more.
You just need someone to talk to. Just need to vent. Once the negative energy comes out and the feeling of support kicks in, you will feel much better. I know how you feel and I'm going through similar situation. But just browsing this forum makes me feel like I'm not alone and make me feel 80% better. Hope you feel the same too.
