Maybe i’m just being dramatic ?

I don’t know exactly what I need help with but I know there isn’t something right with how I think. I’ve always found it hard to feel genuinely happy, of course there are those good moments that I look back on. I used to be able to show my affection and love much easier back then. I feel like as the years passed i’ve grown to be more and more cold. It’s hard to show love in relationships, I distance myself from my family, ghost my friends for weeks and come back like nothing happened.

As a kid, I feel like it was easier to love and be happy because I didn’t realize the evil and pain around me. Now that’s im a little older (18) it’s all just falling on top of me and I hate how ugly everything is. I just wish there was more to everything, I want to do something that matters. I want something to feel like it matters. I’m currently in a relationship and I can see how it even affects him when im not able to give him the love and appreciation he deserves. I hate living like this.

I’d rather not live at all then have to go through so many more years of my myself. My family and I now aren’t too close but I feel like we have mutual understandings. I love with my mom, my little sister, my brother and his son. Everyone’s working or gone. I put my sister on the bus in the morning and that’s about the only time I ever see any of them. It’s not their fault i’m definitely not saying that. It’s mine, I never leave my room. Even though we’re not as close as most families should be, my family keeps me going. I love them. I wouldn’t want to bring anymore pain onto my ma.

i don’t know how much im supposed to write on here but whatever feedback helps. i’d really appreciate it if anyone is feeling the same to reach out, or if you’re just willing to help me. I don’t have any money, I can’t really afford official therapy. I just think I need someone to talk to.